March 2023: Keep it Simple. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

A Matter of Time

It h o u g h t I ju s t h a d a p ro b l e m w i t h suga r. I weig hed 126 p ound s a nd w a s 5-feet, 4-inches ta l l , but I kne w if I d id n o t f i n d a w a y to c o n t ro l my e a t i n g , I would be wel l over 200 pound s. It w a s just a matter of time

I a m t h e y o u n g e s t o f f i v e c h i l d re n a n d g re w u p i n t h e s u b u r b s i n a m i d d l e- c l a s s f a mi l y. My mother got ma rr i ed l ate in l i fe and started hav ing children at 32 years old. In the 1960s, that w a s considered l ate. She had f i ve chi ld ren in f i ve ye a rs.

I w a s t h e b a b y o f t h e f a m i l y. My o l d e s t s i s te r to o k c a re o f my e m o t i o n a l n e e d s a n d my s e co n d o l d e s t s i s ter to o k c a re o f my p hy s i c a l n e e d s . My s i s ter co o k e d f o r me a nd I would e at it a l l. L ater, w hen she sta r ted to wor k, she gave me mone y a nd I sp e n t i t o n s u g a r. W h e n I w a s a c h i l d , I co u l d e at a ny t h i n g I w a n te d , w h en e v er I wanted, and not gain weight. I was a hyperacti ve, shy, athleti c, phi losophi c a l ki d. I a lw ays fel t that something w a s w rong w ith me and I d id a lot of searching. Before FA, I c a n t r ul y s ay a l l my decisi ons were ba sed on fe a r, w ho I hung out w ith, w hat scho ol I went to, a nd w hat job I had.

I sta r ted to ga in weig ht a nd bec a me ob-

sessed w ith my bod y wa s w hen I wa s in my l a st year of col lege. I commuted to school unti l my f ather sold the house. I had one m o re y e a r o f s c h o o l a n d h a d to f i n d a pl ace to l i ve. I w a s to o sc a red to l i ve in the dorms, so I l i ved w ith my sister. I rememb er le av ing her house at mi d ni g ht, going to a f a st-fo o d restaura nt, being physi c a l l y f i l led up but sti l l feel ing empt y insi de.

Th a t s u m m e r I b e c a m e o b s e s s e d w i t h my weig ht. I fel t f at i f I weig hed a ny thing over 115 pound s. I worked at a restaurant. W h e n I m a d e m i s t a k e s w i t h t h e o rd e r s a nd prep a rati ons, I wolfed dow n the mist a k e s i n s e c o n d s . Af te r w a rd s , I w o u l d w e i g h my s e l f, g o r u n n i n g , a n d t h e n reweig h myself.

If y o u to l d m e I w a s a f o o d a d d i c t i n those d ays, I would have denied it and sa id t h a t I c o u l d c o n t ro l my e a t i n g . In my t w en t i e s , I f o u n d my s e l f e a t i n g a l m o s t a w hole ba g of a suga r pro d uct. When I rea l ized it, I w a s able to put it dow n. S e vera l years later, I thoug ht, I can put it down, I just don't want to But by my thirties, I could not put it dow n. I had lost cont rol.

Dur ing these ye a rs, I t r i ed cog niti ve beh av i o r a l t h e r a p y, a v a r i e t y o f s u p p o r t

g ro u p s , a m e d i c i n e w o m a n (s p i r i t u a l healer), and a homeopath. I d id inner child work, trauma therapy, and reg ular therapy.

I t r i ed R ei ki, Ta i Chi, a nd f ina l l y s aw a nut r i t i o n i s t . Af ter t r y i n g t h e s u g g e s te d n ut r i t i o n a l p l a n f o r o n e w e e k , I g o t to my go a l wei g ht of 115 p ound s, but I w a s sti l l m i s e r a b l e . I ju s t e n d e d u p e a t i n g ju n k food. I w a s f ul l of regret and remorse. I dec i d e d to g o to a n o t h er Twe l v e-Ste p p rog ra m for fo o d issues, but I kne w that w a s not my a ns wer.

I thank God and the person who submitted informati on ab out FA to my ne wsp ap er. I kne w that w a s it, I a m a fo o d add i ct. I h a d n o i d e a w h a t t h a t m e a n t , b u t i n t ui t i v e l y k n e w t h i s w a s t h e a n s w e r I w a s lo oking for a l l my l i fe.

At a ge 36, I went to my f irst meeting b ecause I couldn’t stop eating. I sat there feeling restless, irr itable, a nd d iscontent, but I s aw h o p e . Pe o p l e w e re t h i n , h a p p y, a n d t a l k i n g a b o u t h o w t h e y w e re n o t e a t i n g f l o u r a n d s u g a r. I d i d n ’ t k n o w a b o u t t h e flour but I kne w about the sugar. I thought I could do FA on my ow n. I d i d n ’ t e at add i cti vel y for one week, but the next Saturd ay w hi le I w a s b abysitting my ni ece a nd nephe w, I took one bite of a flour product. I w a s b a c k i n t h e c u pb o a rd s , e at i n g n o nstop. My nephe w a sked me, “Aunti e, w hy a re y o u e a t i n g t h a t s t u f f, I t h o u g h t y o u were a l l er g i c to i t ? ” I d i d n o t h av e a n a n -

swer. Today, I know it’s because I am a food add i ct a nd , at the time, I d i d not have a recover y pl a n.

