November 2022: Time Will Heal. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

Exp er i enc ing R ecover y

Iwasborn in 1939 to teenage parents and my grandparents raised me. My mother, who was sent away because she was pregnant, was more like a big sister. I was the rst grandchild and was not deprived of love or belonging in any way My grandparents truly doted on me. My extended family members lived in close proximit y, and they, too, kept a watchful eye on me

Although I never heard the words “I love you, ” I was hugged and reassured throughout my young life And they fed me really fed me! My mother later married my stepfather and I would eat t wo suppers one at my mother’s house and a gain at my grandmother’s. Looking back, I am certain that I was being groomed to become a food addict.

My grandparents were my big gest fans. I am the oldest of seven children and was eight years old when my rst sibling, a brother, was born. As time went by, I became their second mother, as well as their dressmaker, hair dresser, and con dante. At a young age, I was supplying many of their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. ey looked up to me!

I later became a nurse and perfected the art of being caring and nurturing of others. I anticipated ever yone ’ s needs but my own,

aimed to please, and avoided con ict as much as possible. I had witnessed mistreat ment of my mother by my stepfather. ough I wasn ’ t aware of the impact of these things at the time, the words I heard and the emotions I felt created a fear of con ict.

I was not over weight as a child or teen. In fact, when I got married, I weighed 118 pounds. I met my husband 58 years a go, a month before my eighteenth birthday. He’s a wonderful man and we have four children, seven grandchildren, and t wo great-granddaughters. We are blessed, as we tr y to instill in them the values we were taught.

My weight started to go up and down during my mid thirties and peaked in my sixties, at which time I went on my rst diet. My health problems started in 1991 with plantar fasciitis in my feet and lots of aches and pains due to musculoskeletal problems. My back ached, my knees creaked, and my weight continued to rise. A er many tests, including X rays, ultrasounds, and an MR I, in 1995 a rheumatologist dia gnosed me withbromyalgia. I was relieved to get a diagnosis. I no longer had to ward o being called a ma lingerer, a label that crossed my mind o en over the years preceding my diagnosis.

I also had seven surgeries for carpal tunnel syndrome and trigger ngers. I became ver y depressed and eventually le nursing on long term disabilit y. I therefore had an early retirement from my beloved profession. I found it di cult to function. I was unable to accept my lot in life, this premature stoppage from work, so I went into counseling for 12 years. I was angr y, missed my job and my colleagues, and felt unworthy.

Again, my weight began to climb. I could hardly walk and was put on diet pills when I was nearing 300 pounds. I had to shed the weight to be able to get knee surger y. I even tually had three surgeries for the two knee replacements because the rst one needed to be redone. e last t wo surgeries were a er I was in FA. I walked with a cane, was ver y dependent on my family, and certain I would be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.

In May 2009, I met a friend at her dad’s funeral. I had seen her eight months earlier, when her mom died. Her weight loss was un believable. She mentioned FA, gave me a brochure, and invited me to a meeting that evening. I wondered how she could go to a meeting on the same day she’d buried her dad.

I went to the meeting ver y skeptical, espe cially when I heard the salutation, “I am a food addict!” I felt these people were nuts to be calling themselves addicts. A er all, I only had a little food compulsion, and I resented

being called an addict.

I was 264.5 pounds when I came into FA. I had been a professional dieter for years, being on several di erent diets and prescribed diet pills, but nothing worked. My attitude then was that no one was going to tell me or teach me what to do. A er all, I have been there, done that, for over 40 years!

It took me time to say the word addict, but when I nally said, “I am a food addict,” I felt like a weight had been li ed o my shoulders. is program worked for me. I discovered that it was not a diet but a way of life. I also learned that the program is three dimen sional physical, mental, and spiritual. I learned to weigh and measure my life, just as I had learned to weigh and measure my food, which led to my total acceptance of the FA program.

e tools of the program provide the guidelines and boundaries that give me the freedom to practice my program. I nd quiet time most e ective as it provides me with a higher power (God), whom I talk to ever y day. He is certainly portable! I love this pro gram, the people I have met, the encourage ment I am given, and the inner peace and calm that it a ords me. I’ve lost 62 pounds, am enjoying better health and an overall feel ing of well-being, and I no longer walk with a cane. ank you God. As the prayers go up, the blessings come down.

