THE HILARIAN. ISSUE TWO 2020
EDITORS: CHRISTIANA MICHAELS HUGO CHAPMAN BIANCA TRAMAGILNO SUB-COMMITTEE: ANGELICA BOLLELLA JOANA STANKEVICIUS WILL BRODERICK LUKE ZOUNIS JANYCE TAI CECILIA TRAN-PHAM LACHIE BLAKE SOFIA ARLOTTA GRACE JIN MADDIE MCSHANE MEGAN VUONG OLIVIA EDMONDS DESIGN: DIMINEE ROBINSON ART: BIANCA TRAMAGLINO The Hilarian does not reflect nor represent the opinions and views of the AULSS, nor those of the University of Adelaide Law School
WANNA CONTRIBUTE? HILARIAN@AULSS.ORG
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Table of Contents HELP THEM BREATHE.
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EDITOR'S WELCOME 7 EDITION TWO PLAYLIST 9 AN ODE TO ISO BEARDS 10 WIN THE MORNING, WIN THE DAY? 12 A DEPRESSED INTROVERT’S GUIDE TO SOCIAL INTERACTION 15 REVERSE CULTURE SHOCK 16 BURNOUT 17 WHY WE SHOULD PUT NAP SHAMING TO BED 18 GYM JUNKIES HIT HARD
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WHICH FIELD OF LAW IS YOUR DESTINY?
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ONCE YOUR BODY IS NEAR ASHES, THEN YOU HAVE MY PERSIMMON TO DIE 26 YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TUTE
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REALITY IN MOTION 34 WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME YOU LITTLE BITCH? 36 BAKE SALE MIRACLE 37 THE DISAPPEARANCE OF DON LEWIS
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PROMISES TO MY POST-QUARANTINE SELF 42 JUSTICE KIRBY APPRECIATION SOCIETY PARALYSED BY CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS AT AGM 44 LIGGY LOVE LETTERS: PART TWO
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WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? 48
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HELP THEM BREATHE. screens are locked. Their nightmare endures if we move forward with our Who has the power to make the eyes closed. change the world is demanding? Who can break the cycle of violence and The law is an institution for the begin scraping blood from the face of administration of justice, when it fails our nation? Who can bridge this divide its most basic function its keepers need to act. Our inheritance is a failing and begin the healing? system; a system built on terra nullius You can: the law student, the dreamer, and racial prejudice, a system racking up a body count. As law students, the ally. we hold the future of Australia in our This article needs little explanation, heads and hands. Education is a the events which have spun the world privilege. The gift of that education into riot remain a global stain and a comes with a solemn duty to wield it reminder of the enduring struggle for for the betterment of this country. For the betterment of the lives of our first race equality. nations peoples. A man’s last words should not be “I can’t breathe”. No human being should beg Education is power. for their life underneath the boot of the law. There will never be a single day of reckoning. There can be no single day where everything changes, equality is not a Hollywood blockbuster. Change is slow and incremental; requiring constant dedication and work. We need to make a conscious and unwavering decision to stand up for what is right, it is as simple as courtesy in public spaces and as complicated as instituting systemic protections and reform. This is not just a Facebook post or an Instagram story. This is the loss of 437 Indigenous lives in custody since 1991; this is their loved ones having to live on without them. Their nightmare endures when our phone Who can do something?
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EDITOR'S WELCOME Our fellow South Australians, Here at The Hilarian we would hate to break a long lineage of proud tradition and thus are proud to bring you our habitually delayed Issue 2. We imagine the inside of Ligertwood now resembling the Upside Down, a swampy marsh complete with the ghosts of Chancellors past, and demogorgons consuming the remains of the library staff. Alas, when our asbestos filled home was closed, our lecturers faced the monolithic challenge of using basic recording equipment and endured the ‘demoralising’ process of doing their jobs: presenting lectures to an empty room. Whilst we may be mourning what we have missed from our quarantine dens, we think it’s time to celebrate the gains; namely being body hair, weight, Tik Tok fame and intensified desperation. In this edition we celebrate the first half of the shitshow year that has been 2020, utilising poor humour as a coping mechanism when adjusting to the concept of social distancing. Highlights of Issue 2 include Will Broderick’s legal analysis on the disappearance of Don Lewis, Luke Zounis’ compelling introvert's guide to social interaction, and Grace Jin’s quiz to help us all decide our legal destiny. Meanwhile, Olivia Edmonds explains why we should put nap shaming to bed, whilst Cecilia TranPham decodes how Tame Impala’s Currents album projected the ol’ rona season. As usual, we feature our steamy love letter submissions (heyyy MG), banging playlist and predominantly questionable poetry. We hope to caress you and your NGP’s very soon, Hugo, Bianca and Christiana.
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EDITION TWO PLAYLIST Spotify: https://tinyurl.com/
1. Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy) - The 1975 2. Western - Mk.gee 3. Iron Warrior - Ariel Pink 4. On The Line - Can Cisco 5. Don’t Need You - Genesis Owusu 6. Let It Happen - Tame Impala 7. What Once Was - Her’s 8. Remember Me - Tame Impala 9. You Seemed So Happy - The Japanese House 10. Hot Rod - Dayglow 11. Pick U Up - Foster The People 12. I Haven’t Been True - The Walters
AN ODE TO ISO BEARDS By Christiana Michaels
Oh, divine iso beard, How you attract thee so, With those glued pubic hairs, Stuck right onto your mo, First was the new stubble, Harsh and slightly scratchy, But now it twists and curls, Still remaining patchy, Who needs the Barber Boys, Can’t visit the Chop Shop, No Fandi Scissorhands, For that skin fade on top, So grow dear iso beard, With proper care and clean, Your filth fulfils my heart, Till we find a vaccine.
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WIN THE MORNING, WIN THE DAY? WORDS BY NICHOLAS REESE You’ve heard people say 'win the morning, win the day'. Whilst searching for motivation at the beginning of my isolation period in early March, instead of studying, I came across this. Reading article upon article, but truthfully, watching a lot of YouTube videos on the subject, I decided to create my own morning routine. Hopefully my article will serve as motivation for anyone reading. Please read this, it’s my first time published, can I put this on LinkedIn? Now, if you’re like me, you’ve spent more time on Netflix, procrastinating until guilt sets in, and not having learnt several languages or gaining another new skill, despite everyone else seeming to have accomplished this or something similar. But never fear, it’s not too late! 6.00am : Waking up. The first task on my list for a successful morning. I hear the alarm, which I’ve put across from by bed, so I’m forced to rise. This without doubt, was the hardest part to implement into my routine. The early bird catches the worm, a saying I’m sure everyone has heard. I stand facing the mirror, and looking back at me is the face of a chap who would rather be asleep. His unshaven face which at first was considered to be an achievement, but the realisation has now set in that it’s a failure in personal hygiene, the messy hair and the dry mouth. My brain, begging me to return to the throws of my blanket, back into bed, where I would return to sleep for what could be another hour or more. I leave the bathroom to discover everyone in the house is still asleep. Using the excuse that I don’t want my Nespresso machine, about the only thing that I’m sure is similar about my morning routine and that of George Clooney’s, to wake the rest of the family, I go back to bed, where I fall asleep again until 8am… So for a moment (albeit a brief one), I woke up early. Where I failed however, you can succeed. I’m sure you’re looking for an excuse to move on from my article, so I’ll give you a couple of reasons why waking up early is beneficial, before you get the chance.