Th e n e x t d a y I w e n t to a n FA m e e t i n g that w a s 90 minutes aw ay. I had to stop at three d ifferent fa st-food restaurant s a long the w ay. The sp e a ker of the meeting w a s s o m e w h a t t h i n , a b o u t my h e i g h t , a n d we i g h e d 1 2 3 p o u n d s. Th o u g h I t h o u g h t s h e w a s h e av y, I l i k e d w h a t s h e h a d . S h e h a d a b o y f r i e n d , a c a r, a n d a j o b a n d s h e d i d n ’ t have a ny fe a r that these things were g o i n g to b e t a k e n aw a y f ro m h e r. S h e a s k e d Go d f o r h e l p. S h e h a d co n f i d en ce in herself b ec ause of her rel ati onshi p w ith her Hi g her Power.

I wen t u p to h er at t h e b re a k , b u t I w a s to o s c a re d to a s k f o r h e l p. I w a s g r a te f u l b ec ause she a sked me i f I thoug ht I w a s a f o o d a d d i c t a n d i f I w a n te d s o m e h e l p. I s a i d yes to b oth questi ons.

When she w rote dow n the food pl an, a l l I c o u l d s a y w a s , “ W h a t i f i t d o e s n o t w o r k ? ” I c r i e d . S h e s a i d to t r y i t f o r o n e d ay. I g o t w h at I n e e d e d at t h e s to re a n d t r i ed it for one d ay. I fel t f at. She gave me the ma intena nce fo o d pl a n b ec ause, techn i c a l l y, I d i d n ’ t h av e w e i g h t to l o s e . It seemed l i ke a lot of fo o d. A ga in, she s a i d to t r y i t f o r a n o t h e r d a y. I w e i g h e d a n d me a sured a nd ate w hat I committed e ven thoug h I d i d not w a nt to.

I real ized af ter ward that was my first spir-

itua l exp er i ence in FA . I d i d something I d i d n ’ t w ant to do. I weig hed myself w ithin a w e e k a n d I l o s t n i n e p o u n d s Th e n I kne w that my mind and bod y were d isconnected, so I decided to fol low my sponsor ' s sug gesti ons, do e ver y to ol e ver y d ay, a nd re ad the AA Bi g B o ok.

In t h e b e g i n n i n g , I t h o u g h t I c o u l d n ' t k e e p d o i n g t h i s p ro g r a m Th e n my n e x t t h o u g h t w a s , Ho w ca n I n o t ? I d e c i d e d to e v a l u a te w h e t h e r to s t a y a f te r 9 0 d a y s . Th a n k y o u Go d , I g o t b e t te r m e n t a l l y, physi c a l l y, a nd spir itua l l y. By the time 90 d a y s c a m e , I b e g a n to l o v e t h e p ro g r a m a nd this wonder f ul w ay of l i fe I loved the f e l l o w s h i p. I d i d n o t k n o w h o w l o n e l y I had b een.

Throug h gratitude, abstinence, and ser vi ce I n o w l i v e a wo n d er f u l l i f e a n d a m s o g r a te f u l . I g re w c l o s e r to a l l my f a m i l y memb ers I got to re a l l y know my p a rent s a nd love them.

My f e l l o w s h i p h a s s h o w n u p f o r m e m o re t h a n ju s t b y s u p p o r t i n g m e to n o t e at add i cti vel y. I w a s able to rel y on them when my parents got sick and pa ssed away.

I h a d t h e i r s u p p o r t w h i l e d at i n g , g et t i n g m a r r i e d , b e i n g i n a h a p p y m a r r i a g e , a n d getting a job that I love.

Who would have thoug ht I would b e in FA f o r 2 1 y e a r s ? Th e m i r a c l e s k e e p o n coming .

Tr icia H , Mass achu sett s, US

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

12.

Li feb oat of R ecover y

Iw a s d ro w n i n g i n my e m o t i o n s a n d fel t p ossessed w hen it c a me to fo o d.

My mother had just d i ed a nd p a r t of me w a nted to go w ith her. I could n ’ t stop e at i n g e v en t h o u g h I w a s m a k i n g my s e l f s i c k . I w a s h av i n g i n s a t i a b l e c r av i n g s f o r f o o d a n d e a t i n g m u c h m o re t h a n I i ntended. When I sta r ted FA 15 ye a rs a go, my wei g ht w a s 175 p ound s. I’m a fo o d add i ct w ho uses fo o d to numb myself.

I u s e d f o o d to t a k e t h e e d g e o f f my m o o d s . W h e n I g o t o v e r w h e l m e d , I w a n te d to s t u f f my s e l f s o I co u l d e s c a p e a nd not feel. I come f rom a f a mi l y w here you d i d n ’ t feel or ta l k ab out feel ings; you got throug h it and moved on. Event s happ ened but there w a s ne ver ref lecti on, d isc u s s i o n , o r a c k n o w l e d g e m e n t t h a t something happ ened. I have b een esc aping for most of my l i fe. Fo o d w a s a comfor ting p a r t of that esc ap e.