Linda B., Canada

Stopping the Obsessi on

Growing up in our home was dicult at times. My parents had nine kids and we worked hard. For most of my childhood, we had no running water. We helped with gardening, cleaning the house, doing laundr y for eleven people, and more. My parents were strict and there wasn ’ t any a ection. I can ’ t recall either of my parents telling me they loved me or giving me a hug. I remember a fe w times that I was beaten by my mother, but I have forgiven her for that. She had her hands f ull raising the children while my fa ther worked.

My mother cooked three meals a day, ever y day. We had a lot of comfort food and vegetables from the garden that we canned or froze to preser ve.

I did not have a weight problem as a child. I became over weight when my rst child was about a year old and I started tr ying to lose weight. I took amphetamines, growth hor mones, and appetite suppressant “candies.”

ere was a time when I ate only about 600 calories per day until my hair started falling out.

I tried hypnosis and exercised obsessively for years to control my weight. I taught exer cise classes for free for four years, and another time I taught nine aerobic exercise classes per week until t wo days before I gave birth to my daughter. I rode a bike 20 miles per day during another pe riod. I li ed weights and jogged, but I was still never thin. Twelve years a go I found out that I have labral tears in both hip joints. I think it’s probabl y from exercising so much while over weight.

I’m 64 years old now and I realize that I have been tr ying to lose weight since I was 23 years old. I have tried many diets. Twice I was able to lose 40 pounds but gained it back both times. I have tried so many diets that, before I found FA, I did not know what a “healthy” diet was. I tried accepting myself as being

e day that I started attending meetings, the obsessive thoughts of food stopped. Food was no longer calling to me constantly.

over weight, but I could not do that either I have done so many things to get into a right sized bod y, and I am still 60 pounds over weight I have hated myself for not being able to lose weight. I have said many times over the years that “food is my enemy. ” Recently, my daughter and her t wo chil dren stayed with me for nearly a year. ere was food in my house that I absolutely could not stay out of no matter how hard I tried I nall y acknowledged that I had a serious problem.

I started doing some research and found FA on the internet. I created a pro le the day I found it. I identi ed some Zoom meetings that worked for my schedule and started attending. I found a sponsor whom I love.

e day that I started attending meetings, the obsessive thoughts of food stopped. Food was no longer calling to me con stantly In these rst 90 days of abstinence, I have lost about 30 pounds, which has brought me such a sense of relief. I know now that I can have a right sized bod y if I stay with FA.

e daily tools help me keep my goals in the forefront of my brain I have made many new friends who I can turn to when I need help. ere is so much support in FA . Ex actly what I needed anks to FA, I can do this!

Debbie J., West Virginia, US

Twelve Steps

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

sks, ha nd s a nitizers, a nd the tools of FA . When I came into the FA pro g ra m in 2009, it ne ver o ccurred to me that these things could b e connected , unti l one morning , d ur ing my qui et time, a thoug ht entered my mind. I w a s reminded that my son in law was at the airport ab out to le ave for a vacation to a “ coron av irus hotspot.”

MaOne Ma sk at a Time Without the gi of abstinence, I shut down and focus only on myself, ... an awful place to be.

Letting go and let ting Go d ha s b een ver y d i cul t for me as a mom of six adult chi ldren w ho have to ma ke their ow n l ife choi ces. In my add i cti on, I think the y should understand that I know what is best for them all the time. ey need to listen to the wisdom I have for them. Over the years, I told them that I had an ima g inar y book titled “How to Li ve Your Li fe Accord ing to Roseanne” and that I kne w that none of them had read it. eir joking retort to me was, “And we ’ re not going to. ” I would then respond with a smile, “How rude!”

When my d aug hter and son in l aw rst told me they were going , I was concerned for their health. My initial thought was that

the y would surel y test positive w hen the y got home. I secretl y hoped that their ight would be cancelled, but no such luck. I did n ’ t want to be the bad g uy, tel l ing them not to go b ec ause of my ow n fe a rs, a nd the y d i d n ’ t a sk for my opini on. In FA, I have learned not to give opinions unless asked. I would have to work my recover y by “let ting go a nd letting God!”

