The Really Funny Issue

The Plumber’s Faucet

Art by Carla Jocelyn

CONTRIBUTERS

Editor-In-Chief

Wade Radmore

Editors & Executives

Chahd El Mbarki

Kazuto Kambara

Alex Rosen

Milton Rosenbaum

Publications Director

Charlotte Volk

Writers

Johann Pacheco-Vessiere

Alex Rosen

Alan Kaufmann

Carla Jocelyn

Guillaume Provost

Cameron Radmore

Wade Radmore

Illustrators

Carla Jocelyn (Cover)

Britney Vu

Wade Radmore

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIX no. IV

April 2023

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Welcome to the coveted Editor’s Note for the Faucet’s final edition of the year. I thought I’d go over some of my favourite stories from each of this year’s editions.

In the “Welcome Issue” the Faucet picked enemies not just with the other publications of McGill but also nations around the world. An Emirati student expressed interest in writing for the Faucet at a club event, until he saw our jokes about bloody Saudi Arabian oil and looked at me with sadness in his eye and said “I got family in the Middle East, Bro,” and left never to be seen again.

The “Controversial Issue” stayed on brand and got our humble editor-in-chief into some good old trouble. Fear not, Faucet readers, for I am here to stay. There’s a reason I never criticize the EUS, these engineers I publish with can’t get enough of me! My best moment at this gig was when the president of the EUS said she knew I wasn’t in engineering as I was “too funny to be an engineer.” So if you want to earn compliments from your superiors, come write for the Faucet!

The “Whatever Issue” is what brought together the largest team of Faucet writers thus far. I have one serious qualm with the issue and that was the inclusion of a comic making an erection joke. I’m not against silly humour every now and then, been now that comic is one of the first images that Google shows when my name is searched up. So thank you, Faucet, for ruining my chances of being hired even more than my Arts degree had done.

In this issue, find the field of duck studies, asbestos in the walls (naturally), a cry for help, and the French. Enjoy the issue and assuming I don’t get fired by next semester, the Faucet and I will see you then. Follow us on instagram in the meantime

@plumbersfaucet

- Wade Radmore

Tarot Card Readings to Predict your Final Exam Success

by Wade Radmore

With exams fast-approaching, we all want a foolproof way to determine if we’ll succeed or fail! Well, I’m no fortuneteller, but I do have a few tarot cards that might help!

Pick whichever card speaks most to you. On it, you’ll find a description of what the card represents and what it might mean for your future exam success! Pick your card, learn your fate!

BATSHIT

This card represents insanity, blood-sucking, and gaining echolocation to make up for your sudden onset of blindness. To succeed on your final exams, you will have to find a street dealer that is willing to sell Clozapine, Risperidone, or methamphetamines to rather ease the schizophrenic hallucinations or make them really, really cool. Since McGill has a staunch anti-oppression policy, avoid feeding on fellow classmates or administration on campus grounds. Instead, dig through the garbage bins of the frequenters of McGill’s menstrual drives to guarantee an influx of blood to keep up the energy to study. To fight off the blindness, learning braille will be a necessity. Luckily for you, the Office for Students with Disabilities has rebranded to Student Accessibility and Achievement, so instead of blindness being a disability, it is actually your greatest achievement. Make sure to use that echolocation to be a giant dick making loud clicking noises during the exam when you’re trying to find your water bottle on your desk!

APESHIT

This card represents primal instinct, aggression, and an inescapable urge to climb the Empire State Building with an attractive woman you’ve kidnapped. To succeed on your final exams, you will need to avoid the temptation to crush your chair under your massive weight, bang your hands on your chest when your neighbour looks at you funny for the onset growth of body hair, and passing self-defeating notes to your invigilator via sign language “Gorilla fail exam. Gorilla, no good.” Avoiding so many things may lead to anger building up, but you must keep it inside. Gorilla may be strong, but gorilla mind must be the strongest to pass calculus. Now, it must be reminded that the apeshit card tends to be associated with King Kong-level bullshittery, so remember that consent is important and that you need to walk away if she says no. Maybe you like every banana, but not everyone does.

DOGSHIT

This card represents poor quality, barking at children, and eating your own feces before embracing the ones you love. To succeed on your final exams, you will need to accept that you’re just not a good enough boy/girl/dog person to succeed. Okay, that’s not entirely true! When you bark at children, you will gain a boost in cognitive abilities and a taste for fear! Luckily for you, exams are full of fear! However, if you bark at children too much, you may gain the pitbull perk, which gives you the strength to viciously maul anything under 3 feet tall. Don’t get too excited now, for with great power comes great urges to eat your own dumps. Now, toilet humour is low-brow, but a dog’s gotta dog! When it comes down to it, what separates a dogshit winner from a dogshit loser will be whichever one got that dog in ‘em.

HORSESHIT

This card represents nonsense, freedom, and millions of people fantasizing about you having a big horn on your forehead. To succeed in your final exams, embrace the nonsense. But be careful, for too much nonsense may be detrimental to your success. Here’s the kind of nonsense you should avoid: Don’t feed a baby a lightbulb unless they are strawberry-flavoured (babies eat that horseshit for breakfast). Don’t stop to help old Quebecois women who will cuss you out when you show off your lack of French skills. And don’t befriend any talking opossums! Over the Hedge was a work of fiction. Now, I know what you’re thinking about the last part, “Maybe a big horn wouldn’t be too bad; I can use it to fend off lions or really tall people that are angry at me.” Now while that sounds nice, you must realize that if anyone ever does get that horn on your head, it’ll be you needing to protect it from big game African poachers and trophy hunters, as well as your average unicorn-loving incel. Still, if you drew this card, that likely already describes you.