I h av e a n a l l e r g y t h a t a f f e c t s my m i n d , b o d y, a nd spir it. The suga r hi jacks my s ystem, a f f e c t s my m o o d s , a n d t a k e s m e o n a n emoti ona l rol lerco a ster. When I sta r t e ating suga r a nd f lour I w a nt to e at more. I’m unstopp able.

The de ath of my mother t r i g gered feel-

ings of powerlessness and helplessness. Althoug h I had been in FA for 15 years, af ter my mother d i ed , I re a l ized that I had not b e e n a b s t i n e n t a n d n e e d e d to s t a r t o v e r w ith a d i fferent sp onsor. I went to a meeting , got the na me of a sp onsor, a nd c a l led h e r. S h e s a i d s h e w o u l d s p o n s o r m e i f I could a ns wer yes to t wo questi ons. First, w a s I w i l l ing to go to any leng th to stay abstinent? Second, w a s I w i l l ing to share this pro g ra m w ith other fel lows? I s a i d yes to b oth, a nd she told me to c a l l her at 6 a m. I w a s rel i e ved that she w a s w i l l ing to sp onsor me a nd that I could c a l l her e ver y d ay. She expl a ined how she d i d her pro g ra m, and I sat there l i ke a kindergar tener ta king i n a l l t h e i n f o r m a t i o n . I a p p re c i a te d t h e s t r u c t u re a n d ro a d m a p s h e g av e m e. My ne w sp onsor had sent me a l i feb o at.

A l thoug h I w a s detox ing a nd fel t tired , irritable, and mood y with others, I also felt peacef ul know ing I had the tool s I needed to stop misusing fo o d. Going fo o d shopping and preparing food wa s not normal l y a f un or happy exp er i ence, but I suddenl y found myself enjoy ing the prep a rati on of mea l s. My kitchen is now my s acred space to h e a l , w h e re I c a n a c c e s s my h i g h e r

p ower. I feel l i ke a ma g i ci a n w ith a ma g i c formul a .

Ho w e v e r, 3 0 d a y s i n to my a b s t i n e n c e , my s p o n s o r c o n -

f ronted me ab out

o n e o f my b e h avi o r s a n d I f o u n d

my inner teena ger rising up. I star ted to f e e l a r ro g a n t a b o u t n o t n e e d -

i n g t h e s t r u c t u re that she had put in p l a c e . Th e r u l e s

s t a r te d to re p resent cha ins rather

t h a n f re e d o m

f ro m my a d d i c -

t i o n . Bu t t h e n I

s t a r te d to s e e t h e

b e n e f i t s o f t h e

p ro g r a m . I re a l -

i ze d I h a d o n l y a

f e w o p t i o n s . I

c o u l d s t a r t o v e r

w i t h a n e w p ro -

g r a m , c o m e to

ter m s w i t h w h ere

I w a s i n t h i s p rog r a m , o r g i v e u p. I c o n c l u d e d t h a t t h e re were more b enef it s i f I just stuck w ith the pl a n. I w a nted the p e ace this sp onsor had

a ro u n d f o o d . I w a s t i re d o f b e i n g reb e l -

l i ous a nd w a nted to rega in the p e ace a nd stabi l it y I had in the f irst 30 d ays. O vera l l , I enjoyed the continuous wei g ht loss a nd

n o t b e i n g d r i v e n s o l e l y b y f o o db a sed desires.

I have now completed my 90 d ays

a nd I a m st ronger

a n d h e a l t h i e r f o r

i t ; I c u r re n t l y weigh 134 pounds

a n d my c h o l e s -

te ro l h a s g o n e d o w n , to o. I re-

c en t l y c o m p l e te d

a h a l f m a r a t h o n

a n d c a n e n j o y

p l a y i n g w i t h my

g r a n d k i d s w i t h -

o u t b e i n g t r i g-

g e re d b y t h e i r

f o o d . My i n n e r

l o v i n g p a re n t i s r unning the show, n o t my i n n e r te e n a g e r. I w e n t f ro m u s i n g f o o d

a s a d r u g to t re ating food a s a med icine. I can l isten and not b e defensi ve. To d ay, I c a n show emp athy to myself a nd others.

Tamar W., Califor nia, US

PETRA S , DEU

I went om using food as a drug to treating food as a medicine.

Go o d Enoug h

Iwas raised in a stable, loving home, and had an ea s y chi ld hood. I w a s competen t at sp o r t s a n d s c h o o l wo r k . I w a s l u c k y to h av e g o o d f r i en d s a l l t h ro u g h school and t wo older sisters who paved the w ay f o r m e i n l i f e. I n e v er h a d a we i g h t problem until col lege, but I d id notice that s weets were a lways much more interesting to me than other food.

