I am glad to participate in the research project because talking to other men about my personal life is something that I know makes me feel scared and that fear is something that I want to stop because I know that it does not serve me very well. So I take advantage of opportunities like this whenever they come along. It is something that I do selfishly. I do this for myself. I take the opportunity to be vulnerable with a bunch of guys when I can because I know that is good for me. I have learned I need to face this fear. At the same time, I hope to contribute to other men and if this can help others then I am glad to help. The Injury I was the oldest child in my family but there was a brother before me who died. As a result my mother was very protective. When I was young my father seemed to fill the whole room. He seemed huge. But he didn’t have much to do with me until I was eight years old. He was always busy with work so I don’t have a lot of memories of him. Most of those are of him raging at me. He would rage but did not strike me except for physical punishment for specific transgressions which were not common. Even though they didn’t happen regularly they kept my fear of him alive in me all the time. My clearest early memories of patterns with him were those of negativity and never feeling good enough. I had a nagging consistent lack of recognition from
him about my abilities and accomplishments. He was brilliant, creative, successful, with a great wit, very moody, negative and likely bipolar….he died an alcoholic 4 years ago. I craved his recognition and approval and it felt unavailable, leaving me feeling insecure, self-doubting, and unsure of my abilities. I had a constant anxiety and anger towards him and the world. I remember a feeling of being betrayed. Like you fucking prick, I can’t join sports, you never