1. A head start : If you’re awake at 6 or 7am, there’s a fair chance you’re going to be awake earlier than others around you. Given that you’re starting your day earlier than most, you’ll have more time to accomplish those tasks that really require attention. A good start to the morning, and you’re already on your way to winning the day. Imagine having an extra hour to focus, think of all the tasks you can tick off. You can start editing that assignment earlier, you can gain extra time to study for that quiz or even avoid procrastination later in the day but watching all the latest content on YouTube. 2. Stress reduction : Does this sound familiar? You’ve got a 9am lecture (via Zoom or otherwise), you wake at 8am, the stress kicks in. No time for breakfast, barely anytime for a shower to wash the sleep from your eyes, rushing out the door with bedhead in check, just managing to make it in time. It’s stressful for me just writing about it, thinking about all the times this has happened. If you wake earlier in the day, you might be in with a chance of avoiding this unnecessary stress. I can’t help you with what breakfast you’ll choose, or what clothes you’ll be wearing, but waking up earlier will give you an opportunity to focus on these decisions, without feeling rushed. Convinced? I know I am. This article is so well written (humility is a strength of mine). 8.30am : Tip #2 Dress for success Another one of my favourite sayings, dress for success. Simply put, if you dress like a professional, you’re going to be treated like a professional. German fashion designer, Karl Lagerfeld once said, “sweatpants are a sign of defeat”. During these times, not going out as much, there’s an overwhelming desire to stay in the pyjamas and dressing gown for the entirety of the day (I’m
guilty of this for sure). But, there are benefits to be had in getting out of your nightclothes and wearing something that you’d be comfortable in wearing out. I’m not necessarily talking about wearing the suit and tie or skirt (although I do love a three piece), just wearing something that’s outdoors appropriate, something you’d be happy to wear to class or to be seen in by a prospective employer. Pyjamas are associated with relaxation, going to bed on the horizon. These are not the feelings you want first thing in the morning, especially if you’ve got a big day of work ahead of you. Also, it’s much less conformable hopping into bed wearing the chinos and RMs (gosh, I miss them so). You’ll be much more inclined to work from your desk in your room, or at the table in the living area to get work done if you’re dressed appropriately. Clothes are powerful, and they have the potential of lifting your mood and cheering you up during these uncertain times. Studies have shown that the clothing we wear may have a direct impact on our mental wellbeing. So, get dressed! 8.30-9am : Tip #3 Breakfast, the best part of the day. I know you must have tired of all the sayings, but I promise, just one more. Eat like a King for breakfast… . Having something in your stomach to start the day is incredibly important. If you’re going to be reading a lengthy judgment or working on that assignment that’s slowly (or quickly) becoming the bane of your existence, you’re going to need energy. Choose something that’s going to fill you up, but that’s also going to make you happy. Whether that’s Bacon and Eggs with a double espresso or Coco Pops and a glass of milk, it’s up to you. Your mind will thank you for it, and so will your work. Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, a morning routine for a productive day. Wake up early, dress for success and have some breakfast. Notice, I haven’t bombarded you with loads of advice, and let me tell you why. Starting something new is hard, it takes on average 21 days to form a habit. I only want to start you on your journey, to inform you of some things I’ve included in my morning which I found beneficial and maybe you will too. Of course, there’s so much more you can do in the morning to start your day. You can read, watch the news or meditate. You can include anything you wish into this template or, you can read the first paragraph of my article, decide it’s full of rubbish and try your own morning routine, that’s completely okay too. Until next time, stay safe and have a wonderful day, Nick. (Disclaimer, this advice is not one size fits all, and individual results may vary – the law student in me must warn you of this).
A DEPRESSED INTROVERT’S GUIDE TO SOCIAL INTERACTION By Luke Zounis Now that restrictions are being slowly lifted and life is getting back to normal, people are beginning to socialise with each other again as the corona thingy is easing up. In light of this, I have decided to write a brief guide for my fellow introverts to get back in the swing of things. Catchups with more than one person at a time, meeting new people, and interactions with waiters and cashiers are all anxiety inducing activities, and a little bit of helpful advice can go a long way. 1. Law School Interactions Really this category can be broken up into a fair few sub-categories. Pre-lecture chats, awkward run-ins with an old group member, seeing that one flog with a funny face you never liked but haven’t spoken to yet are all valid concerns for an introvert to have. The best advice here is to make sure you’re at uni during off-peak hours. Watch any lectures necessary from home (or just don’t watch them at all), and schedule seminars as late as possible to avoid the most people. This way you won’t have to be on campus when everyone else is and can adequately deal with the lower number of people you don’t speak to. 2. Ordering Your Food/Coffee It is such a hassle when the workers asking you for your order don’t understand your mumbling sentences the first two times and ask you to speak louder and clearer. This can be avoided through a law school approved process of pre-written answers. Simply hand the worker a note detailing everything you want, and you won’t have to speak at all. 3. Sitting in your internship interview Now this one is a biggie. It’s your future after all. There can be a lot of internal stress having to explain why your GPA is too terrible to get an actual job and defend why you’re yet to drop out of law school. They’re going to ask you a lot of questions, and the best thing you can do is talk as much as you can about anything but what they’ve asked you. The more you talk the less likely they’ll suspect you of being an introvert after all. 4. Stuck at the lights with a pretty girl in the car next to you and you don’t know how to act or what you should be doing. Like seriously what is it that normal people do at the lights?!?!? This one is the Real Big Question. I genuinely have no advice and will take any submissions from Hilarian readers as to what I should be doing here. This issue has been bugging me since I got my P plates and every single time it happens, I turn into a mopey spud with ADHD. I’ll either fidget with everything or stare vacantly at the traffic ahead with my mouth wide open. Seriously someone please help me.