I had a rather ske wed vision of myself and wen t o n my f i r s t d i et d u r i n g m i d d l e school , w hen I w a s about 5-feet, 7-inches t a l l a n d we i g h e d u n d er 1 2 0 p o u n d s. I d i d n ’ t think I w a s obese or e ven f at, but I just w a nted that tiny rol l on my stomach gone. Althoug h I thoug ht I looked good , I believed I did not look good enough. That i s t r u l y t h e c r u x o f my d i s e a s e n e v er enough. I cheated on that f irst d iet (and al l the others that were to come) by eating my favorite sugar products.

I went to col lege four hours from home a nd the feel ings of insecur it y g re w into a p a inf ul ache a s I t r i ed to ma ke a ne w l i fe for myself in an unf ami l iar, stressf ul env ironment. I didn’t think I was a horrible person. I just thoug ht I w a sn ’ t good enoug h. Making the dean’s l ist wasn ’ t good enough, I needed stra ig ht As. Dating a hand some, k i n d , f u n ny, sm a r t g uy w a sn ’ t g o o d

enoug h, he needed to be in a specif ic fraternit y.

W h en my ro o m m ate wen t t h ro u g h s o ro r i t y r us h a s a s o p h o m o re ( I h a d p l e d g e d a s o ro r i t y my f re s h m a n y e a r) , I d idn’t stand up for her to get her an inv itation to my sororit y. She was a great girl, but she was fat, and my self-esteem was too low to advoc ate for her. I felt l i ke I w a sn ’ t good enoug h to be in my sororit y, so how could

I e ver justif y tr y ing to get her in? I e ventua l l y d ro w n e d my s h a m e a n d rem o r s e i n food and alcohol. My roommate ended up p l e d g i n g a g o o d s o ro r i t y t h at v a l u e d h er for the wonder f ul person that she w a s.

I got inc re a sing l y si ck w ith fo o d add i ction. I remember traveling out of the count r y to Lo n d o n a n d e at i n g l u n c h i n t h e Hard R ock Café w ith some of my friend s from the US. My lunch consisted of huge p or ti ons of protein, f lour, c a rb ohyd rates, a n d o i l . I co ns u m e d s e v er a l l a r g e s u g a ra n d a l co h o l - l a ce d d r i n k s w i t h my l u n c h. By the end of the meal, I was overly f ull and more than a l ittle dr unk, so another dr ug seemed l i ke the per fect add ition to my experience. Althoug h not a smoker, I stumb l e d a c ro s s t h e s t re et to b uy a p a c k o f ci ga rettes. As I w a s w a iting to c ross b ack a c ro s s t h e s t re et a f ter g et t i n g my s t a s h, a

long , w hite l imousine pul led over in front of me. One w indow slow l y lowered , and a man offered me mone y to per form a spec i f i c s er v i ce f o r h i m. I re f us e d . Ev en thoug h I w a s d r unk, I kne w I d i d n ’ t w ant to en d u p f l o at i n g f a ce d o w n i n t h e Th a m e s. Bu t t h e h e a r t b re a k i n g p a r t w a s t h at I w a s f l at tere d . Ne v er m i n d t h at h e treated me like a prostitute. My self-esteem

w a s so rock bottom

l o w t h at a l l I re a l l y

c a re d a b o u t w a s t h at a m a n w a n te d me.

A n h o u r l ater, I

w a s s i t t i n g o n t h e d i r t y b at h ro o m

f l o o r o f t h e Ha rd

R o c k Ca f é , g r i p -

p i n g t h e to i l et a n d

t h ro w i n g u p t h e foul mi xture of to o much food, alcohol, a n d c i g a ret te s. I g a i n e d 2 5 p o u n d s during that six-week

London trip and most people would cons i d er t h at e x p er i en ce a s h i t t i n g b o t to m, but I d idn't seem to have a bottom.

I continued to tr y exercise regimes, d iets, a n d hy p n o s i s to co n t ro l my we i g h t , a n d en d e d u p we i g h i n g 1 7 2 p o u n d s. Fo r m e , h av i n g sp en t m o s t o f my l i f e i n a r i g h tsized bod y, I felt enormous. I w a sn ’ t inter-

ested in going out w ith friend s, d ating , or doing my job. At that point, I just w anted to w atch mov ies and eat.

I s t u m b l e d a c ro s s a n o t h er Twe l v e-Ste p p ro g r a m f o r f o o d , g o t a sp o ns o r, a n d b e g a n to g et s o m e w h at b et ter, b u t I w a s sti l l eating add icti vel y. I worked the steps, lost weig ht, and d id ser v ice. I bec ame wel l en o u g h to m e et my wo n d er f u l h us b a n d , w ho I am ver y gratef u l f o r to d ay. Probl ems s u r f a ce d w h en we g o t en g a g e d , h o we v er. Ma r r i a g e re q u i re d g i v e a n d ta ke, and emotiona l m at u r i t y I d i d n o t p o s s e s s. I h a d p u rp o s e l y c h o s en a sp o ns o r w h o d i d n ’ t re q u i re m e to s t i c k to a food pl an or c a l l her reg ularl y. I was at g o a l we i g h t , b u t I w a s sti l l eating f lour and sugar, not doing quiet time, and not ma king phone c a l l s or read ing l iterature. I went to meetings, d id ser v ice, and that w a s about it. I d id have a fe w sponsees but would get irritated w hen t h e y c a l l e d a n d w a n te d my h e l p. Af ter being married for less than a year, I ended up d rinking a lone in a bar at my brotheri n - l aw ’ s we d d i n g a n d to p p e d t h at o f f b y

XANDRA G , CA

eating out of the trash can. I nally decided to join FA .

