Stories of our Fathers

myself to who he was. That way I could make sure he would accept me. He kept putting it back on me and in a variety of different ways he kept asking me to look and consider who I am.

I know my ability to share and engage in counselling began in the moment I felt safe, accepted and that I belong. This is an insight that stands out now. That is a switch track. When that happens I am able to shut off some of the mental feelers and my defenses lower and I can put more emotional energy into self-examination. I can go deeper into myself that way. This is a label I can now put on that was happening. Even being in this research group has helped me move forward from just narrating my story to self-disclosing my vulnerability.

As a result of that work I can say that I now feel much more comfortable inside my own skin. I now feel hope where before I was walking through life with a limp. I don’t need to walk through life missing a sense of my identity and can now see the kind of me I will model myself after. I need to keep walking in this process. I am walking towards becoming the person who I want to be and I have a greater sense of how to do that. I am surprised sometimes when people complement me on being myself. I have worked hard on that but don’t know if I will ever get there. I am more comfortable than I have ever been. I still feel like a fish out of water but at least now I feel like a fish.

I wish I knew what it is that I attach myself to with my biological father. I was willing to have him at my wedding and to do an awkward meeting with his father. He wanted me to understand that he loved my mom. I want to say, “You make sense.” “What do you need?” I wanted to ask him questions about his career. I want to know who he is and why he does things. I have lots of questions and I am still surrounded by ambiguity. I wonder if I had more