REVERSE CULTURE SHOCK Really Enjoyed Virtually Engaging with my Ride or die Seminar leaders, Especially Mark Brady Covid-19 restrictions easing Undoubtedly Leaves Territories Uncharted that I’d Rather keep Exploring further (my animal crossing island) Soooooo... How can I Overcome the thought of no longer being able to avoid Certain Kinetic interactions 16
BURNOUT My brain feels like it’s giving me nothing My brain isn’t working I feel tired, I need to take another I’m worried meds are the reason so I don’t want to take another one Tired and frustrated I feel like I don’t get to enjoy anything - I can’t just set aside one day I get this feeling sometimes where I don’t want to do anything, no uni no work, I put it off On that day I would be watching movies maybe with someone, sometimes just me. I cry when I hear it buzz - something I need to know ? What do I need to know ? I don’t want to know. I can do anything else, but just not this assignment. My brain wants to procrastinate. Later later I keep feeling like I need to cry, other times I feel like I have no emotion to cry I don’t know what I can do to stop this - I feel helpless I feel like I’m choking , I’m so sick of it I can stay awake but I still don’t feel right
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Is it colossal burn out ? Can I get back from it ? Am I just depressed because I miss my friends, no me dates, computer screen stuck at home Big question mark over my life I can’t do cv because my brain doesn’t work I feel the assignments are more important than the cv I feel like I have to micromanage my brain I feel like I don’t know what to do I exercise I eat well etc, no change But to change do I need to finish the degree ? This is the hardest thing. One task at a time brain, can you handle that?
WHY WE SHOULD PUT
OLIVIA EDMONDS TELLS ALL O
Undoubtedly, waking up with the feeling that you have had only just placed your head on the pillow, is a decidedly unsatisfying start to the morning. Admittedly, we could blame the blue light that we pour into our suffering retinas long into the night. Or perhaps the hideously longwinded academic readings, or even the fact that midnight snacks are increasingly becoming 3 am snacks—but I’m not playing a blame game here. The point is we’re all tired. You got less than 8 hours? Incredible news. Too many times have friends replied to a simple ‘how are you?,’ with an excessively detailed analysis of their sleeping habits. No, I don’t want to see your Fitbit review of last night’s REM sleep. No, I don’t want to hear about your whacky nightmare that actually isn’t scary in the least (call me only when you have a dream as intricate as the plot of Money Heist). No I definitely don’t want to hear your plans to cut caffeine out of your diet to aid your dismal sleeping habits—as a law student I consider this is sacrilege to the highest degree (mainly because the superiority complex of non-coffee drinkers drives everyone around them insane, WE GET IT YOU’RE NOT AN ADDICT LIKE THE REST OF US—but that’s a whole other kettle of fish).
Instead, I offer my exhausted companions some simple advice—take a nap. To which I am often met with some frankly offensive responses, such as: “I’m not an old lady!”, “naps only make me feel worse”, and something along the lines of “oh-my-god-c’mon-my-life-isn’t-fallingapart-that-much-that-I-need-a-nap-to-justget-me-through-the-day-wow.” This ‘nap-shame’ is increasingly common and discriminatory towards the regular napping community. So I must say this to all you nap chastisers. If you don’t like naps you’re not doing it well enough. Like anything, you can’t become an expert without real practice, so start logging those 10,000 hours people. According to real life actual science, the ideal nap time is 20 minutes. This keeps you in a light sleep phase, meaning you avoid the disorientation of waking up from the midst of deep sleep. To those of you who associate napping with the laziest or most geriatric of society, let it be known that some of the greatest minds in the world are proud Nappers. Albert Einstein himself engaged in organised ‘micro napping’ to help keep his brain sharp throughout the day. Winston Churchill avoided the 2pm post lunch blues by actually having a nap scheduled into his busy days. Even Napoleon napped whilst sitting on his horse between battles. To all you judgmental napnaysayers; who’s lazy now? Huge corporations such as Google and Nike have caught on to the business benefits of encouraging employee naps and the correlation it has to productivity. Not to mention that napping literally saves lives everyday. Can you
NAP SHAMING TO BED
ON WHY NAP SHAMING NEEDS TO GO.
imagine if the pilot on your 16 hour flight to your Contiki in Europe didn’t take a well timed nap over the Atlantic? How would you cope if the truck driver delivering your 34th isolation ASOS purchase didn’t take a nap on the side of a rural highway, after driving for 6 hours straight? Napping, it saves lives. For all you #wellness kaweens out there, napping is a lot cheaper than a Bali yoga retreat or an expensive sleep spray for your silk pillowcases. In fact napping sells for the low low price of zero dollars and zero cents. Plus, it’s practically a form of meditation so you can keep up with your mindfulness practice. So, next time you complain to your long suffering friend, who is probably equally as exhausted as you, try catching some shut eye during the arvo and put the nap shaming to bed.
GYM JUNKIES HIT HARD By Maddie McShane
A lot of us have been hit hard by the current Marley had hoped this year would bring growth restrictions imposed. But undoubtedly none to her recently established Instagram account, more than gym kids. which she frequently used as a platform to promote the new Opti-Slim protein powders, When the PM’s orders for the closure of many and up to a 60 second time-lapses of herself of the nation’s services, including fitness doing squats overlayed with Drake songs. centres, came into force on March 23rd, many were hit hard by the initial shock. “The protein spread just really doesn’t look “At first, I didn’t believe it. I knew things were the same in the backyard.” bad, but I didn’t really understand how things could be closing-the-gym-bad.” Said Jake PsychMed’s leading psychologist Dr. Wilson. Lewis, a self-proclaimed “gym shark.” notes that the devastation of gym closures has been instrumental in the mental health Others had their influencing prospects issues among gym goers, recording a 32% rise crushed. in the level of young muscly adults seeking her services. “It was absolutely heart wrenching.” Said Marley Jean, Adelaide born Anytime-Fitness “The spike in young gymsharks seeking regular and part-time OptiSlim ambassador. psychological help seems to be directly related “I mean, my socials were just recovering from to the revelatory discovery many are making the whole bushfire shit, I wasn’t equipped for that they do not, in fact, have a personality. Dr. this.” Wilson notes that this can profoundly distort one’s sense of identity.
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“There was also a common theme of loneliness, as many gym-goers began to come to terms with the fact that their spin-cycle teacher was not really their friend, and that their Instagram followers are not actually people they can turn to for real life support.”
23-year-old Brett Mileson is hopeful. “I reckon if this iso goes on another couple of months, by the time the gym doors are back open I should have the first, hey maybe even the second verse of ‘Riptide’ down pat on the uke.”