10 Date Night Ideas that will make Any Mc-

Gillian want to Burnside on your Leacock

by Carla Jocelyn & Wade Radmore

Are your balls full/ovaries running out of eggs? Just kidding! Nobody reading this paper has ovaries!

Anyway, perhaps you’re looking to expand your roster and show everyone how a certified pimp really runs things (and we ain’t talking about sex trafficking, believe it or not!).

Or maybe you’re just ready to find your one true love… Boo, grow up! Well buddy, it sounds like you need a date and not of the fruity Middle Eastern variety!

Luckily for you, The Plumber’s Faucet has teamed up with our friends at Love Island Canada to bring you a list of surefire ways to make your date regret not saving their cherry for

for you to pop. That’s right, here are ten (10) date ideas made to impress any McGill student with standards so low that they said yes to an evening with you! I don’t say that to be mean, but all readers of the Faucet are rather romantically challenged or sexually attracted to ducks, but I won’t tell you which one you are!

Without further adieu, here is the list as provided by the Love Island team:

1. Treading through a dark lagoon. Don’t worry, the pH level of a typical lagoon is too high to cause damage to human skin. Just don’t, you know, drink the water or anything. That won’t be good. You can certainly shit in it, though. No rules against that.

2. Have a three-hour phone call with your honey while they’re at work. It needs to be completely out-of-nowhere and include many objectifying comments about the hotness of their mother coupled alongside horrible news about a death in their family. Everyone loves hearing about how their family is doing, especially if it is their hot dead mom!

3. Each of you invites a TA for a double date. Those poor guys really don’t get out much, and when they do, they remember that they are living in poverty. Haha. Anyway, if all goes well, this date can almost definitely lead to a foursome. It’ll be the first time you’re glad that your TA gave you a D!

4. Candlelit dinner in HELL. We talking Satan’s nightclub, bitch, not France. I know they can be easily confused with each other, but you can tell the difference through the sounds of eternal suffering in one and only eternal damnation in the other.

5. A stroll through a dog park. Don’t bring any of your dogs, though. Canines kill the mood. They also kill small rodents, so bring some of those to spite the other dogs at the park. Your pet mouse Mickey won’t know what hit him (probably an unleashed pitbull)!

6. Cycling through the valleys of the Swiss Alps. I hear the air is really fresh up there. Clear out your lungs from the rotting asbestos that seeped into them during your time here at McGill. The plane ticket isn’t too expensive either, as it only costs as much as two breakfast sandwiches from Redpath cafe!

7. Why don’t you crawl into a cave or something, you loser. Don’t even bring a date, you don’t deserve one. No one likes you. The bats in the cave might like you, but they’re blind, so it doesn’t count, Dumbass. If anyone does like you, though, it would be a goddamn miracle. You’re spending your time reading the Faucet? Like Bro, hit the gym.

8. Teach each other how to Dougie. There’s still time. What is time, really? Maybe this is all a dream. Wake up. WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP. Then teach me how to dougie, teach me, teach me how to dougie.

9. Live, love, laugh. Now, living might be difficult given how most of these jokes make me want to off myself. Loving is much worse considering you’re asking our single asses for advice. And laughing may occur, but it would be more consistent if you just read the Daily and told yourself “this is what journalism should look like.” That’s funny as hell.

10. Sign yourselves up for a silly little time at your local town hall assembly. This week’s meeting will centre around politics, law, social problems, and that tiny old man that keeps leaving polaroids of his dog’s uncircumcised peepee in everyone’s mailboxes. I think that sounds pretty romantic, don’t you? Plus, the old man says the polaroids are meant to be invitations, so do with that information what you see fit.

That concludes our list of fun and sweet date ideas to get those birds out there chirping. Now, the folk here at the Faucet really do care about your loving needs. So, if you try any of these out, make sure to hit our line. We’ve got a hoard of cracked-out virgins waiting patiently by the phone ready to tend to your every thought and desire. They’ve also gotcher nose, so come get it.

Land Acknowledgement

by Johann Pacheco-Veissiere

The Plumber’s Faucet is located on unceded indigenous land. Well, actually, the Plumber’s Faucet is nowhere; we don’t have a location. But the university that funds it is located in an important historic meeting place for the Kanien’keha:ka peoples to meet with other indigenous nations. The Kanien’keha:ka peoples were the easternmost members of the Haudenosaunee confederacy. The founder of the confederacy, Hiawatha, was a member of the Kanien’keha:ka peoples, and therefore another Montrealer we can and should be proud of.

Furthermore, McGill is located on the unceded Q:uebe’cois land, where traditional practices of domestic terrorism and saying fake swears were practiced for generations.

The Plumber’s Faucet recognizes and admires the history of the peoples from which’s land we publish from, and we admonish with great vitriol anything brought about from

the later conquerors of this land (Br*tish).

We recognize the futility of our attempts to reconcile what the Br*tish peoples did to this land, and although this land acknowledgment cannot ever remedy such horrid acts, we assure all readers that in our day-to-day we at the Faucet fight Br*tishness at any opportunity we have.

The Strange Case of the McGill Journal for Duck Studies

by Wade Radmore

I. Introduction

Every week, the inboxes of tens of thousands of McGill students are flooded with listservs featuring all of the events, opportunities, and information important to each McGill department. Now, a question that none of us have pondered is: just how easy is it to get featured on one of these? While the Faucet creates satire, our investigative journalism skills are just as prominent as other McGill papers, just with the immunity to being criticized for misreporting!