FA sponsors taug ht me to ma ke a commit ment to my recover y a nd to myself. I made the decisi on to do a l l the FA tool s: quiet time, read ing , weighing and measuring my food, attend ing the same three FA meetings each week, working the Twel ve Steps, c a l l ing my sp onsor reg ul a r l y, a nd ma king FA phone c a l l s. ese were d icult lessons for me learning to bring d isci pl ine to my program and life, but these simple d iscipl ines, sp onsorshi p, a nd ser v i ce combined to cha nge my l i fe imme a surabl y over the last 15 years. My husb a nd a nd I don’t have a p er fect ma rr i a ge, but we do have a good partnership based on love and resp ect. My t wo chi ld ren were b orn to a mother in recover y, and I’ve learned how to be a good parent.

e feel ings of “I’m never good enough” sti l l pl a g ue me sometimes. A t r ue g i of the program is that I am letting go of some of that thinking. When I catch myself feeling that I am not good enough in some way, I a rm to myself that I am doing the best I can. When I say that to myself, I feel a real p e ace a nd content ment that is go o d enough.

I just got b ack f rom a nother t r i p out of the countr y, onl y this time I d id it in recover y. My husb a nd , t wo sons, a nd I vac ationed in a beautif ul resort on the coast of Mexico. ere were our and sugar snacks and alcohol ic bevera ges in the room at al l times, and room ser vice was available 24/7.

e pool had a swim-up bar, and there was a bu et three times a day. It was all free, and, accord ing to my f a mi l y, a l l re a l l y go o d. ( ank you God , I don’t know from persona l exp er i ence.) I had to wor k ha rd to get w hat I needed at me a l s. I don’t sp e a k the nati ve l a ng ua ge, and there was ver y little fo o d o ered that was plain. ere were times I had to let go of some food items I would normall y eat at a meal.

e resul t of putting my fo o d rst w a s tremendous. I got to truly enjoy the beaut y and comfort of a ve-star resort. I went to a sa l sa cl a ss, pl ayed w ater polo, and s w am w ith dol phins. I d i d n ’ t worr y once ab out the size of my backside or cringe when I saw my re ection in the shiny metal of the elevator. I was available for my famil y on this trip, not hid ing in my room gorging. I got to l aug h w ith my sons. And on this trip, I lost a pound instead of gaining 25.

Holli N., North Carolina, US

W hen I catch myself feeling that I am not good enough in some way, I a rm to myself that I am doing the best I can.

R ol ler Coa ster of Emoti on

When I was rst diagnosed with breast cancer, I was horri ed and fearf ul. I turned to God yet felt powerless. I prayed, and my Higher Power put my sponsor on my heart, so I called her. She gave me the phone number of a fellow member of FA who was abstinent and also had cancer.

A er surger y, the pain was intense. Fortunately, qualit y quiet time and using the tool of w riting relieved a lot of anxiet y. On the other hand, I was afraid to use the telephone to share my feelings with my fellow food addicts. But I did it any way and it brought healing. e chatter and clatter in my head diminished and eventuall y disappeared. Stil l, hav ing lost a breast, my selfima ge was shattered, and I felt ashamed. I turned to God again. True to form, the message I received was perfect love regardless of how I felt or thought I looked.

In FA, I learned the slogan, “One day at a time.” But now, for me, it was one hour at a time. I was so tempted to quit the program. My sponsor and the other FA member who also had cancer both asked me the same

question, “Do you want to go through treatment alone or with your FA fel lows?” anks to their encouragement, I chose FA. Meanwhile, the cancer medication caused me to gain weight. Pride reared its ugly head. Prior to cancer, I had lost 30 pounds in FA and now my weight was climbing up again. I wound up regaining the 30 pounds and, at rst, could not get it o . But slowl y, one day at a time, by following the food plan my sponsor gave me, the weight started coming o .

In the following decade, life continued to present more health challenges: a new lesion on my intact breast, ve more years of medication and its u-l ike symptoms, and the death of my oncologist. My primar y doctor was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was on a roller coaster of emotion.

But thanks to my commitment to an AWOL and my sponsor ’ s support, I’ve stayed abstinent and in FA. I give thanks to FA and the God of my understanding. My fear has been assua ged and I continue to build faith.

Leah H , Washington, US

I was a aid to use the telephone to share my feelings with my fellow food addicts.

But I did it anyway.

Fac ing the Tr uth

For ma ny ye a rs, I b el i e ved the l i es I told myself ab out my wei g ht. I thought, It’s my fate. My mother and g randmot he r we re ove rwe ig ht. Or, Si nce my husband met me when I was 100 pound s overweight and married me, my weight doesn’t matter.