My d aug hter re a s sured me that the y would have their masks and sanitizers, taking care to fol low al l necessar y precau ti ons to keep themsel ves s afe a s wel l a s those around them. When they returned, they would self quarantine for 14 days. I felt so gratef ul that they were taking responsi bil it y by doing the right thing.

Miraculousl y, a s my qui et time that d ay continued , I b ega n to see simi l a r iti es b e t ween my FA tools and their taking neces s a r y C OVI D prec auti ons, such a s ma sk we a r ing , using ha nd s a nitizers, so ci a l d is ta ncing , a nd self qua ra ntining to protect themselves and others.

In my FA journe y, there were times I

worked my tools doing half measures, but I learned that d idn’t work. By not using the to ol s a s the y a re me a nt, I exp er i enced weight gain, swelling in my joints, anger, re sent ment s, fe a r, doubt s, insecur iti es, a nd being a busybod y. Al l of that old thinking c a me r ushing b ack. I w a s not protecting myself or those around me.

Despite my pain, I got down on my knees, pray ing to my Hig her Power for the w i l l ingness to get and stay abstinent by using the tools as I had been taught to do.

Gratitude, anonymit y, l iterature, w riting , and ser vice are all tools that have helped me to stay abstinent. Without the gi of absti nence, I shut dow n and focus onl y on my self, w hi ch is a n aw f ul pl ace to b e. With abstinence, I have been able to protect my he a l th a nd serenit y a nd b e of ser v i ce to those around me.

Working my program of recover y, I expe r i ence the p e ace a nd serenit y of a l low ing my ad ul t chi ld ren to l i ve their ow n l i ves. When the y made the decisi on to ta ke C OVI D prec auti ons to protect their health and serenit y, my children came back safely and COVID free. I am grateful to my Higher Power for showing me the connec tion bet ween ma sk wearing , hand sanitizers, a nd the FA to ol s, a nd how the y a l l bene t me and others by providing protec tion for a healthier, stronger l ifest yle.

Roseanne M , Ohio, US

Twelve Traditions

5.

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively. Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole. Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. 10. 11. 12.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Blessed l y Avera ge

Oh, my thi g hs! I w a s ei g ht ye a rs o l d a n d at ten d e d a f ter s c h o o l t a p a n d b a l l e t c l a s s e s . We a l l wore bl ack leota rd s a nd pink ti g ht s. Unti l t h at t i m e , I h a d n ’ t e sp e c i a l l y n o t i ce d my t h i g h s , b u t t h e y s u d d e n l y s e e m e d h u g e . The y were huge on my b o d y a n d h u g e i n my m i n d . Th e y d i d n ’ t lo ok l i ke the thi g hs of my t w o f r i e n d s , w h o b o t h h a p p e n e d to b e excepti ona l l y thin, but I d i d n ’ t k n o w t h i s a t t h e t i m e . I a l s o d i d n ’ t k n o w t h a t I w a s a to ta l l y norma l sized ki d. From that time on, it w a s a s t h o u g h a l l I c o u l d s e e o r f o c u s o n w a s t h e s e c t i o n o f my b o d y s p a n n i n g f ro m my b el l y to the tops of my k n e e s . My o b s e s s i o n to o k o v e r, a n d t h e d i s to r te d v i s i o n e x p a n d e d f ro m my thi g hs to incl ude my b acksi de a nd b el l y. I remember a lw ays keeping my head dow n, e y e s t r a i n e d o n my m i d s e c t i o n, wo n d er i n g w hy I w a s s o h u g e a n d l u m p y, w hy I could n ’ t lo ok l i ke the other ki d s.