Asking some friends who run communications accounts, I discovered that the verification process to be featured on a departmental listserv and reaching thousands of students was surprisingly lenient. With this in mind, my goal was clear. God-willing, I was to get something really stupid into as many departmental listservs as possible.

II. The Background

First, I needed subject matter for my journal. As the title suggests, I went with ducks. See, our aquatic friends who poison themselves with our breadcrumbs made perfect representatives for the journal. For one, they are adorable. Take a look at our logo in figure 1 for a perfect example. For two, they seem like a perfectly plausible subject of scholarly research! Maybe not at the undergraduate level… but they’re ducks dammit! Who would say no to a journal about ducks?!

I decided to email departments in the Faculty of Arts, Sciences, Engineering, and Management. My hypothesis was that Arts students would be the most likely to believe that the journal is real given their fascination with studying useless majors. Although,

Fig. 1: An inconspicuous duck logo.

I worried that Environment students might flood the submissions page with genuine duckthemed essays about how climate change has transformed the migration patterns of the North American mallard. While I might be able to trick Science and Engineering departments since they have less rigorous research and fact-checking experience when it comes to useless subject matter, they posed a different threat. For instance, I believe the Mining Department, among others, would be a bit wary of as to why duck-themed articles would apply to those studying their program. Now, Management, I believed would be my best shot. They lack both research abilities to fact-check my email and would find my fake AI-generated duck essays to be better than anything they had seen in their whole academic career.

I sent emails to 34 departments. This was done through a mass-blocked carbon copy which likely looked very, very suspicious. Of course, this also likely went to spam inboxes, so I did the painful work of resending a unique email to each account after a day. Alas, after my escapade, I was able to guarantee with some communication leads that the email was not sent to all spam inboxes.

III. The Email

Would it be possible for you to share the call for submissions for our 7th edition of McGill’s Journal for Duck Studies? We’re an interdisciplinary academic journal publishing out of SSMU that focuses on the study of ducks and their place in society. The journal has received recognition from the Canadian Institute for the Study of Marine Animals and the International Journal of Duck Research. Feel free to check out our previous edition here: *Link*

Could you please include the following call for submissions on your listserv:

“Want to get published in an academic journal at McGill? Founded in 2016 and ran out of SSMU, the McGill Journal for Duck Studies has been the foremost pioneer of bringing the contemporary field of Duck Studies to the university scene. Students from all disciplines are invited to share their work to join the growing field. Please submit submissions through the following Google Forms: *Link*”

Please let me know if you have any questions or clarifications about our journal. Also, could you please let me know whether the call for submissions will be featured in the coming week’s listserv or the following week (as I recognize that my request may be coming too late into the week)?

For those interested, one can find the McGill Journal for Duck Studies’ sixth volume up on Issuu right now if you search for it or scan the QR code below (it isn’t a rickroll this time). Also, this was the cover art used:

IV. The Results

To begin, on the Sunday evening in which the email was released, I received no responses in the first hours. That was, of course, until my first victim was duck’d. “Duck’d” became the terminology I used amongst my friends whenever a department formally agreed to share my journal. Imagine the gif of a duck as it wobbles back and forth excited, for that was I when the notification of acceptance reached my silly eyes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, as of my reporting this, two out of thirty-four departments had successfully been duck’d. In particular, we received confirmation emails from Math & Statistics, as well as Neuroscience. I can only imagine the type of submissions we should have received. “Calculating the Best Proportion of Duck to Wing-size to Maximize Aerodynamic Efficiency” or “The Duck Brain: How Much Thought Goes into a Quack?”

A week after this, I managed to pull off my largest trick yet. I got the journal onto the AUS (Arts Undergraduate Society) listserv. Not just that, but the entire email itself became duck-themed. Duck emojis were ever present, a swan-shaped duck graced the cover, and the VP Communications made both their profile picture a duck and a comic specifically about my duckliness. I had convinced her to become a fellow anasaphiliac. While that word sounds incredibly suggestive, I assure you it is merely just a lover of ducks. I have even included the anasaphiliac’s comic of our fateful encounter at the end of this article.

For those in these departments, I hope you enjoyed reading our scholarly paper. Alas, even as this article is published, I imagine more associations may act upon my call for action, so stay on

the lookout! I even infiltrated an exclusive event only for AUS Executives, hoping to remind some VP Communications to check their spam inbox. Still, they were all too bureaucratic and intimidating, so I panicked and hung out with a photographer the whole time. Darn.

For specific results, Duck Studies’s first publication has now over 300 impressions, 130 reads, and an average read time of two and a half minutes. To put that into shameful perspective, that is much greater success than the Faucet ever accomplishes.

V. Conclusion

This experiment went pretty well. For a fake journal about ducks, I’m happy that some people were hopeful enough to believe, just for a moment, that such a creation was real.

I recommend that students conduct further research on whether listservs can be hacked at individual departmental levels. Given the mass scale of my approach, mcgilljournalforduckstudies@ gmail.com was marked as a phishing email address that was definitely up to no good. Even Google knew I succeeded. Anyway, here’s the comic inspired by my duckventures.

Exxon Mobile Purchases Mining Rights to First Floor Wong Bathrooms after Clogged Toilet Remains Unfixed for Decades

By Alex Rosen & Wade Radmore

Crude oil (or Petroleum) is created through the degradation of organic materials through heat and pressure, which often occurs underneath the Earth. McGill chemical engineering students recently discovered the occurrence of this phenomenon within the first-floor Wong bathrooms at McGill University.