No one criticized me openl y, at least not since junior high school, but deep inside, I a l w ays kne w that w hat I told myself were l i es. I w a s a sha med of my b o d y. Clothes shopping was a nightmare. I thought dressing room mirrors were unkind and photographs were a d istor tion of the rea l me. It wa sn ’ t the person I kne w I wa s inside. But dressing room mirrors are true re ections and photos cannot l ie.

Occasional l y, the shame drove me to attempt d iets. With some of these, I was able to lose a signi cant amount of weight 60 pound s w ith a vegetarian d iet, 60 pound s with a no-carb d iet, 40 pounds with a sensible “Christian-based” diet, and 50 pounds with a commercial d iet. Each time, unable to stay with it, I would gain the weight back and more.

In earl y 2018, a friend told me about FA . I watched the weight just melt o her. But when she told me that the program encoura ged going to three meetings a week a nd

c a l l ing a sp onsor a nd other fel lows e ver y day, I thought that was too much for me.

I was unwil l ing to even give it a tr y. A er a l l , there were sti l l other d i et s out there I hadn’t yet tried. In truth, I was looking for a n insta nt, e a s y x . I e ven consi dered bariatric surger y, but a s a nurse, I saw that many people ga ined the weig ht back. Although it does work for some people, I wasn ’ t wil l ing to risk it. e other d iets I tried worked for some people as well. I started to wonder w hat w a s w rong w ith me that I can ’ t sustain weight loss?

It wasn ’ t until a ge 65 that I identi ed my add iction to our and sugar. It may sound f unny, but I felt rel ief knowing that was my issue. Add iction is a d isea se. Disea ses c an be treated. Add iction, l i ke many d isea ses, c a n ’ t b e cured. But since I na l l y understood that my compul si ve eating and obsessi on w ith fo o d w a s a n add i cti on more powerf ul than I am, I wa s able to let go of that terrible g uilt and self-judgment.

In October 2019, I went w ith my friend to my rst FA meeting. I got a sponsor that ni g ht a nd sta r ted wor king the pro g ra m. Even then I w a sn ’ t f ul l y committed. My plan was to just tr y it. I d id ever ything I was told to do, even when I d isa greed with it. If something d i d n ’ t ma ke sense to me, I

thoug ht that, w hen I lost the wei g ht, I wouldn’t do it anymore.

Wei g ht fel l o qui ckl y. I b ega n to lose that sense of desperation that brought me into FA . I began to question if my l ife was real l y that unmana geable, if I was real l y an add ict.

en on day 60 of the program, I broke my abstinence a nd ate food with sugar. It was unintentional at rst, but w hen I rea l ized w hat I had done, I decided that I would have al l the fo o d I had b een missing for t wo months. I binged all night on sugar. I admitted it to my sp onsor a nd resolved to start again the next d ay. O ld habits d ie hard.

I did start over the next d ay. My b o d y rejected al l that sugar, and I was miserabl y il l for the next 24 hours. at should have been enough, but a fe w weeks later, around Christmas, I broke a gain.

I hated tel l ing my sponsor a s wel l a s my friend who brought me into the program, but they d id not judge and helped me get started a gain.

For the next three months, I rema ined out w a rd l y compl i a nt, but I questi oned a lot of things.

en my v ie w started to change. If something d idn’t make sense to me, I decided it w a sn ’ t imp or ta nt enoug h to d wel l on. I b ega n to let go a nd accept the things I could not change. I wanted to change the pro g ra m, but inste ad the pro g ra m changed me.

I recentl y watched a sp e a ker w ho s a i d , “It is e a si er to commit 100% tha n to commit 98%.” I realized that the t wo percent I held back w a s l i ke the leavening in our. It grows, leading to more and more questions and more a nd more doubt. Eventual l y, I made the decisi on to surrender completel y, and a burden was l i ed. Being wil ling was easier.

at do esn ’ t me a n that my add i cti on is gone. But just for today, I have a plan without regrets or second g uesses. I recognize the l i es a s l i es. And to d ay I feel at p e ace with myself.

Ann S., Ohio, US

MEREDITH M , ME

Op ening a Ne w Do or

Ia m o r i g i n a l l y f ro m Ir a n a n d i m m igrated to the United States eight years

a go. I sta r ted FA in S eptemb er 2021 at 168 p ound s, 5-feet, 3-inches ta l l. Now I a m 1 2 0 p o u n d s . Lo s i n g 4 8 p o u n d s w a s not p ossible w ithout the to ol s of this prog ra m. At f irst, I thoug ht w hat we e at w a s the w hole p oint, but now I know that the to o l s a l s o h e l p o u r re co v er y a n d a b i l i t y to stay abstinent.