My f i r s t s u m m e r i n re c o v e r y, 1 5 y e a r s a g o, I h a d l o s t 5 0 p o u n d s a n d w a s i n a r i g ht-sized b o d y for the f irst time in wel l over 10 ye a rs. I t r i ed on a n adorable l ittle sundress. For the f irst time, my thig hs d id n ’ t touch. It w a s ha rd to b el i e ve, a nd I had to c h e c k my s e l f f re q u e n t l y w h e n I w o re the d ress to ma ke sure i t s t i l l l o o k e d t h e w ay I rememb ered it lo ok ing e a r l i er. D o I h av e p e r f e c t t h i g h s to d a y ? C e r tainl y not by ma ga zine s t a n d a rd s . My t h i g h s c a r r y t h e b a t t l e s c a r s o f my s t r u g g l e w i t h f o o d a d d i c t i o n . S o m e t i m e s I s t i l l f e e l a sha med of their w i gg l y sp ot s, the cel l ul ite, o r t h e s h a d o w s o f st retch ma r ks f rom the rapi d wei g ht ga in of my teena ge years. But then I remember t h at my t h i g hs a re n o t b u r n i n g f ro m t h e chaf ing of to o much f lesh w ith no ro om to move. That the y a re now blessed l y av era ge.

SUSAN F , NY

Diana B., Mass achu sett s, US

Shi Out of Fear

Se v er a l m o n t hs a g o, I g o t i n to a m i n o r c a r a cc i d en t o n my w ay to q u a l i f y at a n FA m e et i n g . W h en that happened , a tiny par t of me thoug ht, He y, bad t h i ng s are n ’ t supp o sed t o happ e n t o m e w h e n I a m d o i ng s e r v i c e f o r m y Hi g h e r Po w e r. Ho we v er, I w a s a b l e to a r r i v e at more rationa l think ing by processing the s i t u at i o n w i t h my FA f e l l o w s. Ye s , i t was unfortunate that I had misc a lcul ated , b u t n ob o d y w a s i n ju re d . Ad d i t i o n a l l y, b o t h c a r s rem a i n e d d r i v a b l e. I w a s a b l e to o n ce a g a i n p r a c t i ce g o i n g to my Hi g h er Po wer a n d my sp o ns o r f o r h e l p r at h er t h a n s e e k i n g t h e d u b i o us co m f o r t o f f o o d a d d i c t i o n a n d b l a m e. A s a re s u l t , I sp o k e k i n d l y a n d calml y to the other driver as we exchanged information.

Once I w a s back on the road , I c a l led my sponsor, bec ause I have learned that keep ing her in the loop helps to s afeg uard my abstinence. Sha r ing my burdens a nd joys

helps me relea se excess emotion and shi my perspective so I can return to a sense of b a l a n ce a n d e q u a n i m i t y. My sp o ns o r l i s tened and responded sympatheticall y with s o m e p r a c t i c a l s u g g e s t i o ns. Ca l m er, I drove to the meeting and w a s ama zed that I wa s able to show up o n t i m e d e sp i te t h e delay of the accident. W h en i t c a m e t i m e f o r m e to q u a l i f y, i t w a s e a s y f o r m e to sp e a k a b o u t t h e abund ant g i s of FA recover y.

Fo r m o n t hs a er the accident, I found my s e l f p er i o d i c a l l y s t r u g g l i n g w i t h worr y. How would I repa ir the d ama ge to my c a r? D i d I need to noti f y the D M V? Would my car insurance rates go up? I was n ’ t rea l l y sure, but I kne w that I needed to t a l k w i t h my sp o ns o r a n d f e l l o w s a b o u t e ach of these concerns a s the y a rose, so I co u l d t a k e co ns t r u c t i v e a c t i o n a n d s h i out of self centered fear. I felt such a sense of rel ief and gratitude for each of the sug g e s t i o ns I w a s g i v en, a n d a s I to o k t h em,

I appreciate that my Higher Power uses FA to teach me whatever I need to learn. FA precepts remind me that being humble enough to ask is a virtue that will always be rewarded.

things slow l y star ted mov ing in a positi ve d irection.

I am profound l y gratef ul that at no point d id my sponsor or my fel lows a sk me w hy, a woman w ho is 43 years old , kne w a lmost n o t h i n g a b o u t t h e s e p r a c t i c a l , co m m o n s ens e m at ter s that most peo p l e l e a r n i n their e a r l y 20s. Instead, my fel l o w s p ro v i d e d t h e s u p p o r t a n d i n f o r m a t i o n t h at a ll o we d m e to l e a r n t h e s e ba sic l ife ski l l s. I a p p re c i ate t h at my Hi g h er Po wer us e s FA to teach me what e v er I n e e d to l e a r n. FA p re ce p t s rem i n d m e t h at b e i n g humble enoug h to a sk is a v ir tue that w i l l a lw ays be re w arded.

