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BODY CHAT BY HILLARY WELLES
THE WICKED STEPMOTHER: HOW TO STOP HER CONTROL AND RESET YOUR BODY IMAGE Body issues, anyone? Hell, yes, sister! I’ve had them all. Well, maybe not all, but a pretty good overall sampling. Let’s take an inventory, shall we? Body dysmorphia, bulimia, “borderline anorexia,” yo-yo dieting, binge eating, exercise addiction, orthorexia (obsessive calorie counting – I just learned there’s a word for it), fear of consuming fat (is there a word for that?), hating my belly, hating my thighs, hating my butt, hating my neck, and, for good measure, general self-loathing. Have I left anything out? Now that I’m in my 50s I can gratefully say I’ve moved beyond most of that. Most days, I can generally love and accept myself (even though, if I’m being totally honest, I still wish I had the body of a Victoria’s Secret Angel). I’ve spent upwards of 30 years working on healing my relationship with my body – and I still have “fat” days where I spend hours morbidly contemplating the ripples on my thighs or finding angles in the mirror that don’t show my (perceived or real?) spare tire. But in general, I just don’t care as much anymore. I am done investing my energy in self-loathing and the pursuit of perfection. Through years of struggle 226
ROCHESTER WOMAN ONLINE : JULY EDITION 2021
and exploration, I have now developed ways to accept my body, FOR REAL. It’s one of the perks of getting older. I’ve realized that there are so many better uses for my energy than worrying about how I look or how others perceive me. When I told my therapist I cared less and less about anyone’s opinion, she said, “Congratulations! Welcome to your F**k You 50s!” So…how’s your body image today? This column is all about keeping it real, so I’m going to be brutally honest. It’s for your own good and for the good of ALL of us. Because if you ‘re like me – and over 90% of women in the United States – the reality is that your body image is SHIT. According to DoSomething.org, approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and go on diets to achieve their ideal body shape - even though only 5% of women have the body type portrayed as “ideal” in mainstream American media. https:// www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11facts-about-body-image Know this: Your shitty body image is NOT YOUR FAULT. I blame the critical voice in our heads that blooms the moment we realize we are no longer the perfect infants everyone croons over and praises – the moment we realize that we are walking, talking beings who DON’T LIVE UP to the IDEAL. The voice grows louder every time we get that disappointed look from our parents. When our friends make fun of us. When our teacher shames us. When we’re told we’re “too”: too loud, too ugly, too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too shy,
too, too, too…. I call that voice the Wicked Stepmother. Here’s the truth: You will NEVER be good enough for the Wicked Stepmother. She doesn’t WANT you to be good enough. Like Cinderella sweeping the hearth or Snow White banished to the forest, she wants to keep you small, worried, uncertain, timid, scared, selfsabotaging, self-doubting, self-criticizing. She poisons you every day with her toxic judgments to make sure you will be so consumed with trying to live up to an unattainable ideal that you won’t have the energy to step into your authentic power. Because what could be more threatening to the Wicked Stepmother than you, the princess, stepping out of your horsedrawn carriage, dressed in all your finery, wielding the uncompromising power of your true influence? Unfortunately, you can’t do that until you overcome your fear of the Wicked Stepmother’s criticism. I’m not going to lie and tell you that she will shut up or that you’ll get rid of her. She is a part of you and she likely always will be. She was created, in a twisted way, to keep you safe. Young “you” thought you needed to conform to people’s judgments to avoid criticism, punishment, and ostracism, and the Wicked Stepmother made sure you knew just how you were doing. But now that you are an intelligent, functional, influential adult…what can you do? You’re going to have to beat the Wicked Stepmother at her own game. Trick her into working FOR you instead of