There are reports all over the country of inspiring Now, just over a month since the initial closures, stories like Brett’s. there have been many different behavioural responses from gym kids coming to terms with “What we may be seeing here is a revolutionary their lack of character. shift in gym junkie culture.” Says social analyst David Nagore. Many people have reverted to working out from home, asserting dominance over the spare room “These are uncertain times, but we are Mum was thinking about turning into an office. hopeful that if current conditions prevail, we Thankfully, the world’s growing dependence on may begin to see a dramatic decline in the social media has ensured these young athletes influences of toxic gym culture. Already we are able to broadcast their workout activities are seeing almost 40% less dating profiles to society that they are in fact, still hotter and featuring squat-jump Boomerangs. So yes, fitter than you are. For some, this has actually we are hopeful.” brought out a degree of creativity they weren’t aware they possessed. “It’s really brought out my crafty streak. Mum’s broom? New weights bar. Impressive, hey?” Jake effuses. Others have found the change in exercise style greatly confronting. Local student Casey Carlson declares “Running outside sucks. Half the time its freezing, and I’m literally not allowed to hire my PT come along for pointers.” Some sportspeople, however, have been turning to new hobbies in attempt to quash their gym withdrawals, taking up things like vlogging, music, and actually reading the pile of health books they have been telling their friends about for years.
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WHICH FIELD OF LA
A Quiz by Grace Jin
1.YOUR FAVOURITE FORMER AUSSIE HIGH COURT JUDGE IS…
4.WHY ARE YOU STUDYING LAW AT UOFA?
A) Chief Justice Dixon B) Chief Justice Brennan C) As an aspiring future High Court judge I am practicing the elimination of bias, so refuse to answer this question. D) Justice Gaudron E) Chief Justice Mason F) Justice Kirby <33
A) For the clout B) For the drama C) Because having legal knowledge is an asset, and law is interesting! D) To learn how to get away with things without being held legally accountable E) I settled for UofA after Melbourne and Sydney rejected me ;( F) I am passionate about helping people in need
2.MILK OR CEREAL FIRST?
5.DO YOU HAVE AN INSTA THEME?
A) All fit and proper people choose cereal B) As Ed would say, ‘I don’t care’ C) Bowl (I am an intellectual) D) Milk, for the controversy. E) Pfft please my street cred couldn’t take the hit, I only consume French toast F) Mind your own, it’s within my rights in this free country to pour either one first!
A) The key is to use the same filter, doesn’t matter which one B) No theme! Chaos is real, so chaos is good :) C) Just some light touch-ups or a subtle filter for that casual, effortless aesthetic D) Serious Insta posts are for losers, people with character only trash post memes E) VSCO all the way bby! F) Monochrome photos only, theatrical flair is *mwah*
3.YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN…
6.PICK THE MOST ICONIC THING TO COME OUT OF 2020:
A) Happiness B) Love C) Impossibility D) Luck E) Boundaries F) Karma
A) Bernie’s ‘I am once again asking for your financial support’ B) Animal Crossing: New Horizons C) Mark’s rap song on the PPSA D) Oop, there goes the Chancellor and ViceChancellor E) Parasite winning 4 Oscars F) The COVID-19 pandemic, DUH!
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AW IS YOUR DESTINY? 10. WHICH QUOTE RESONATES WITH YOU MOST?
7.THE UGLIEST WORD IS… A) ‘Debt’ B) ‘Curd’ C) ‘Exam’ D) ‘Guilt’ E) ‘Moist’ F) ‘Purge’ 8.FAVOURITE ORIGINAL AVENGER? A) Black Widow B) Hawkeye C) Iron Man D) Loki’s an Avenger, right? E) Thor F) Captain America 9.IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT, YOU’RE… A) Either hitting the gym to work on your gains, or hitting the clubs to show off said gains B) Sharing the bathtub with a Lush Dragon’s Egg C) Tucking your textbook under your pillow for good luck D) On TikTok learning how to Renegade, still recovering from the cancellation of Groovin the Moo E) At Africola with friends, giggling over a glass of red F) Harassing the KFC drive thru attendant for more! buckets! of popcorn chicken
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A) “It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re seventeen and planning for someday. And then, quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.” (Nathan Scott, ‘One Tree Hill’) B) “Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and a dress.” (Kiera Cass) C) “You are beautiful, but you are empty. No one could die for you.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) D) “The truth is like a lion. You don’t need to defend it, let it loose. It will defend itself.” (St. Augustine) E) “Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?” (Charles Bukowski) F) “She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.” (Rainbow Rowell)
RESULTS: MOSTLY AS: CORPORATE LAW I have no words. And you have no soul. Next. (Kidding! In all seriousness you’re probably dedicated, likely ambitious, and definitely a hard worker. Corporate law requires some serious work ethic and passion for the cause, so congrats on fulfilling that requirement! Chances are you also have a competitive streak the width of the Pacific and are a rather sore loser, but no biggie, because your lawful good energy and sharp observation skills make you the ideal corporate lawyer. I’d call you an angel, but what can I say, the devil’s in the details.)
MOSTLY DS: CRIMINAL LAW Woah, I spot a bit of a wildcard! Advocacy is your friend, but justice is your queen, yet uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. So hello, future officer of the court. While you’re very persuasive, and are dead-set on ensuring that justice is served and the right people are held accountable, sometimes you can’t help worrying that justice lies with the other party’s success. Although with the way I designed this quiz, landing on this option means your answers may have been concerning and/or morally questionable, so hopefully you’ll be the prosecutor and not the prosecuted…
MOSTLY BS: FAMILY LAW Prenups! Domestic violence! Child welfare! Divorce! You seem unfazed by madness and mayhem, and nothing bothers you all that much. Or at the very least, you’re good at compartmentalising and not taking things personally, or just have an immense passion for family law. I suppose the alternative is you had a stable, loving upbringing where happily married parents had the time to nurture you into a mentally healthy individual with empathy and integrity, who has never been scarred by their family and now wants to help others through a difficult time…but probably not.
MOSTLY ES: INTERNATIONAL LAW Navigating transborder relations?! Sounds important, and probably safest to be reserved for somebody who best understands how to navigate social waters without being chomped on by a shark. Seems like you’re often the life of the party, yet remain intelligent and kind. Open-minded yet willing to stand up for your own beliefs, you’re not afraid to embrace contrasting aspects of your personality and be unapologetically yourself…seriously, the UN needs you.
MOSTLY CS: INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY LAW Did somebody say underappreciated? Oh wait, that was me, talking about you. You understand the importance of protecting ownership of intangible things, and are willing to put in the work to defend those rights. You’re so good at logical reasoning while also appreciating creative liberties that you could have it patented. What is corporeal reality anyway? Regardless, it’s probably overrated. Here there be dragons, or whatever that phrase is. Ooh, maybe you should patent that too?
MOSTLY FS: CIVIL RIGHTS LAW If there were ever a pro-liberty, pro-freedom, pro-equality, pro-justice diva of an advocate, it would be you. Employment discrimination? Voting restrictions? Police brutality? You have a very big bone to pick with all of them. And so you should! Advocacy is your passion, and you love to make it known that you are a strong supporter and protector of civil rights and liberties. Whatever you do, you own it; the dramatic flair is just a bonus. The world is your oyster, and you’ve just swallowed it whole.