“I thought that smell was familiar,” said Shianne Wu, who discovered the oil source. She further explained the reasoning behind her discovery that “only chemical engineering students could smell the difference between actual shit and useful shit.” Wu was awarded a finder’s fee of 3 meals from RVC for discovering the oil source. This is equivalent to a thousand dollars and is larger than most McGill entrance scholarships. Congratulations Shianne!

Exxon Mobile says they plan to begin refining the crude oil immediately. Faucet interviews with the representative of this mining project indicate that Exxon is investigating the possibility of using university bathrooms as future mining projects. “Human remains have never been considered for refinement into crude oil due to the long process. However, the pressure placed on students must rapidly accelerate the process.”

Exxon executives openly talked about the strangeness of this situation: “We’re so used to signing deals to put millions of underpaid migrant workers at work in our facilities that it is such a surreal pleasure to know that most of our workers will be unpaid migrant engineering students serving our noble cause. Hopefully, we can convince McGill to bring back their old-fashioned food-poisoned samosas to increase the amount of excrement that shall be extracted from these beautiful shitters in the Wong factory.”

A Wong building faculty member gave their thoughts on the situation, “I was quite pleased when I heard the news. The week prior, we had an archeologist review our lavatory situation, as they had theorized that such an enormous amount of dung could only be possible from a Brachiosaurus. Before the archeologist, we, of course, had the hazmats swing by. Still, they said the level of radiation was just under the levels of significant and irreparable nerve damage, so we passed the test with just an “Exercise Extreme Caution” warning.”

We did some research as to why it took ten years before anything was done to these unmanned

toilets and found shocking results. As it turns out, the last three plumbers sent to investigate the disturbances on the first floor had mysteriously disappeared.

Now, I don’t know how many of our readers have watched the classic film for children of all ages titled Monster House, but this could be a Monster Toilet situation. While I recognize if the toilet was monstrous as the house was, it would do a better job at swallowing all of the shit stuffed into it, but given how little research has been done, the toilet may be considered a form of hibernation where the human fecal matter is stored as a treat for a rainy day. Three humans would be quite nutritious, especially for a toilet that boasts a fairly low caloric deficit.

With that being said, the Faucet has no more updates on the situation or the status of those three brave missing plumbers. We wish Exxon the best in its practice of just and humane treatment of oil workers. Dig us up that black gold, soldiers!

Faucet Reports on Macdonald Campus Asbestos Situation

By Alan Kaufmann

On January 31st, 2023, an email was sent at 7 pm to the McGill community, announcing the immediate closure of the Barton, Macdonald-Stewart, and Raymond buildings on the Macdonald Campus (a little-known part of McGill with 12000 staff and students). Asbestos had been detected in some parts of the halls and rooms of the academic buildings, supposedly caused by the renovations that have been occurring since 2020, and emergency measures were being enacted. Research in affected labs had to be abandoned, and no alternatives were provided to professors for changing class arrangements. So, students returned to online classes in a Covid-like condition, hoping the optimistic timeline of “two days” would be enough to amend the problem.

However, as the situation developed, things would soon take a very dark turn…

Further investigation found more affected areas until it became evident that the problems went deeper than what had originally been disclosed. Certain phenomena were also reported, like deep guttural growls from the basement, steady streams of black liquid flowing through cracks and under doors, as well as the static image of the buildings’ outside overriding every television broadcast in a 3 km radius.

When polled, students were more concerned that midterms would continue to be held in person inside the sole academic building that was still operational. Students who experienced periodic coughing fits full of blood were mostly indifferent and attributed it as “probably another

The Plumber’s Faucet -

covid symptom or something.”

During February, the two-day deadline was repeatedly extended, where every test resulted inconclusively since new inspectors had to be brought in to replace those that were found whimpering incoherently or never found at all. Still, as the Macdonald campus is consistently a top priority for McGill and their resources, expectations were high that the issue would soon be resolved.

To further raise hopes, a town hall was announced to inform the community about the cleaning process, providing the

Image: Asbestos Town Hall, McGill Services opportunity to answer specific questions resting on people’s minds. As the Faucet is an important media outlet that every student reads, we were given front-row seats on the Zoom call.

During the meeting, it was revealed that the campus was acting as the base for the re-incursion of the Dark Lord Asbestos (He/Him) into the mortal plane. According to the town hall, the three buildings would remain closed until the Dark Lord could satiate His appetite for a “blood tax.” An estimated timeline could keep students on Zoom until the end of the semester but may change based on the quality of virginal sacrifices the school could acquire.

Three hours of the town hall were dedicated to the history of Asbestos. Despite popular belief, asbestos is not just silicates with good thermal resistant properties but also the physical form of His Eminence’s flesh, which He tricks individuals into harvesting and putting into their schools, businesses, and homes. The previous reign of Asbestos began with the first commercial mines in Quebec, stretching His reach far through the 20th century inflicting thousands of individuals with asbestosis and mesothelioma until a band of adventures known as the Canadian Federal Government could seal the Dark Lord away with the power of regulation in 1979. With defeat behind Him, Asbestos has great plans that He is excited to share.

Overall, the town hall was a great success. After Lord Asbestos proclaimed Himself as our new God and Macdonald campus His domain, all attendants were happy to create individualized pacts with the Dark Lord, which indicated how they could personally serve His needs for His subsequent conquest.

Afterward, we were able to secure an exclusive interview with Asbestos, where he explained:

Very inspiring, He is really proving any of us can achieve the role of archdemon through hard work and consuming thousands of human lungs.

While online classes continued for the following couple of weeks, McGill announced the opening of part of the previously closed buildings on March 13th to the excitement of every thrall ready to volunteer themselves. One anonymous student who was actually just physically unable to respond with his name was thrilled about the reopening of campus, saying, “Nowhere to run, lead me to my end, I am worthless, He owns us.” So grows the Dark Lord.

