The Hilarian. ISSUE ONE 2020
Editors: Christiana Michaels Hugo Chapman Bianca Tramagilno Sub-Committee: Angelica Bollella Joana Stankevicius Will Broderick Luke Zounis Janyce Tai Cecilia Tran-Pham Lachie Blake Sofia Arlotta Grace Jin Maddie McShane Megan Vuong Olivia Edmonds Design: Diminee Robinson Art: Bianca Tramaglino The Hilarian does not reflect nor represent the opinions and views of the AULSS, nor those of the University of adelaide Law School
Wanna contribute? hilarian@aulss.org
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Table of Contents Contents Table of Contents
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Presidents welcome
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Editors welcome
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DO YOU HAVE A VOICE IN YOUR HEAD?
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HORROR STORY 10 EDITION ONE PLAYLIST
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THE HEALTH HAZARDS OF LAW SCHOOL
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AS A KID MY MUM MADE ME DO CHORES AND THAT’S TOTALLY CHILD SLAVERY, SO I’M BECOMING A LAWYER TO SUE HER. HERE’S MY STORY:
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WHAT COMP ARE YOU? 17 LOVE SICK:
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LIGGY LOVE LETTERS
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TO ALL THE LAW BOYS IVE LOVED BEFORE 20 LAW SCHOOL LOVE ADVICE 22 THE 7 TYPES OF SEMINAR LEADER YOU’RE LIKELY TO MEET
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TAG YOURSELF: MANDATORY SEMINAR CLASS EDITION 26 THE SIGNS AS LAW STUDENTS
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5 REASRONS JAPRIS ARE SUPERIOR TO JORTS: 32 ONCE UPON A TIME IN LIGERTWOOD 33 LOCAL LAW STUDENT CONFUSES NEPOTISM AND NECROPHILIA 36 CARTOONS 38 THE ULTIMATE TOILET PAPER CRISIS SURVIVAL GUIDE 42 DID THE SIMPSONS PREDICT COVID-19?
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CROSSWORD 46 WORDSEARCH 47 CORONA SELF CARE
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President’s welcome Hey Guys, Welcome to the Hilarian, a medium to stay up to date with what’s happening around the Law School, the people magazine of Ligertwood. I’m Belal Salih, President of the Adelaide University Law Students’ Society. You would have received an email or 15 from me where I introduce myself. But in case you haven’t, here is another one in paper copy so you can’t miss it! Basically, the AULSS is here to help make your time at Law as fun as it can be. The Hilarian is a beautiful place to read articles on all sorts of interesting topics. It’ll give you the chance to see what Law students are thinking about and read about what keeps them up at night. While the Hilarian is hot and fresh, you probably shouldn’t use it as a reference in any of your assignments. I hope this year is a productive one where you stay up to date with all your courses, the readings and lectures. But make sure you’re having fun as well, whether that means watching Netflix at home, Facetiming your friends or washing your hands regularly. I look forward to seeing you guys on Zoom, and please do not let this welcome be an indicator of the Hilarian’s content, it gets much better I promise. Yours truly, Belal Salih
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Editor’s welcome Lockdown Day #420 It is with great resolve (and confidence?) from our quarantined editing den that we present the first edition of The Hilarian for 2020. Here at Hilly HQ we have taken it upon ourselves to restore public order amongst the devastating cancellations, namely, the AFL, University (now Zoomversity), non-alcoholic AULSS events, my relationship, Splendour, and so on. The Hilarian this year will feature funky branding, a persistent online presence, and plethora of student contributions from a variety of backgrounds (mainly being progressive, thirdgeneration ethnic females). Furthermore, our desires to be as thicc as possible will be supported through an extension of the sub-committee to 15 talented law students. The highlights of this issue include Maddie McShane’s solutions to the toilet paper crisis, Will Broderick’s rework of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and a chilling astrological insight by Angelica Bollella. Moreover, we boast an exclusive interview with Democratic Party frontrunner Joe Biden, who was particularly shook by the confrontation of another Hilly. Issue One also capitalises on matters of the heart, and the endless quest for a suitable quarantine companion. Our love expert has provided the best Joe Goldberg inspired tips to finally capture (the heart of) your dreamy law-bae, alongside the saucy anonymous submissions of ‘Liggy Love Letters’, featuring a disturbing consistency of dominant desires for ethnic men and faculty members. Finally, Alexander Arthur is looking out for our wellbeing and has provided a timely self-care guide for those more impacted by the closure of Loverboy than the reality of unemployment. Enjoy the product of our isolation and filth from the comfort of your own homes, we think it’s fully sick. With love expressed through a vigilant Wuhan shake, Hugo, Bianca and Christiana P.S. If you get really desperate, we won’t be offended if you use this as toilet paper.