Food add iction is a d i s e a s e o f i s o l a t i o n a nd I used to isol ate a l o t . In t h e b e g i nn i n g , I d i d n ’ t h av e c o n f i d e n c e i n c o mm u n i c a t i n g w i t h others in my second

l a n g u a g e . E x p re s si n g my f e e l i n g s a n d a sking for hel p w a s a ma ssi ve cha l lenge. I s t a r te d b re a k i n g t h a t w a l l b y c a l l i n g my sp o ns o r e v er y d ay. I h a d to f i n d a w ay to express myself. Then I had to ma ke three phone c a l l s e ach d ay, w hi ch w a s cha l lengi n g . I d i d n ’ t k n o w t h e A m er i c a n c u l t u re a nd w a s not conf i dent w ith my Eng l ish. I w a s n o t s u re h o w p e o p l e wo u l d re a c t o r re sp o n d to my c a l l s , a n d I w a s s o f e a r f u l

a b o u t i t . I w a s a f r a i d t h a t p e o p l e w o u l d m a k e f u n o f m e o r f i n d i t we i rd to l i s ten to m e , s o m e o n e w h o d i d n ’ t h av e to o much to s ay.

My s p o n s o r w a s c o n c e r n e d a b o u t m e not getting my c a l l s done; a l l I w a nted to do wa s avoid it. So I decided to change my s p o n s o r. I a t te n d e d a m e e t i n g to f i n d a n e w s p o n s o r a n d s h a re d my p ro b l e m h o n e s t l y i n a b re a ko u t ro o m w i t h f i v e av a i l a b l e s p o n s o r s . No t o n l y d i d I f i n d my current sp onsor, w h o I c o n n e c t w i t h v e r y w e l l , b u t t h e y a l s o g av e m e g re a t t i p s f o r h o w to d o my c a l l s . Th e y s u gg e s te d t h a t I l e av e deta i led messa ges w hen other people d idn ’ t respond and menti on w hen I would be av a i l a b l e s o t h e y c o u l d c a l l b a c k . I a l s o a s k e d p e o p l e a b o u t t h e i r av a i l a b l e t i m e s w h e n I c a l l e d t h e m . At te n d i n g m o re Zo om or in-p erson meetings hel p ed me to connect to fel lows that w ay.

A f te r b e i n g a b l e to g e t my c a l l s d o n e e ver y d ay, I fel t so connected w ith the fel-

Calling people opened a new door to possibilities for me, through which I could get out of my cage and experience the world in a di erent, loving way.

lows and this prog ram. We could rel ate to e a c h o t h e r a n d h e l p e a c h o t h e r, w h i c h hel p ed me stay abstinent. Ca l l ing p eople opened a ne w door to possibi l ities for me, throug h w hi ch I could get out of my c a ge a n d e x p e r i e n c e t h e w o r l d i n a d i f f e re n t , lov ing w ay.

LINDAGRACE C , CA

Ma k i n g my c a l l s a l s o a f f e c te d my p e rsona l a nd wor k rel ati onshi ps. It made me m o re c o n f i d e n t a n d f r i e n d l y. I a m n o l o n g e r a f r a i d o f m a k i n g c a l l s to p e o p l e w hen I need them, a nd this is hel ping my recover y.

Fat e meh P., Califor nia, US

Ground ho g Day

Before I b ega n my journe y into reco v er y f ro m f o o d a d d i c t i o n, I wo k e u p e v er y m o r n i n g w i t h a strong resolve that this would be the d ay I would stick to my commitments. I kne w I w a s hur ting mys e l f w i t h my d es t r u c t i v e e at i n g h a b i t s a n d t h e b i n g e i n g a n d p u r g i n g t h at o en to o k pl ace. I not onl y h u r t my s e l f, I hurt the people I l o v e d , a s I w a s u n a b l e to b e present in my rel a t i o n s h i p s w hen I wa s anest h et i ze d b y o u r, s u g a r, a n d quantities.

I a l s o s to l e t i m e f ro m my em p l o y er b e c aus e I co u l d not b e f ul l y present at my job. I w a s cons t a n t l y t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e n e x t m e a l , snack, t re at, or re w a rd. I o en stole fo o d from my coworkers. Ever y day I said I wa sn ’ t going to hur t myself, but before noon I

w a s f a ce d o w n i n t h e f o o d . It w a s l i k e w atc h i n g t h at m o v i e , Gro u n d h o g Da y . I kept repeating the same behavior, thinking this time would be d i erent. Ever y day this w a s going to be my l a st binge. And e ver y d ay I wen t to b e d , s i c k f ro m t h e f o o d a n d f e e l i n g l i k e a fa i lure.

W h en I c a m e to FA , w i t h t h e g u i d a n ce o f a t h er a p i s t , I l e a r n e d I w a sn ’ t a f a i l ure; I w a s a f o o d a d d i c t . I l e a r n e d t h ere were other p eop l e w h o were l ike me and who thought like me. I learned I wasn ’ t a l o n e a n d t h at there wa s a solution. I learned that one day at a time, I could have hope. Tod ay, I don’t h av e to b e a s l av e to my a d d i c t i o n. I c a n have a feel ing and not eat over it. Tod ay is no longer Groundhog Day.

She rstin N., Califor nia, US

SUSAN D , CA

Stay ing for the Miracles

Iwas 260 pounds and had no hope that I would ever stop eating. en I came to this program for one reason to lose weight.