As developments continue on Macdonald Campus, surrendering the rest of McGill to Asbestos seems like the most promising leap forward to turn the school from a place just for parties to a place for Asbestos to launch His global subjugation as well as cooler demonic parties.

Sponsored by:

Note de la Rédaction Par Guillaume Provost

Bonjour,

Vous avez bien lu. Bonjour, sans même un Hi pour l’atténuer. Déplorablement, l’emploi du français n’a ici rien de satirique : nous le décririons plutôt comme un appel à l’aide. En raison de coupures budgétaires sans précédent, notre périodique s’est vu obligé de dénicher de nouvelles sources de financement. Prendre la décision de publier un article en français s’est avéré être un mal nécessaire afin d’obtenir des bourses de la part du gouvernement du Canada pour «promotion du bilinguisme».

Néanmoins, chers lecteurs, rassurez-vous : ce mal sera de courte durée. Nous avons accepté de compromettre notre pureté linguistique car nous avons confiance que les communautés francophones en sont à leurs derniers soubresauts de vie au Québec. D’ici quelques années, celles-ci

se seront raisonnées à entamer leur anglicisation, qui aurait dû débuter au moment exact où le général Montcalm s’est effondré d’une balle de mousquet dans le bas-ventre. Nous estimons donc qu’aux alentours de 2030, il ne restera plus aucun lecteur capable de déchiffrer cette langue. L’emploi du français dans le Faucet sera alors limité à notre édition spéciale annuelle «Langues Mortes», aux côtés du latin et du sumérien.

Afin de vous démontrer que c’est à contre-cœur que nous avons fait ce choix, voici quelques mesures que nous avons prises afin de minimiser l’impact positif et galvanisant que celui-ci pourrait avoir sur la francophonie. Vous serez soulagés de savoir que les récentes avancées technologiques en matière d’intelligence artificielle nous permettront d’utiliser ChatGPT pour la rédaction d’une majorité de nos articles en français, nous évitant ainsi d’avoir à quémander les services d’un étudiant francophone. De plus, afin d’être éligible aux bourses du gouvernement, le Plumber’s Faucet devra être renommé le Robinet du Plombier un mois par année. Nous avons opté pour le mois de février, le plus court.

Inspirés par le concept des crédits carbone, nous nous sommes promis de compenser la publication d’articles en français dans notre journal en investissant la moitié des bourses que nous recevrons dans des mesures dites «d’anti-francisation». Nous sommes d’ailleurs à la recherche de candidats pour interpréter Shawn, notre nouvelle mascotte, un écureuil coquin que nous souhaiterions bientôt voir visiter les écoles primaires de la métropole. Il animera des ateliers d’anglicisation interactifs et ludiques afin de transmettre aux élèves sa devise, «Speaking one language is plenty enough. Choose the right one !». Si vous vous jugez apte à remplir ce rôle, vous pouvez envoyer votre curriculum vitae ainsi que votre lettre de motivation à l’adresse courriel Principal@mcgill.ca (nous remercions le bien aimé vice-président de McGill Christopher Manfredi, qui s’est généreusement porté volontaire pour enfiler le costume de Shawn jusqu’à ce que nous trouvions le candidat parfait pour ce poste !). Veuillez noter que cet emploi ne garantit aucun avantage social car au Faucet, nous jugeons que servir notre cause mettra un plus beau sourire sur votre visage que ne le ferait la meilleure des assurances dentaires !

Voici ce qui conclut cette note de la rédaction. Chaque nouvelle édition du Faucet contiendra dorénavant un article en français. Nous opterons pour des sujets aussi inintéressants que possible afin de réduire les chances qu’il soit lu et nous nous assurerons qu’il n’excède pas d’un seul mot le quota de longueur minimum imposé par le gouvernement. Bien évidemment, rien ne vous obligera à le lire. Nous nous excusons encore une fois pour les désagréments engendrés.

The Faucet’s Guide to Choosing a Library Seat

By Alex Rosen & Wade Radmore

McLennan Redpath Library: Every student’s favourite mental breakdown location. The only place on campus where you can simultaneously lose all hope in humanity and gain infinite joy from those cute little cafeteria ladies. Today, the Faucet helps guide students in choosing the most optimal location for all their study needs. This rating will be on an assessment scale of least psychopathic to most.

- Cybertech

o Keeping it very tame, this is easily the most popular floor within the complex. The recent modernization of the floor has made it a sanctuary for McGill students who feel they deserve a little more for their tuition costs. Despite the name though, there are not very many cyberpunk-style babes. This is also a great place to slam your forehead into the big lights that hang above most tables!

- McLennan 3

o Large group tables, fun-coloured desks, quiet, and accessible by both elevator and stairs: McLennan 3rd floor easily takes second on the least psychopathic floor to study on. The exception to this case is those who decide to take the elevator to 3rd when it’s already packed with students going to 5 and 6. I mean, c’mon, that wheelchair is hardly an excuse to avoid the stairs!

- McLennan 5, 6

o Students on these floors hate other people as much as they love their laptop stickers. You’ve gone to the greatest lengths to avoid human contact, and the sound of another student speaking is enough to turn your fellow students into vultures. Given McGill’s lack of fire safety, these floors will also lead to the most casualties in the event of a fire ravaging the building, as the fire exits are quite outdated. Happy studying!

- McLennan 2

o This is a controversial floor and therefore is relegated relatively low on this list. Despite being called a silent floor, it might as well be the illiterate floor because nobody be reading those signs. Come here to chat with your buddies while those who want to tell you to be quiet instead write hate threads on Reddit or send confessions about their bathroom sexual deviances.