It i s re l e v a n t to e x p l a i n w hy I h a d n o t driven a c ar for most of my adult l ife. Prior to FA, I told myself and anyone who would l i s ten t h at d r i v i n g w a s f o r p e o p l e w h o co u l d n ’ t t h i n k “ o u t s i d e t h e b ox . ” I s t ate d

t h at au to m ob i l e s f o s tere d a s e d en t a r y l i fest y le, promoting he a r t d ise a se, hy p er tensi on, stroke, obesit y, etc. I arg ued that driving cars dama ges the environment and is d angerous. One need onl y consider the hi g h numb er of p eople w ho a re ki l led in t r a c a cc i d en t s e a c h year. ere are e l em en t s o f t r u t h i n t h e s e o b s e r v a t i o n s ; howe ver, I w a s o v e r l o o k i n g the many bene t s a n d t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t re a s o n I c h o s e n o t to drive. I was too ob s e s s e d w i t h my t h i n n e s s , b u l i m i a , a n d o v e r - e x e r c i si n g to e v en co ns i d er s av ing mone y for a c ar or ta king the time to shop for a vehi cle. ere were times in my l ife w hen I had plent y of mone y, but thoug ht s of dri v ing n e v er c ro s s e d my m i n d . I wo u l d m u c h rather r un to work or ride my bi ke. R ather than looking for w ays to expand my l ife, I sp en t my t i m e t h i n k i n g a b o u t w h at I

PATTY L , CA

c9 onnection

would eat next, w here I could go to throw i t u p, a n d w h i c h t y p e s o f c l o t h e s wo u l d ma ke me look thin.

When I came into FA, got abstinent, and star ted to emerge from the per va sive food f o g t h at h a d ens h ro u d e d m e f o r y e a r s , I s t a r te d to s e e t h e a d v a n t a g e s o f h av i n g a car. I wa s a food add ict w ho l ived in a tow n w i t h m i n i m a l p u b l i c t r a nsp o r t , a n d I n e e d e d to b uy g ro cer i e s a n d g o to t h re e co m m i t te d m e et i n g s e v er y week. Althoug h fel l o w s g av e m e r i d e s for quite a w hi le, I n a l l y a cce p te d a f o u r- w h e e l e d v e h icle. I sti l l love to use a lternati ve method s o f t r a nsp o r t at i o n, b u t h av e b en e te d greatl y from surrendering my uniqueness in favor of doing w hat works.

A er my accident, FA helped me to get m u c h o f t h e p a p er wo r k a n d c a r re p a i r s straightened out. I wa s stil l concerned that my c ar insurance rates would go up. I am a f u l l t i m e s t u d en t i n g r a d u ate s c h o o l a n d l i ve on a ver y stri ct bud get. I could n ’ t see w here the mone y would come f rom, so I prayed e ver y time the a n x i et y provoking thoug hts tried to ta ke over my mind. is c a lmed me.

Tod ay, I got an ans wer from my Hig her

Power that l led me w ith awe. I recei ved n o t i c at i o n t h at my c a r i ns u r a n ce r ate s wo u l d n e a r l y d o u b l e. I t a l k e d w i t h my sponsor, w ho is ne ver at a loss for sug ges t i o ns , a n d g o t t h e sp i r i t u a l a n d p r a c t i c a l h e l p I n e e d e d to s t a r t my p ro ce s s. Fo r hours, I called around tr ying to nd a more re a s o n a b l e q u o te. At o n e p o i n t , I g o t a n outreach c a l l. I stopped w hat I w a s doing to a ns wer, t h a n k Go d . We t a l k e d , w h i c h a l w ay s b r i n g s me peace, and during the conversation, my FA friend suggested I t r y h er au to i ns u r a n ce co m p a ny. I thought, W hy not ? It’s w o r t h a sh o t. I’v e a l rea d y ca l l ed s o m a n y pl aces, but thi s could be my Highe r Powe r. Su re en o u g h, t h e re co m m en d e d co m pany gave me a quote that w a s a ord able. Interesting l y, the insurance a gent himself w a s surprised that the quote w a s so low. I gratef ul l y accepted the o er and wa s a gain humbled by my Hig her Power’s abi l it y to gentl y extricate me from situations that in evitabl y arise when one attempts to live life on life’s terms. I love being abstinent, which g i ves me the cl arit y and con dence to a sk my fel lows and Hig her Power how to l i ve a good l ife, one action at a time.

