SPECIAL FEATURE
TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains information and photos about drug use, violence and suicide which may be triggering to survivors.
When Angel Smiles ARTICLE ANGELA BRITZ \\ EDITED BY VICKI ENGLUND
I
t took me a while to remember all that had gone before. At first all I knew was that I was lying in bed. My mouth was dry, my body covered in sweat, but as I slowly released my eyes from sleep, I could see a sign next to my bed with the words: ‘She believed she could and so she did’. For a moment I didn’t understand what this meant, then the penny dropped. I was clean. It was New Year’s Eve 2018, a time when the world goes out to celebrate – to remember all the good things of the year past, and to look forward to a brighter future. There was nothing in the past year that I wanted to celebrate, but plenty I was determined to remember, even if so much was a blur brought on by my countless, lonesome binges on drugs. 6
\\ OCTOBER 2021 \\ Rebirth Vade Mecum Magazine
There was anger, violence, abusive relationships that I couldn’t shake free, selfloathing and depression, culminating quite recently in an attempted suicide. So, 2018 and the couple of years before that were not things I really wanted to remember… In that three-year period I had attempted suicide three times. The first involved using an extra-long, heavy-duty, bright yellow extension cord to hang myself in my ensuite. I’d decided that instead of a suicide note, I would leave my favourite items on my bed to express who I wanted to be remembered as. I put on my favourite silver diamanté shoes and a beautiful white dress. I wanted to go out in style. I stabbed a dartboard dart into my heart space to show the heartache I was going through. I was one step closer to ending the pain and one step www.spiritualeventsdirectory.com