DO YOU HAVE A VOICE IN YOUR HEAD? Words by Joana Stankevicius You’re watching a coming of age movie, the main character is walking through the school corridor and the narrator is telling you their thoughts. Some people watch these scenes and don’t think twice because they also experience an internal monologue. For some, however, they watch such scenes and don’t realise having an internal narrative is normal for others. Most people just assume the way their mind works is the norm, and aren’t aware that anything different exists. There are those who have an internal narrator, meaning there is a voice in their head, and if this is you, then maybe as you read this, you hear these words in your head. If you don’t have an internal monologue, perhaps you visualise the words. Some people just have abstract, non-verbal thoughts and must consciously verbalize them. Maybe you wake up in the morning and you get a wave of existential dread, or maybe you wake up and think “ugh not again”. As a person with an internal monologue, it is hard to believe someone can see an image, such as a to do list, and the only way they can get it out of their mind is to write it down. There are not only two kinds of minds: the human brain is so complex, everyone’s mind is different. The more that people look into this topic, the more evident it becomes no one is the same. In 2011 Russell Hulburt, a professor in psychology completed a study and found internalised verbal speech may not be as common as we think it is. When asked to reflect on how your thoughts occur, it’s easy to just say they’re verbal (if you think verbally that is). In Hulburt’s study, inner speech only occurred in an average of 20% of all subjects. The way you think may be verbal, visual, emotional, sensational or even something entirely different. Some deaf persons are thought to be visual thinkers, seeing sign language, pictures or words. What we know is everyone’s mind is unique, and we may never comprehend that others experience their thoughts, and by extension their lives, in a completely different way. 8
CORPORATE DICKHEAD HEADQUARTERS Written: the day before applications close
Average Law student M:420 69 69 Ijustwanttoworkforfree@adelaide.edu.au Disappointment City SA 5000
To another corporate devil, RE: AN HONEST COVER LETTER I am a fourth-year Laws and Commerce student who has no legal work experience. I want to work but none of you think I am smart enough to fetch your lattes or complete your photocopies. I just wanted to thank you for this glorious existential crisis. Your bid to ignore GPA has only made your applications process even more delightful- this coming from someone with a shit GPA. Thanks for asking me to write a paragraph on my ‘greatest passion’. It was particularly confronting to realise a) I don’t have a passion because I’m a slave to my degree and b) feeling even if I had a passion it wouldn’t be unique enough to satiate your fine tastes. The pressure of the expectation I have discovered my life’s greatest passion at 21, whilst studying constantly and never sleeping is very realistic, it demonstrates the firm’s distinctive understanding of the realities associated with the lives of young people. I am experienced in kissing the arses of people who do not care about who I am as a person but use frivolous application questions to improve their corporate image. I really appreciate your highly personal application questions; it was lovely to see you felt entitled to have comprehensively written answers of my personal thoughts to critique and deem unworthy. I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of making my private dreams your personal property and sacrificing my sense of autonomy in choosing to apply because of my overwhelming desire to enter the corporate rat race. My communication skills are excellent, I am fluent in bullshit and whenever you ask if I am enjoying my unpaid work my mouth automatically says: ‘I love having my time undervalued by wealthy firms who can afford to pay me’. Having received many rejection letters, which have ultimately detracted from my sense of personal merit, I am highly relatable. My newly acquired self-defecating habits are sure to stroke your ego and make me an asset to your firm. It would be my great privilege to further your god complex. I have attached a current resume and hope I have the opportunity to show you my photocopying and coffee making skills in person. I am also gifted with a stapler. Alternatively, I relish the wait for another rejection letter from you containing a typographical error. Kind Regards, Average law student.
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HORROR STORY ‘Unfortunately your application has been unsuccessful at this time’.