Susan D., Califor nia, US

I spent my time thinking about what I would eat next, where I could go to throw it up, and which t ypes of clothes would make me look thin.

R emote Control

IknowI’m a food addict because I see my addiction in many of my behaviors. e t wo rocks I have to stand on are my higher power (whom I call God) and FA . Addiction reveals itself in my life if I stray from one of these t wo rocks. Take television, for instance, that seductive little black box. T V is not a problem for ever yone, but I know that, for me, it can be come a trap if I’m not spiritually alert. It says, “Come relax, Deme, I am how you unwind.” I witness my disease each time I pick up the remote when I don’t want to.

Just as my mind used to tell me that I could eat just one sugar item, I tell myself that I can watch just one T V show. Just as I used to tell myself to put the sugar down a er the rst item, I order myself, a er one T V show, to get up and stop click ing the remote. As with food, I’m miserable and I can ’ t stop even though I want to. ere is light at the end of this tunnel. rough using my tools of prayer,

writing , phone calls, and talking with my sponsor, I have been able to stop engaging in this binge like behavior.

At one point I wanted to stop watching T V as part of my abstinence. My sponsor, in her in nite wisdom, advised against it. She taught me that there will always be something to lure me toward my disease and that it’s up to me to go to God. I learned that I can ’ t swear o ever y single thing in my life. I must strengthen my God muscle. She suggested that I look for restorative and renewing ac tivities. Now I lie on the oor and breathe or go for a walk in the hills.

MARGARETE N , NJ

Just for today, television is not an issue. I’ve learned that T V watching is an activity, not a source of renewal or the only way for me to unwind. I watch it occasionally and it’s fun. I have a thriving ca reer, which keeps me busy. I listen to music and read more. And silence. Good old-fashioned silence. I can breathe again.

Deme S., California, US

Next R i g ht Acti on

August was a rough month. My roommate and I were ser ved with eviction papers so the new owners could remodel our apartment and then dou ble the rent. is ne ws came just as I was studying for a nancial test for work scheduled at the end of the month. I was anxious about how to hand le both of these huge events.

Soon a er the ev iction notice, I learned that a c yst on my pituitar y gland had re turned. How was I going to move, pass an exam, and then deal with the possibilit y of another surger y? I moved back to my par ent ’ s home where I could study peacef ully. Little did I know that my parent ’ s marriage was su ering some extreme burdens, fueled by their addictions. Living with them as they worked out their issues was extremel y painf ul and le me exhausted and emo tional. Although it was tough being around them while I was preparing for the test, it was a joy to be with my little niece and sister, who also live with my parents.

at same week, I met with an FA friend who lives in another cit y and we attended a baseball game. A er the game, we walked to my car and there was glass ever y where. Someone had broken into my car and stole my expensive camera, my make-up, my pre-

scription eyeglasses, al l my earrings, and a curling iron. ey were kind enough to leave my Tupper ware from lunch and d inner, though! I was beside myself, but I remained calm and took the next right action, using the tools I have learned in Program to carr y me through this hard time. I had the window xed, a good friend who works at a depart ment store gave me samples of make-up, and I used my back up pair of glasses. ank you God, I have a lov ing boy friend and such a great friend in FA.

I’ve been through enough hard things in Program to know that this bad time would pass. e night before my test, I felt myself lean ing on God to shut o my brain so I could sleep. I woke up feel ing refreshed, excited, and ready to “slay the dragon.” My test was at a location an hour away, so I le plent y of time to get there, but on my way, a truck came to a sudden stop and I saw my life ash before my eyes as my airba g deployed. My glasses were thrown o , my lunch was upside dow n on the oor, and ever ything was thrown around. I couldn’t believe I was alive. My dad came to get me right away and took me to my 9 a.m. test site.