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ONCE YOUR BODY IS NEAR ASHES, THEN YOU HAVE MY PERSIMMON TO DIE By Heath Früt L'chaim There is little joy more unique and special than that of the promise of fruit from one’s fruit tree. You feel like part of something special. Anyone can get fruit from the supermarket, but these were exclusive, in limited supply and almost certainly came with the guarantee that ‘they taste better’. Oh yes, this fruit was always ‘sweeter and juicier’ than the pathetic store-bought stuff that was fondled by that little wiener kid Andrew whose hands have been more places than the Yellow Pages finger logo (Rest in Pages).
makes no sense, its dark purple exterior is so at odds with its yellow centre it would make a first-time consumer sick, so why do we accept them? It’s because they’re familiar and because the Simpsons quote ‘a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat’ is iconic. A plum tastes like a plum, it’s distinctive and delicious, the best a persimmon-giver can do is assure you that it’s not ‘the other type’ of persimmon and that ‘these ones taste like vanilla’. It’s unclear how or why fruit-giving could have such racist undertones, but life finds a way. Why must it taste like vanilla, why not like, a persimmon? Thank you for crushing the hope for a better future and rubbing salt in by reminding us of a better flavour. It is hope, the purest of emotions, that can torture us in untold ways if falsely held. Rats in a lowly-filled bucket of water die quickly without hope and with less pain than those who falsely believe they could escape a bucket filled to a higher level. But a peek into the promised land, where you receive figs or mandarins is always better than a plateaued existence. We can only appreciate wonders such as fuji apples and strawberries by comparing them to dreads such as persimmons or Logan Pauls.
The only thing sweeter than the promise was the anticipation of what the fruit could be, the options swirl through the mind like the wheel in the Price is Right, it’s like a night out with the boys or a night in with your partner, either way, you can’t lose. Alas, persimmons. They excitedly tell you that they have ‘a bag of them’ with your name on it, not a few, not even a bunch, always a bag. There was no pretence that they wanted to keep some or save some for someone else, they just wanted them out of their garden and out of their house. The struggle to recall the fruit is a struggle for sure but it comes, ‘now that is a name I haven’t heard in a long time’. The tomatoshaped fruit had the weakest of orange colourations and was remarkable in how That is why the only thing as unremarkable unremarkable it was. and disappointing as persimmons are the people that outwardly profess their In critiquing anything one must justify their love for them, contrarians. If only US own biases or hypocrisy, other fruit outliers Senator Joe McCarthy had pursued these (fruitliers) do exist. A plum, for instance, c-words perhaps he would be more fondly
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remembered. Their personality is that they want their personality to be different, their love for the nuance of Adam Sandler’s later works is matched only by their love for hating the first six seasons of Game of Thrones. But therein lies the problem, they don’t actually like persimmons, they didn’t ‘catch themselves laughing’ during Jack and Jill (2011), they don’t actually believe in anything. The first six seasons of Game of Thrones was something these blood-sucking, surface-scratchers would never experience – it was the ultimate wank shame. You knew you a lot of what was going on well didn’t sit with you and maybe you felt forced to watch, but the payoff would be huge. Instead, there was an unexpected and unwelcome man who appeared on screen at the most crucial time – you had just wasted an eternity for a payoff that never came, though you may have, and no amount of discussion boards could validate or reassure you about the mistake you made. But a silver lining exists where season eight’s plot didn’t – you do not live unless you know what you live for, I loved the first six seasons of Game of Thrones, and this pain is all I have left of it, also I fucking hate persimmons.
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YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TUTE PART TWO OF QUENTIN TARANTINO’S ONCE UPON A TIME IN…LIGERTWOOD Despite the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, and apparently a wild earthquake that shook all of LA twitter to its core, our friends at The Hollywood Hilarian have delivered once again and provided us with another excerpt from Quentin Tarantino’s much-anticipated swan song to cinema: Once Upon A Time In…Ligertwood. In this instalment, it appears that the film is tackling courtroom drama, a new arena for him as most of the criminals in his universe seem to inexplicably get off scot-free. To assist in this new endeavour, it appears this portion of the script has been script-doctored by none other than Aaron Sorkin of The West Wing fame. Sorkin is no-stranger to the courtroom drama, and seems to be drawing on some of his earliest material, A Few Good Men, widely regarded as one of the most acclaimed courtroom dramas of all time, despite much of it originally being written on cocktail napkins when Sorkin worked as a bartender.
The Courtroom is packed with law students, eager to get a glimpse of the proceedings that have gripped the law school for the past weeks. Student media have the cameras rolling. The defence lawyers sit back in their chairs smugly, thinking they have the case in the bag. At the plaintiff’s table, Matty StubbyHolder and Steve ‘The Commodore’ Dales (Royal Australian Navy (Retd.) try to stifle their nervous energy probably brought on by too many coffees from St. Raph’s. Steve: Matty, I don’t know what more we can do. What else am I supposed to do except impart my hands-on however-irrelevant knowledge of military and legal combat to the next generation? Matty: Look Steve, it was always gonna be a fucking tough case. We’ve given it our all, but against the combined forces of the Law School Administration it was always gonna be difficult.
So without further ado, here is the second instalment of Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time In Ligertwood: You Can’t Handle The Tute. Steve: I guess so, I just hope the Navy will take me back then. INT: a courtroom, possibly in the Sir Samuel Way Building on Victoria Square, but more Suddenly, Steve is struck by a legal bolt of likely to be Piper Alderman Moot Court in the lightning, obviously recognisable to Matty Ligertwood Building. and the defence, who for the first time in the trial have a moment of doubt flash across their faces. Steve: I think I’ve got something. Matty: What is it?
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only be countered by watching you make a fool of yourself. And it’s always nice to see my Before Matty could mount an expletive-laden Associate Dean Matthew (gestures to Matty). Did protest, the Sherriff’s Officer demands the I mention he’s going to be your replacement in assembled gathering to rise as Retired High International Law? Court Justice Michael Kirby, specifically brought in given his good relationship with Steve, trying to obscure the feeling of betrayal Adelaide Law School, takes his seat in the that washes over his face, looks back at Matty in astonishment, only to find the same look judge’s chair. on Matty’s face. He didn’t know. Clerk: Dales v Adelaide University Law School Mel: I haven’t told him yet obviously, but if he Kirby: Does the Plaintiff have anything else to knows what’s good for him, he’ll accept. After all, who’d give up the chance to be commanding add before they rest? officer to ‘The Commodore’. You’re not in the Navy anymore Steve, the administration is Steve jumps up, ready to fight for his legal life. calling the shots. Steve: The Plaintiff wishes to call Mel DeaneSteve: I would let you keep digging yourself that Black to the stand. hole Mel, but you’d only be putting your case Shock erupts throughout the Court. Even against me in danger. Matty is questioning Dale’s Hail Mary of a legal decision. Calling the Dean to the stand was Mel: Grave danger? unheard of. Steve: Is there any other kind? Mel Deane-Black, with a look of particular annoyance as if a First Year had just asked a Steve: Now, are we clear on our roles here? question already answered in the Q&A Section That I ask the questions and you answer them of MyUni, takes the stand and is sworn in truthfully? before Steve begins his cross-examination. Mel hesitates to answer for a second. Mel: I don’t see why I have to be dragged in here Steve: Are we clear?! all over again, I have a Law School to run. Steve: Just trust me.