In FA, I've always heard “ stay for the miracle.” I can say that while unexpected, I have had many miracles throughout my time in recover y, and they keep coming.

I found my rst miracle when I put my food on the scale and woke up abstinent the next day. One day at a time, a year later I had shed exactly 100 pounds. Continued abstinence helped the rest to come o , revealing the person hiding behind the fat for al l those years. Twent y years later, I weigh 123 pounds.

e rst time I heard my sponsor suggest that I ask God for help when I had food thoughts, my reaction was, “I’m not important enough to ask for help with my food. God’s busy.” A short time later, I was leaving a movie theater parking lot with my young son in his car seat in the back of the car. e parking lot was dark as I followed another

car to avoid the tra c heading the other way. ere were no l ights, and I couldn’t see where the rst car had gone. I noticed a break in the trees in the d istance and followed the road to that point. As I hesitated in the dark, I saw a “road ahead” sign and bean to accelerate to enter the intersection. Suddenly, I heard a loud voice yell “Back up!” I slammed the car into reverse. I looked ahead and realized that what had appeared to be a road was actual l y a ramp into the river through the break in the trees. ere were no markings or warning signs. I trembled as I looked around and realized no one was there. e loud voice was my Higher Power, who had taken the time to save me and my child from a ver y dangerous situation. I knew then that I was important enough to turn to my Higher Power with anything and ever ything in life.

I continued to work my program and began to feel God’s presence more and more. My husband was facing a dangerous

I have come to know that this is not a program with a spiritual component, but a spiritual program.

surger y that could have cost him his leg or possibly his life. As we drove to the doctor, I prayed, “God, please let me know if this will be alright.” Within less than a minute, a red cardinal (a symbol for me from God?) ew across the windshield of the car. I was stunned because we were not in a wooded area.

I continued to work my program, brought my weighed-and-measured food to the hospital during the entire time, and though his recover y had many t wists and turns, he can walk with the help of a cane, and I remained abstinent. Had I thrown away my abstinence in despair or worr y, I would not have been there for my husband when he needed me. When he awoke in the recover y room, there was a gorgeous nurse leaning over him. Bur he called for me and asked me to lean in and kiss him a gain and a gain even a er 45 years of marriage. What a miracle! We are now married 48 years and our marria ge is richer than ever. Another miracle for this food addict!

Another challenge was that my youngest son developed epilepsy during his rst year of college. I leaned heavily on my program and Higher Power to get through the years that followed, never knowing when my son would drop to the oor thrashing. He suffered a brain injur y when he fell on a concrete oor during a seizure, which resulted in t wo skull fractures and a bad brain bleed. I didn’t

eat. I relied again on my program and Higher Power. When my son awoke from massive brain surger y, the surgeon told us he had never seen a patient as alert and talking a er that t ype of injur y. He said most patients were either dead or in a coma.

I felt, and shared with my son, my belief that he was saved for a reason. His life may touch someone in a way that he'l l never know about, but he can be assured his life is important. Six years later, he is recovering and no longer seizing, has a wonderful career, and is engaged to be married!

My program gave me the streng th to get through these challenges without picking up the food. Eating addictively would have distanced me from my loved ones rather than being there for them!

I have come to know that this is not a program with a spiritual component, but a spiritual program. I work to show my gratitude ever y day in ever y way. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress.

I love the saying I’ve heard in FA, “If I worr y, why pray, and if I pray, why worr y?” I live by this daily and when faced with fear or situations that require di cult decisions, I turn to my Higher Power and seek g uidance. If I cannot reach a decision by seeing a clear path from my Higher Power, it’s not time to make the decision. I pray for acceptance and wait, and miracle of miracles, an answer appears!

Ellen M., Florida, US

Tr uth B e Told

My 13-year-old son was recently caught in a rather elaborate lie.

As an addict, this is something with which I have a bit of experience. Instead of yelling and screaming, something pre-program mom would have done, I calmly asked, “I bet that has been really hard to carr y around with you all this time, huh?” With tears rolling down his cheeks, he nodded in agreement.

We talked about how important honest y is in all our relationships, especially in our family. I said, “I know how hard it is to lie to people who love you, ” and thought it was a good time to share a stor y about a time when I was dishonest with him.

“Buddy, do you remember when you used to wonder what happened to your le over dessert that you would bring home from a restaurant? Well, I was lying to you when I

said you had forgotten it. e truth is, I would eat it a er you went to sleep.”

He turned and looked at me with his big, brown eyes, cracked a crooked smile, and announced, “Mom, you really sucked!”

A er the initial shock, followed by hysterical laughter, I told him he was 100% correct! When I am in my disease, I am sel sh, distant, and dishonest all prett y sucky qualities. is disease of food addiction also sucks. It sucks the joy, connection, and love right out of my life.

With the tools of this program and by working the Twelve Steps, I do not have to live like that anymore. I can show up, feel the feelings, and live a life of integrit y. So now, when I get on my knees each morning, I not only ask God for an abstinent day, but also for the strength and guidance not to suck.

Tara B., Pennsylvania, US

SUSAN F , NY

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.