I took the test and unfortunatel y d idn’t pass, but I was so lucky to be alive that I really

d idn’t care. I kne w I’d get to retake it in 30 days, and thank God I was al ive to pass or fail; it just d idn’t matter. My best friend picked me up a er the test, I tal ked to my sponsor, and my boyfriend got my car towed to the auto body shop. I went to the ER to get checked and took a few days o work to recover from this month-long series of events. And it turned out that my new c yst was asymptomatic and would just have to be monitored ever y six months.

Later, I was sitting and eating my weighed and measured lunch and began to recount

G , MD

all the things that had gone wrong in the pre vious month and I couldn’t wait to tel l my sponsor about them. But then, the still small voice inside asked, “Is this lunch you are eat ing weighed and measured? en there truly are no problems.”

Instead of calling my spon sor with my laundr y list of self pit y, I was ec static to tel l her about my d iscover y that I was totally, without a shadow of a doubt, ab stinent from our and sugar and all the other substances that I had used to block out life. I could tell her that ever ything was just ne.

R

US

A R ea son to Celebrate

Isat

at my parent ’ s dining room table to celebrate anksgiving Day. With my right hand, I reached for a third ser ving of dessert; with my le , I popped open the top button on my black polyester pants to re lease some of the pressure from my 340 pound body. My stomach ached and I struggled to inhale, but I could not stop eat ing. A er all, doesn’t ever yone eat themselves out of their clothes on anksgiving Day?

ough it was anksgiving, that wasn ’ t the reason I was eating myself out of my clothes. I didn’t need a holiday celebration as a reason to eat, it was simply something I did. By the time I reached 340 pounds, I was eating more than 8,000 calories a day. ere was no celebrating, only miser y. Food became my most intimate relationship and it almost killed me. e problem started a half-centur y ago. As a child, food was my favorite thing. In less than 20 minutes I could eat entire baskets, boxes, or bags of foods meant to last my family for days. I was an outgoing but ver y inse cure kid and food was my con dence.

Sixteen years ago, when I walked into my rst FA meeting, I heard people say things I was embarrassed to even think. I binged daily, stole food, ate spoiled food, and erased these from my memor y like they never happened. I o en reported, "I haven’t eaten all day" and I

convinced myself that was true. But in that meeting, people remembered how they ate before recover y and talked about it in public! FA people were like me, and I’d never heard anyone talk about eating the way I did.

Five years a er that rst FA meeting, I got abstinent and started my recover y journey. My fellows supported me in releasing my deadly, intimate relationship with food and grabbing on to FA with both hands. Day by day, my sponsor and fellows taught me to re member how horrible it was to be unable to stop eating, even though it was killing me and devastating my life. ey taught me that I couldn’t stay in denial. ey gave me tools that were way more e ective than that third plate of dessert. ey gave me hope.

is most recent anksgiving, I sat around the table with my family and celebrated. I’ve kept o 190 pounds for the last 10 years. On that day, I didn’t eat multiple ser vings of huge portions. To my family’s ongoing surprise, and my delight, on anksgiving Day I ate the same way I’d eaten the previous day, week, month, and years, and I focused on the people. At the end of the meal, I clasped my hands in gratitude for another anksgiving in recover y to visit with my family. And that is an amazing reason to celebrate.

Pam D., Texas, US

Bed side Manner

When I w a s 23, my mom d i ed. I h a d t w o y e a r s o f a b s t i nence at the time, a nd I had n e v e r e x p e r i e n c e d a ny g r i e f l i k e i t . Th e

l o s s o f a p a re n t i s i n d e s c r i b a b l e . It’s l i k e t h a t f e e l i n g o f g e t t i n g o n s t a g e a s a k i d a n d l o o k i n g i n to t h e a u d i e n c e to f i n d your p a rent s, but the y a ren ’ t there. Ever y