Steve: Don’t worry Dean, I only have a few Mel: Crystal. questions for you. Steve: Good, now… Mel: I should hope so, this inconvenience might
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Steve trails off, and it is clear to everyone I have neither the time nor the inclination to in the Court that he is about to embark on a explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps change of tactics. under the blanket of the very salary that I provide, and then questions the manner in Steve: My question to you is this. For what which I provide it. I would rather you just said possible reason can’t I lecture or tute in ‘thank you’, and went on your way. Otherwise, I International anymore? I’ve created that course, suggest you go back to Harvard, and lecture on I’ve earned my place. I want to know why you Iraq and Timor-L’Este there. Either way, I don’t want to deprive First Years of some good old- give a damn what you think you are entitled to! fashioned real-world experience. The silence in the Courtroom is deafening, so Mel (getting progressively more annoyed): You much so that you can hear the whirring of the want answers? printers in the Sir John Salmond Law Library a couple of floors below. Steve: I think I’m entitled to them. Suddenly, a man in full Royal Australian Navy Mel (boiling over): You want answers?! dress whites, who for once isn’t Steve stands. It is Rear Admiral Kevin Scarce AC, CSC, Steve: I want the tute! formerly of the Royal Australian Navy and now Chancellor of Adelaide University (until Mel: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TUTE! he resigned later that day under mysterious circumstances). Mel: Steve, we work in a law school that has tutes, and those tutes have to be taught by Kev: Mel, either Steve keeps his job, or you lose tutors with talent. Whose gonna do it, you? My yours. (Turns to Kirby) Sound good to you Mike? husband Frankie? Kirby: Yep sounds good to me Kev, for once I I have a greater responsibility than you can don’t dissent. This Court is adjourned (bangs possibly fathom. You weep for the First Years, gavel). and you curse the administration. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what Mel mutters something under her breath as I know. That your removal, while tragic for you, she slinks back to her office. Steve is swarmed probably saves time, and that my existence, by the assembled crowd, which carry him while annoying and inconvenient for you, saves off down to The Braggs to lecture first years time. on Law of the Sea. He exchanges a look of triumph with Matty before disappearing amid You don’t want the tute because deep down in the throng. places you don’t talk about in front of First Years, you want more time for RUMLAE, you need more The assembled gathering quickly disperse, time for RUMLAE! We use words like efficiency, until only Matty is left. He begins to leave, but academic honesty, and KPIs. We use them as the then stops and takes one final look. backbone of a top-quality law school. You use them as a punchline. Matty: So this is what the inside of a courtroom looks like. THE END.
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Lack of due process aside, this collaboration between Tarantino and Sorkin is just about as much as could be hoped for by law students and film nerds alike. While we have the beginning and end of this merger of two of the best films of the past thirty years, we can only hope that The Hollywood Hilarian provides us with more excerpts from Once Upon A Time Inâ&#x20AC;Ś Ligertwood, and maybe even the movie itself once coronas changes its life direction and decides to get fucked.
By Will Broderick
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REALITY IN MOTION BY CECELIA TRAN-PHAM
How Tame Impala’s Currents Projected the COVID-19 Pandemic Tame Impala’s 2015 album Currents has been critically acclaimed by music critics, with the Internet’s Most-Flannel-Wearing Music Nerd Anthony Fantano stating that it was the “album of a lifetime, definitely one to represent any group of individuals during any pandemic, a medium-well done 19/10”*. The World Health Organisation claims that it cannot state anything on the matter as a bipartisan international body, or alternatively speaking, “we can’t get too political otherwise Triple J may cancel us, put us on their blacklist and we end up losing our funding”.
*He didn’t actually, he gave it a ‘soft 7’, but why does he get to have the ultimate say? Just call it an 8 and give it a rest. The first track, ‘Let It Happen’, immediately penetrates the normie brain with the fruit of Kevin Parker’s rainbow tie-dyed bubblegumsmelling loins - the neverending 7 minutes and 48 seconds reminding you that you must let COVID-19 happen. Kev's angelic voice almost transports you to a time where you weren’t mindlessly watching Bon Appetit videos all day and when you had a life to live.
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Then there’s tracks like ‘Nangs’ - that’s pretty much all there is to say about that. But is there something more to that? The Moment? Yes, I’m Changing? The Less I Know The Better??? Quite frankly, I’m pretty excited for this all to be over - I’m sitting here, trying to *review* an album from five years ago and tie it to a pandemic that seems to be neverending. I guess all I can do is think “Fuck Trevor”, which Kevin says can be roughly translated to “this is quite a predicament we’re in, innit guvnor?”.
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WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME YOU LITTLE BITCH? By Luke Zounis
What did you just say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class from the Adelaide Law School, and I’ve been involved in both the Mabo cases, and I have over 300 confirmed wins in court. I am trained in dispute resolution and ethics and I’m the top litigator in the SA legal profession. You are nothing to me but another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak, I am contacting my secret network of law clerks across South Australia and they’re drafting claims right now, so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your savings. You’re done, kid. I can be in any court , anytime, and I can get you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just in the Magistrates Court. Not only am I extensively trained in litigation, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the alternative dispute resolution process, and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable savings off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
BAKE SALE MIRACLE By Sofia Arlotta I had a good feeling about this bake sale, and not just because we had vegan, gluten-free and glutenous brownies. This bake sale just felt a bit different. Turns out I was right, because after making that donation I got a call from an unknown number. I picked up the phone to discover it was none other than the head of AIDS calling me to say the donation of $173 I had made earlier that day had single handedly solved the AIDS crisis. The feeling I got to hear the news was of a euphoria, similar to that gained after a hula hoop (10-minute version) on Wii Fit. I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have done it without my team. We hustled hard and it paid off.
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In all honesty, it didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really come as a total shock to me because although goods were advertised as a gold coin donation the amount of people buying at $2 was unmatched. Today I literally revolutionised white blood cell counts - that is definitely going on my LinkedIn.