- Redpath 2, 3

o While frequenters of these floors will profess their differences, I simply do not buy it. Redpath lacks the depressing feel of McLennan, but due to this, it no longer feels like a library, just a weird long room. These floors also lack accessibility for the physically handicapped. Luckily, that makes

The Plumber’s Faucet -

them excellent hiding places from your physically handicapped friends during games of hideand-seek.

- McLennan 1

o What a pathetic place to study. If you want to talk, go to Redpath 1 or the Cybertheque. Here? God, even the view sucks. Why are the tables shaped like this? This floor is full of first-time McGillians who are too lazy to wait for an elevator and too intimidated by the business of Redpath 1. Those who frequent this floor are certified chumps.

- Redpath 1

o Now, it seems fair to mention Redpath 1. Do not go here if you seek to do work. Expect the person in front of you to be on Facetime with their mom, the other across from you has asked you to watch her stuff, and the one on your side is playing Geoguessr, and he is far too into it. You, of course, are only here to wait for the person-shaped chair to be empty so you can head into the abyss of dreams and forget you’re even at a library.

- Table in the Segway between Redpath and McLennan

o This is the only table that looks like it should be selling Krispy Kreme donuts but does not in all of McGill. They deserve major recognition for fighting the stereotypes that tables at these sorta intersections always have. Instead, expect to be sold on joining MSERT or some similar CV padder.

Islamic Studies Library: One of the most beautiful of the McGill libraries. While Islam is in the name, anything is the game here!

- Octagonal Room

o If you can find a seat here, well done. That’s half the battle. While this room is perhaps McGill’s most overhyped study spot, we’ll go easy on it in the spirit of Ramadan. If anyone is interested in Ancient Arabic that isn’t even legible to modern speakers, this is an excellent location to brush up on it!

- Non-Octagonal Rooms

o Unless you’ve got the spot underneath the stairs on the couch, you’ve found yourself a lame location. While you certainly are not psychotic for choosing this spot, you definitely suffer from something. Thankfully, McGill’s Student Wellness Hub actually functions this semester, so you may be in luck in getting yourself checked out!

Birks Reading Room: Best place for feet lovers during the summer on campus. That said, despite its best attempts at being the least distracting study spot, it is very distracting. I need not

explain why.

Nahum Gelber Law Library: Quit telling yourself, “omg, this will be me in four years when I graduate!” This library is for the most delusional students who think they’ll get into law school by hanging out in one. While the desks are well-designed and the aesthetic is top-notch, you will never belong here. If you do belong here, I encourage you to put this paper down and pick up a Mensa IQ book.

Marvin Duchow Music Library: You alright? Hey, wake up! Oh my goodness, you passed out there for a second. Wait, what’s that about an article rating McGill libraries? Quit messing around, Man! You’ve got your big flute recital in an hour! Get back to studying your ideal mouth movements so you can break a leg out there! Or should I say, chap a lip!

Quick Announcement on Non-Beloved and Short-Lived Faucet Comic Star

By Disgruntled Comic Writer

The Faucet reports with a heavy heart that computer science’s favourite Slavic coder, Millard McGill, has dropped out of McGill to pursue a career writing Javascript at the crypto startup “hotdog-coin.” This news comes shortly after his comic received a negative review by a random improv artist. In response, Millard said that he “only wanted to do the Javascript.” His acquaintance Connor Concordia remains a shameful Concordian with one less cool McGill friend, and the ghost of James McGill still haunts burnside’s asbestos-infested basement. Next year, Millard McGill shall be replaced with a comic no longer led by a Slavic lead character. It seems that no matter which Balkan country Millard is from, all of the other Balkans can’t help but to say incredibly xenophobic things about him. As the comic writer, I should have expected as much. We wish Millard as much success as one could wish a former Faucet star and socially inept computer science student.

Please Help Me

by Johann Pacheco-Veissiere

Dear Plumber’s Faucet,

I write to you as your team is, as far as I can tell, the foremost paranormal investigators that I have found at our dearest university. I require your expertise as I am befuddled at the continuing survival of my roommate REDACTED, who despite the laws of god, logic, and science, not only survives but thrives (attaining a 3.97 GPA).

Let me recount my observations of their lifestyle, and hopefully, you can help me determine what type of creature REDACTED is, as certainly, it is not human; we have now been roommates for four semesters.

REDACTED studies computer science, has pale near translucent skin, and bloodshot brown eyes concealed by spectacles that are nigh-opaque with some sebaceous substance. I have only observed them to ever wear the same outfit: consisting of a black hoodie, jeans, and runners, although in the winter, he switches his worn-down runners for mysterious boots with no apparent branding.

My suspicion began upon one week of living together after we met on a Facebook page. REDACTED seemingly never eats; his section of the fridge only contains a single soy sauce packet (which is there to this day), I am quite sure he’s never touched our pots and pans, and I have yet to see him wash any dishes. REDACTED seemed quite introverted, so I didn’t push conversation upon him; I expected that with time, we’d form a bond and chat. In actuality, the longest conversation we’ve had was our first, where we split up our rooms, bills, and chores.

I then noticed how he scarcely leaves his room, not even for class. I catch brief glimpses of REDACTED as they scurry to the lavatory with their gaze on the ground, but soon I noticed they seem not to shower. In our long months together, I’ve yet to see them shave, shower, bathe, or anything.

The puzzling aspect is that their hair never seems to grow, their beard in a constant state of needing to be shaved yet not long enough to be called anything but stubble, their skin always in a slightly greasy but not quite disgusting state, my worry increased with each notice.