m o m en t o f e v er y d ay f e l t l i k e t h at . I w a s co ns t a n t l y l o o k i n g f o r my m o m ’ s v a l i d ati on, love, a nd supp or t, but it w a sn ’ t there. She d i ed on a Mond ay. I w a s at wor k at my reta i l job w hen my mana ger pul led me a si de. She had recei ved the ne ws b efore I d i d. When I got home, I c a l led my sp on s o r i m m e d i a te l y. “ D o n ’ t w o r r y a b o u t g o i n g to y o u r m e e t i n g to n i g h t ” s h e s a i d g en t l y. “ No,” I re p l i e d , “ I ’ m s c h e d u l e d to qua l i f y. My mom would have w a nted me to qua l i f y. ” My m o m h a d a c c o m p a n i e d m e to my f i r s t m e e t i n g w h en I w a s 1 4 . D u r i n g t h e b re a k , s h e l o o k e d a t m e t h ro u g h te a r y e yes a nd a sked , “Are you going to join?” I shr ug ged and mumbled, “I g uess. ” She wa s one of my best advoc ates in FA . She c ame to my ver y f irst qua l i f i c ati on a nd b e a med w ith g ratitude a nd pr i de. I made my f irst Ni n t h S te p a m e n d to h e r. My m o m w atched me g row up in d ise a se a nd then g row up a ga in in recover y. S o on the d ay of her p a ssing , I could think of no b etter w ay to spend my e vening than to get up in f ront of a ro om of fo o d add i ct s a nd sha re my stor y.

O u r re l a t i o n s h i p w a s n o t a l w a y s e a s y, b u t FA t a u g h t m e g r a c e t h ro u g h h e r de ath. I le a rned how to b e present for her in a w ay that w a s not self ish. As her he a l th d e c l i n e d , s h e s to p p e d a n s w e r i n g t h e p h o n e . Th o u g h i t h u r t to n o t b e a b l e to

connect w ith my mom, I remembered the S erenit y Prayer; I couldn’t change her, but I c o u l d c h a n g e my s e l f. I s t a r te d s e n d i n g her v i deos so she could have my comp a ny w hen it w a s convenient for her. When she stopp ed c a ncer t re at ment s, I d i d not tel l h er w h at s h e s h o u l d b e d o i n g . I jus t s u p p or ted her a nd prayed for her comfor t. When she w a s in hospi ce, I noti ced lot s of people in the kitchen coping w ith food a nd a lcohol , a nd I know that would have b e en m e. Ha d I n o t b e en i n FA , I wo u l d h a v e b e e n e a t i n g my w a y t h ro u g h h e r p a s s i n g a n d d i s t a n c i n g my s e l f f ro m t h e p a in a nd , consequentl y, d ista ncing myself f ro m h e r. In s te a d , I l e a n e d i n to my p ro g r a m . I p a c k e d a l l my m e a l s f o r t h e d a y, stepp ed out of her ro om to ta ke my c a l l s, a n d t h e n re t u r n e d to h e r b e d s i d e , s o I c o u l d g i v e f u l l e r, k i n d e r, h e a l t h i e r s u pp o r t . Th o u g h I d i d n ’ t w a n t to l e a v e h e r b e d s i d e , I k n e w t h a t g o i n g to m e e t i n g s a nd ta king qui et time would keep me out o f t h e f o o d a n d c l o s e to my m o m . I l e a r n e d h o w to t a k e c a re o f h e r i n a w a y that nur tured her a nd a l so supp or ted my recover y.

She p a ssed aw ay 10 ye a rs a go a nd I sti l l miss her, but b ec ause of FA, I have p e ace w ith w ho I w a s at the time of her de ath. I g o t to b e t h e k i n d o f d a u g h te r I a l w a y s w a nted to b e b ec ause of my recover y.

Mi sh R ., Califor nia, US

Table Ta l k

SUSIE C , UK

So m e o f m y f a m i l y m e m b e r s h a d b e e n i n FA f o r many years w hen their father (my ex) f ina l l y decided to join. One d ay we were hav ing l unch at my d aug h ter ’ s h o us e , a n d my e x , b e i n g a n e w b i e i n FA , g o t u p i n t h e m i d d l e o f l u n c h to l o o k at s o m et h i n g i n t h e k i tc h en. My grandson, w ho wa s about seven years old at the time, and had l ived with a mother in FA for his whole l ife, said in horror, “Grandpa , I don’t know if that’s a break, but you can ’ t leave the table in the midd le of lunch!”

Anne S., Massachusetts, US

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.