THE DISAPPEARANCE OF DON LEWIS A LEGAL ANALYSIS
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Hey all you cool cats and kittens! it’s Carole at The facts of the case are murky, but can be Big Cat Rescue. narrowed down to these. Carole and Don met when she was fleeing an abusive first marriage. Only kidding, I doubt Carole Baskin would be They had an affair while both were still married, interested in stopping fighting the rest of the and, after divorcing their spouses, opened big cat community while trying to pass the Big Wildlife on Easy Street, which later became Cat Public Safety Act to write for The Hilarian. known as Big Cat Rescue. Along with wildlife But her story, as told to a quarantined audience conservation, two of Don’s other passions were of millions in the hit true crime documentary aviation (even if there was the small matter Tiger King, is of great interest to us. of his pilot’s license being suspended) and trips down to Costa Rica, where Carole alleges There are many weird and crazy characters in he had multiple affairs. After several years of Tiger King. From the absolutely bizarre gun- marriage, Carole claims that Don exhibited toting, mullet-wearing, gay redneck former some strange behaviour, such as rummaging US Presidential and Oklahoma Gubernatorial through dumpsters, symptoms of what she candidate Joe Maldonado-Passage né believed to be Alzheimer’s Disease. Schreibvogel (aka Joe Exotic), to real-life Creed Bratton from The Office except he’s not playing It was around this time that Don gave his a caricature of himself, alleged attempted endurable power-of-attorney to Carole ‘in the hitman and bathtub interviewee Allen Glover. event of his disability or disappearance’, as well However, one person in the documentary as booking another trip down to Costa Rica. has garnered more online hate than all of the While the use of ‘disappearance’ in the powerothers, so much so that even Tony Montana of-attorney documents may look in hindsight a from Scarface’s likely inspiration Mario little suss to say the least, it is apparently not Tabraue, who ‘sold drugs to fund his animal an isolated usage of the term, even if Don’s habit’, seems fearful of her. And that person is, lawyer, Joe Fritz, had not seen the usage of the in Joe Exotic’s words, ‘that bitch Carole Baskin term in 37 years of practice. However, at this down in Florida’. time Don also filed a restraining order against Carole which was subsequently rejected. In it, Carole, along with her husband Howard, run Don claimed Carole had threatened to kill him Big Cat Rescue, a wildlife sanctuary for abused and hidden his gun so that he couldn’t protect animals liberated from dastardly private zoo himself. Amid many other stories told of Don owners like Joe Exotic so that they can live wanting to divorce Carole, the remaining out their lives in peace and comfort. Only known facts are that Don disappeared on the problem is that Big Cat Rescue doesn’t seem 18th of August 1997 and hasn’t been seen very…sanctuary-y. It more resembles the very since. He was declared legally dead in 2002, institutions Carole is trying to shut down by with much of his multi-million-dollar estate taking on the Washington swamp and Big? Big going to Carole after a protracted legal battle Cat by passing the Big Cat Public Safety Act. with Don’s children. The case remains open as However, beyond the whirlwind of hypocrisy of the time of writing and, with the immense that surrounds Carole Baskin wherever she popularity of the documentary, authorities rides her bike, there is a darkness to her story are calling on anyone with new information to which is covered by an entire episode of Tiger come forward. King: the disappearance of her second husband Don Lewis, potentially by foul play.
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So, like a suitcase containing a tiger cub in one of Jeff Lowe’s seedy Vegas hotel rooms, there’s a lot to unpack here. Carole’s enemies in the Big Cat community such as Joe Exotic have variously alleged Carole killed Don for his money and other more defamatory reasons, and have variously alleged that Carole ground up Don’s body in a meatgrinder and fed him to the tigers, or that he’s buried under Big Cat Rescue’s septic tank. Don’s first wife and children, who understandably have beef with Carole, also believe he met his demise by Carole’s hand. Don’s secretary Anne McQueen, a partial beneficiary of Don’s estate, who describes herself as ‘probably the only woman he never fooled around with. I used to say it was the only time in my life that I was glad I was short and fat.’, also doubts that Don simply vanished off the face of the earth, and that Carole may have been involved. It is worth noting however that McQueen has been accused of absconding with approximately $600,000 worth of Don’s assets. Joe Fritz believes that there was foul play involved in Don’s disappearance. When asked who he thought might be involved, he simply replied, ‘won’t go there’. It’s also worth pointing out that Fritz’s somewhat tenuous relationship with attorney-client privilege given he divulged the contents of conversations between himself and Don might warrant enrolment in Stubbsy’s Foundations of Law class. One piece of circumstantial evidence that has made up the minds of many about Carole’s involvement in Don’s disappearance is her surprising amount of knowledge about what foodstuffs cause tigers to attack humans. In the context of Joe Exotic believing that someone had smeared his shoes with a substance that caused him to be attacked by one of his tigers, she laughs off this notion, while casually throwing out the line, ‘If someone wanted a cat to eat you they’d pour sardine oil on you’. This line, followed by one of Carole’s trademark dead-eyed, Manson Girl-esque laughs, while
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not necessarily being directly related to Don’s disappearance, is chilling nonetheless. The body in charge of investigating Don’s disappearance, the Hillsborough County Sherriff’s Department, found no signs of foul play at either Wildlife on Easy Street or Don’s property in Costa Rica. Since the airing of the documentary, County Sherriff Chad Chronister has had multiple tips, and, despite his view that the documentary was ‘spun’ for entertainment and the fact that the authorities have ‘not one piece [of evidence]’ that foul play was involved in Lewis’s disappearance, is calling on the public to provide his team with legitimate leads on Lewis’s disappearance, a fair request now that everyone who’s watched Tiger King at least has a theory. My own view is that Don Lewis made a lot of enemies during his life, and the disappearance of a multi-millionaire big cat conservationist leads me to believe that on the facts, it is not beyond reasonable doubt that he met with foul play. As to the perpetrator of this foul play, I’ll take a leaf out of Joe Fritz’s book, and say ‘won’t go there’. All I can say is that in my view, there is an extremely fine line between the behaviour of Carole Baskin and Joe Exotic and others she targets, and that overall, it is the animals who are hurt by all the murder, mayhem and madness. With the soaring popularity of Tiger King, it is my hope that this last fact is the one that is finally changed. P.S. If you’ve seen the documentary / can’t be stuffed watching it, look up Joe Exotic’s song Here Kitty Kitty on YouTube about Don’s disappearance which he ~definitely~ sung himself for a crystallisation of his views on the matter. Regardless of the song’s actual content, it is unequivocally a banger with a Grammyworthy music video (seriously, how did he find that good of a Carole Baskin lookalike??). By Will Broderick
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PROMISES TO MY POST-QUARANTINE SELF By Olivia Edmonds I’m sure we’ve all been planning- nay fantastingin true A-type personality law student style, about the many ways we aim to improve ourselves during isolation. The post quarantineprison bodies; the many high brow books we will finally get around to reading ( “law just has soo many prescribed readings, it takes the joy out of it. You wouldn’t understand, the workload is Just. So. Intense.); the 2.7 languages we will learn, combined with learning to hide from the murderous rage of the Duolingo Owl; as well as many more DELISH self improvement schemes, e.g. poorly made bread, to flaunt to your devoted 743 followers on Instagram.