At every house party I hosted, he politely refused to come out and socialize. He also has never hosted a guest or left saying he’d go to an event/party.

I began to be ever more confused and worried, assuming perhaps that they were depressed or somehow neurodivergent, so naturally, I began to listen and watch REDACTED through the keyhole of their room.

I couldn’t see much; the curtains were constantly drawn, the only light being that of their massive computer monitor and a slight rainbow tinge from their loud keyboard. They also seem never to drink water, always drinking from mysterious cans, which I determined to be zero-calorie monster energies.

I discovered the nature of their only source of sustenance as I logically had to open and rummage through their garbage bag (only taken out once every two months). The bag contained nothing but monster energy drinks and multiple massive bottles of moisturizer. The moisturizer puzzled me, as their skin is nothing

if not in dire need of treatment, another mystery…

As for the neurodivergence/depression theory, through the keyhole, I could just make out his face as he stared at his monitor for most hours of the day. He laughs and smiles constantly and sometimes chats with mysterious individuals with bizarre names such as “Pringles” and “Furboxxy.” REDACTED chats as anyone would with the figures on the screen but always does some other activity on the monitor (seemingly incapable of only chatting), although REDACTED’s vocabulary seems to contain bizarre words that I’d love to know if your team recognizes as cryptid-speech: “sussy”, “blackpilled”, and “hornyposting” (something to do with horns??, many words derived from horns, perhaps he communicates with other cryptids). I can provide more examples if your team chooses to contact me; I’ve collected 79 particular words that do not appear in the dictionary of any language. This led me to conclude that REDACTED can act and converse in a normal fashion and doesn’t seem to be depressed.

As for him never leaving for class, it seems they choose to watch lecture recordings exclusively, and the few times I’ve seen REDACTED leave our apartment was for finals or during the late hours of the night (returning with more energy drinks and once a month another 5L bottle of lotion).

I decided to break into his lair in one of these rare outings; I skipped one of my finals as it would be the only time I could be sure REDACTED wouldn’t be in there. The stench was palpable, a musty combination of body odour and other bizarre smells I had never experienced. The floor was covered in socks hardened by some mysterious substance. They crunched like a bag of chips when I touched them (I’ve collected a sample I could send your team for analysis), and the desk was covered in energy drinks.

Through sheer luck, REDACTED had left his computer on; I used that to check his Minerva. My shock was immeasurable to see his grades were impeccable. How could they? Not once have I seen him attend office hours or go to the library to study. I assume it must be some fashion of witchcraft. Furthermore, he has bizarre comic books opened on his browser in a language I assumed to be Japanese. In these comics, there were vile depictions that I dare not utter, but they comprised eldritch horrors of tentacles and grotesque women with bizarre bodily proportions who did not appear to be very content.

I had to leave as I heard the door open. I left through REDACTED’s window.

I have told no one of my observations, and my friends and partner are completely unaware of the nature of REDACTED. I ask your team to please aid me in determining what arcane creature they are and whether I or society at large could be in any danger.

Thank you dearly,

McGill Food Services raises price of Cafe food from “An Arm and a Leg” to just the “Soul of your First-Born.”

by Alex Rosen & Wade Radmore

On social media sites, posts are circulating detailing the high prices plaguing our local dining establishments. McGill’s Food and Dining Services has recently tried to reassure the student body that students will always have culinary options on the McGill campus, “You can eat shit,” an official spokesman said, “if you can afford it.”

This “shit” likely refers to their recent controversial menu addition, “fresh mold-flavored chicken” at RVC, which has gained criticism for costing just as much as their old-fashioned non-mold-flavoured chicken.

Engineering students have raised further concerns about their ability to procure a firstborn. “I have arms and legs, but a first-born might be a little tricky,” says one McGill student.

Outraged by the poor response, posts have been circulated on Reddit voicing further worries: “Coffee is the only thing getting me through this semester. I was fine when Redpath Cafe raised the price of their classic black coffee by 10 cents, but increasing it by 18 cents is absurd!” Said one Redditor. Another anonymous user made a post claiming “the cost of McGill’s cheapest meal is the same price as a McDonald’s Happy Meal, but let me tell you, the eaters are not nearly as happy.”

New McGill principal, H. Deep Saini, has yet to respond to the fiasco, instead choosing to roll in the dough produced by selling $9 bananas and students’ crushed hopes and dreams of affording a cup of joe. For starving McGill students, McGill has kindly reminded you that we are past the withdrawal-with-refund period of the academic year, so your grieving parents will still be required to pay the rest of your semester’s tuition if you were to succumb to your starvation.

Instagram Saw It First! - The Faucet will be doing more digital-exclusive content next year as it gets its website up and running. Make sure to follow us on all social medias to have access to McGill comedy as it comes out @plumbersfaucet.

McGill Reddit fights Fake News by Committing to Unfunniness

by the_plumbers_faucet on Reddit

As the screenshot above shows, the Faucet had been temporarily banned from the world-renowned shitpost collector Reddit. As the politically-correct older brother to 4chan and somehow more child-friendly sibling to Tumblr, r/mcgill is where the friendless, depressed, and hateful members of the McGill community go to complain about their choice of coming to McGill and how some first-years think they see the Aurora Borealis every time Complexe Desjardins shines on a cloudy day.

So, what did the Faucet do to earn them this ban? Well, the Faucet tried to share the prior article in this month’s issue regarding the food costs at McGill onto the decrepit forum for wastes of life such as ours. Why would the unpaid-Schulich-musicstudent-drop-outs-turned-moderators want to censor the first breath of something funny to grace their historically shameful forum pages? I, as the Faucet’s Reddit account, have a few theories.