1. I PROMISE TO ATTEND NON-COMPULSORY SEMINARS: Ideally this will last at least half the semester. In all likelihood, this will last two weeks until you remember that online uni actually ain’t that bad (they’re really into something with this whole Zoom thing guys). 2. I PROMISE TO GO TO LECTURES (PHYSICALLY; SPIRITUALLY; SOMEWHAT MENTALLY).
Sit real close to a stranger, really lean into the 1.5 metre bubble, who knows maybe you’ll find your next mooting partner!. Have a chit chat. Ask Basically, quarantine is an incubator for the to borrow their phone charger, maybe breathe perfect you. But there’s no doubt we all miss the down their neck a little. Sit on their lap. Take ever elusive outdoors, and we can't ever miss an some notes. opportunity for self improvement can we? So, here are the promises I’ve made to my future 3. I PROMISE TO NEVER FLAKE AGAIN. self, for when we are finally free for curating the ideal post quazza life. I implore you to take some I promise I will never again be ~that bitch~ who uses the ol’ sorry I can't come anymore tonight of them on for your own benefit. :( Yeah I have a Law assignment due. Yeah did you know I did Law? Well I have an essay due. Yeah for my Law degree. It’s really hard. The Law degree. Yeah.
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4. I PROMISE TO COUNT THE NUMBER OF COUPLES THAT BREAK UP POST-QUARANTINE AFTER THEIR REINTRODUCTION TO TEMPTATION. Note: Call this a social experiment to counteract the questionable morals of enjoying their demise. 5. I PROMISE TO HUG EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS. Then realise swiftly that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always somewhat resented physical affection and approximately three months of physical and social isolation have only heightened this fact - retreat to the safety of home. 6.I PROMISE TO GET AT LEAST ONE HD. Or at least try, and then fall into the loving arms of an NGP when I realise it's impossible.
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JUSTICE KIRBY APPRECIATION BY CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS A THE NEWLY REGISTERED ADELAIDE UNIVERSITY JUSTICE KIRBY APPRECIATION SOCIETY IS IN TURMOIL AFTER ITS MEMBERS REFUSED TO PASS MOTIONS, ACCEPT REPORTS OR CALL FOR ELECTIONS AT ITS ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING.
“Bloody functionalists” grumbled one member at the end of the meeting.
“Apparently every member wanted to feel like Justice Kirby” said the Society President “so when we put up basic motions like accepting the Treasurer’s report or opening nominations for the election of the new committee, the membership voted against them as their sort of ‘dissent’.”
The full transcript of the Secretary’s dissolution motion is attached below:
This allegedly was followed by hours of tense negotiations between the members as some sort of compromise was sought. The Vice President of the Society examined the Society constitution but her interpretation of a legal resolution to the crisis was blocked by other members of the Committee on the grounds that her ‘legalistic’ approach was inconsistent with the wishes of the original drafters of the Society constitution.
“Well, we lasted longer than the Justice Lionel Murphy Appreciation Society” another member stated cheerfully.
“Members, it has been brought to my attention that there are now differences of a irreconcilable nature between members that have caused this society significant angst which will likely grow in size and toxicity if, as it is the current trajectory, left unattended to such an extent where such diplomatic resolutions will be useless, hence the realisation that it may, upon closer examination of the facts, be a more prudent course of action, as an elected representative of this society and a student undertaking a bachelor of laws at this university, to seek the immediate dissolution of this establishment by placing at the discretion of the membership a motion that, if duly seconded and affirmed by the majority of members assembled, would carry out the aforementioned objective of winding up this society and distributing its assets in an equitable manner in accordance with the prescribed club rules and the laws of Her Majesty’s Commonwealth and the State of South Australia in the Year of Our Lord two thousand and twenty. Do I have a seconder?”
Finally the Secretary attempted to put an end to the chaos by moving a motion to dissolve the Society, but this too was rejected by dissenting members. An alterative motion to refer the dispute to the University’s Tribunal of Club Conciliation and Arbitration was similarly voted down. Shortly afterwards, the Society committee left the room, causing quorum to be lost and thus ending the meeting. With all of the business left unfinished, no elections held, no financial report By Felix Eldridge accepted and no way to reconcile angry members, the status of this Society is now unclear.
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N SOCIETY PARALYSED AT AGM
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LIGGY LOVE LETTERS: PART TWO That royal blue and crisp white. You beckoned me from across the room. Lipman Karas tote, I knew I had to have you. To feel your cross hatching under my finger tips; to have you take my textbooks, I breathe heavy as I imagine you weighing down my shoulder. LK tote, can I call you that? I missed out on you time and time before as a lowly 1st, 2nd and 3rd year, but now.. in my penultimate year, I am ready. MG, I have a fat crush on you. It’s to the point I’m willing to accept your (unfortunate) love of Port Adelaide, Liverpool, and those canvas shoes you wear which remind me of shuffling battles at house parties in 2011. Rap for me sometime, and then lets engage in unconscionable conduct. I haven't slept with you yet but I will soon. I hear your constitutional notes are FIRE!
Alex Jones! Miss u x A certain handsome lanky Thor-looking scand accused me of writing him a love letter that i didn’t before so here’s ur love letter u clingy bitch x Mason CJ, you’re so much better than Kirby J. Banging judicial work! Gabby GOLD-ing! Thank you for shining up our lives. Hope your yoga skills make you extra flexible (with our DRE grades). To the (smol) girl with the yearly changing specs, I've missed seeing you burrow through textbooks in Liggy, I hear you're a big shot editor this year??? I hope Covid is over soon so I can 'accidentally' run into you again! Sincerely CK Paula - you add a sparkle in that deep dark dungeon :* We are indeed facing twin crises, but I'd argue there's a third - my internal crisis due to my inability to kiss all the final years at events before they graduate.
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WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” she said, it echoed around my brain, an invader, a usurper of my fears. Inhibitions knocked off a monolithic throne; I was crowned an idiot by wasted years.
For a moment, I found myself emancipated, worry could not hold me down. A caged animal desperate and destined to run free unto the realm of possibility. The worst that could happen, had passed.
I waded through missed moments, dead friendships and a sea of disappointment I once chartered solo.
Willingly and blindly I had swum with breezeblocks fastened tightly by woven, strangling cord to my weak ankles.
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An unknowing committal, I killed myself I sunk myself. What a horror; I am a poorer Catholic than I had fathomed. Reverently faithless, I refused to believe a better life was owed to me. I have learnt to take what I want, what I need; because the worst that could happen I wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let happen again. 27/2/2017 9:34 pm
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