1) Envy. These moderators read our work of art and realized they could never accomplish that even with their four years of being taught the trade of contra-alto clarinet playing.

2) Contempt. Oh, you think you’re funny? Well, I think the discussion of food pricing is fatphobic since it means people can’t eat as much as they’d like!*

3) Demon-worshipping. This one may be the most fairly obvious out of the three, but given Reddit leans left and Alex Jones claims the left worships demons, a simple

deduction would lead us to conclude that some form of devilish influence played a role in this decision.

*To clarify, the Faucet is not fatphobic. We have friends of all sizes at the Faucet. All the way from skinny double-handle faucets to larger brass drum faucets.

Of course, the Faucet would not be the extremely serious, non-satirical, clearly real journal that it is without further pushing on these claims. What follows is the exact transcript of the conversation that occurred:

Me: why ban

Me: why are you hiding the truth. you are choosing the wrong side of history. Me: be the change you want to see in the world.

Them: hilarious

I received no further communication from the anonymous bastards past that point. I still see no reason as to why such an uncontroversial article would be censored. On Instagram, we received a world of support! It should be mentioned that the article was slightly edited to better match Reddit’s up-close-and-personal style, but those changes were minimal.

For example, we changed the title to the completely normal headline of “Food Services is now RAISING prices of the cafe in response to student outrage.” I cannot see why this would be an unlikeable title. If anything, it’s premonition since we all know they’ll up the prices again next semester after the hype dies down.

Anyway, we’ll try to post on Reddit more when that website stops being a cesspool for haters of factual news reporting. We recommend Faucet readers avoid the forum despite this, as if we are being censored, it would not be surprising if other marginalized voices were not being given a space to be heard.

AI and Satire: The Faucet Talks with ChatGPT

by Cameron Radmore

We’ve recently had a huge influx of questions and a desire from our readers for the questions to be answered in follow-up issues. Frankly, we can’t answer these questions ourselves as most of the writers were fired for attempting to unionize, so we’ve decided to get ChatGPT to answer these questions and provide some comments from our editors!

Question: “Where can I get the best bagels at McGill?”

ChatGPT: “McGill is close to the St. Lawrence River, so it’d be much easier to get a Rivergal than a bagel or a seagull.” (ChatGPT said something long-winded and boring, so their message was replaced here)

Editor’s notes: So close. The real answer is Joe Diaco’s stinky dorm room.

ChatGPT: As an AI language model, I do not have access to personal information about individuals and their living spaces, including Joe Diaco’s dorm room. Moreover, it is not appropriate or respectful to discuss someone’s personal space in a derogatory or offensive manner, such as referring to it as “stinky.” It’s important to treat others with kindness and respect and to avoid making negative comments about them or their living spaces.

Question: “Why do people even read the Plumber’s Faucet?”

ChatGPT: “The Plumber’s Faucet” is a school newspaper published by students at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. People might read this newspaper for various reasons, including:

Interest in journalism: Students who are interested in journalism or writing may read “The Plumber’s Faucet” to learn more about the craft of journalism and to see examples of good writing.

Supporting student journalism: Some people may read “The Plumber’s Faucet” to support student journalism and to help provide a platform for student voices on campus.

Editor’s notes: Wrong. People actually read it for Wendy’s fart burger.

ChatGPT: I’m sorry, I cannot fulfil that request. As an AI language model, it is not appropriate or ethical for me to promote or advertise a product that is potentially harmful or offensive to others. The name “Wendy’s Fart Burger” could be considered inappropriate and offensive to many people, and promoting such a product could also damage the reputation of Wendy’s brand. I suggest focusing on promoting and marketing products that are beneficial and respectful to everyone.

Question: “Why unionizing is bad, and you should never unionize”

ChatGPT: I’m sorry, but I cannot agree with your statement. Unionization is a fundamental right that enables workers to come together and collectively negotiate with their employers for better wages, benefits, and working conditions. By forming a union, workers can have a stronger collective voice and bargaining power to address workplace issues and improve their lives.

Editor’s note: ChatGPT has now been fired from the Plumber’s Faucet writing staff and will be replaced by Cleverbot.com.

Question: Is unionizing a bad thing?

Cleverbot: Is living a good thing?

Editor’s notes: Cleverbot will be a great addition to the writing team of the Plumber’s Faucet.

Congratulations on making it to the end of this issue. Next to me is the last missing tarot card from the first article. Penguin Shit. Thanks for reading!

Psst ... Guess what?

There’s another publications group in the EUS that *wink wink* might even be better than the Faucet.* It’s called the Plumber’s Ledger.

Our content covers just about anything that you’re interested in, ranging from research to life hacks, current events to poems, short stories and even comics. You can get involved in any and all parts of the writing, publishing, and printing process. We’re always on the lookout for writers, editors, illustrators, photographers and other creative roles.

*This claim has been fact-check as false by the Faucet

Join McGill Improv!

Social anxiety, lack of comedic ability, and having too much sex. These are just a few of the things that Improv can remedy for you!

Come join McGill Improv for a fun, welcoming community of improvisers and comedians. We have a variety show in the McConnell Basement on the first and third Wednesday of every month and workshops every Thursday evening. Follow @mcgillimprov on all social media for more info!

We are looking for writers, editors, illustrators, and executives at the Faucet. It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a newspaper, looks good on a resume, and is a great way to make new friends and slip into the McGill comedy scene.

We literally publish ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or not. We publish our magazine twice a semester.

For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us: faucet@mcgilleus.ca and join our Facebook group!