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EDITION ONE PLAYLIST https://tinyurl.com/wjn4mga
What we vibin’ right now It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine) – R.E.M The less I know the better – Tame Impala Blinding Lights – The Weeknd Good times – Gensis Owusu Magnify – North East Party House Purple Hat – Sofi Tukker Phone numbers – Dominic Fike Is this how you feel – The Preatures Ordinary Pleasure – Toro y Moi Rushing back – Flume
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THE HEALTH HAZAR
Alright, this one is for the plucky first years in particular; let’s be honest Law school isn’t all it’s cracked up to textbooks**: the biggest cost by far though is to your health. Being a uni student is a consistent mess, everyt urally, the first thing you throw to the wolves is any regard for your general wellbeing. There are’s a few things would recommend to you. Here’s the kind of deterioration to expect in the course of your law degree:
Minute blindness: All those hours reading on a computer screen are not forgotten by your eyes. Staring at that screen of white light makes things fuzzy, you’ll think its your screen brightness, but eventually the sickening truth comes to light- your eyes can’t make those letters crisp anymore. Cases don’t help either, narrow, 10 pt paragraphs will make you cross eyed after a while. Your law degree is going to force you to read and read and read: unfortunately crash courses don’t cover Australian law courses- believe me I’ve checked. It’s extra work, but those PDF scans on MyUni suck, find the case on Westlaw, download
the microsoft word version (if there is one) and jack that font size up so it’s damn readable. Save your eyes early on, get an eye test before you start Uni and work out whether you need some extra help. Another free option is the program Flux, Flux is free and runs on both windows and Mac. The program removes blue from your screen, helping you sleep and minimising your eyestrain. Thank me later, my bsb and account number are 023933, 293i293u293923232 )a
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RDS OF LAW SCHOOL
be. This degree comes with a lot of costs **ahem…. thing in your life is competing for your attention, nats, I, a seasoned professional in disaster management
Persistent headaches:
slowly. Overall, reading out loud is the only trick that has prevented me from re-reading the same Modern science cannot yet measure the paragraph for hours and has averted mental correlation between reading legal textbooks breakdown more than once. Then again, talking and the onset of headaches, needless to say, to yourself is the first sign of madness... any good law student knows the results would be damning. No ‘pattern’ to your sleep at all: Whether it’s the legalistic style almost entirely devoid of any creativity, or the repetitive use of Just forget sleep, your body will evolve by secthe word reasonable, because apparently the ond year, you’ll be part of the sleepless elite and law has no tolerance for synonyms, something you won’t care anymore. Putting sarcasm aside, in those pages makes your brain cry. At times, sleep is important and trying to time manage so I’m not convinced the author knows what they’re it doesn’t end up sacrificed is a crucial skill which trying to say themselves. Maybe textbook writers will help you through law school. If you’re a fitare just like us, clueless, and trying to cover it ful sleeper try using essential oils like lavender up by blurting out a lot of precedent. Some of to help your mind switch off. If essential oils are the things you read in law school will make you too hippie for you go to IKEA and drop a dime on think a cat walked across the author’s keyboard: some new bedsheets, fresh bed sheets help ansee any Welsh case name. yone sleep better. IKEA bed sheets in particular Look, no one does all the readings, and if your are designed not to stick to you in summer so friend says they do all the readings they’re not you can have a good night’s sleep. your friend they’re a snake. Anyway, on the off chance you’re actually giving the ol’ readings a stab here’s a top tip: read them out loud. Any self-respecting human being wants to claw their ears off at the sound of their own voice, so acclimate yourself to this one
Slow transition into Quasimodo:
Caffeine overdose:
Sitting, sitting for hours straight in lectures, sitting in tutes, sitting at your desk when you get home: we sit at desks for hours on end. Eventually, the law student’s spine morphs into a graceful semicircle, ideal for computer work as your face is inevitably closer to your computer screen. You’ll end up besties with your physio, this neck and back pain reverberates throughout your body and the physio is your only healer. Oh, and when the physio says needles will help- just cop the needles! A simple option is the Chrome extension PostureMinder, this app lets out a groovy little sound to remind you to sit up straight and helps to combat the source of the issue: bad posture. If that’s too annoying, remember that exercise is an important part of pain management and doing simple stretches or using a foam roller can really help your suffering back.
According to a highly un-reputable source I found on google it would take approximately 70 cups of coffee to overdose, fatally, on caffeine. It is safe to say this is an achievable metric for any law student. Bluntly, I don’t have the audacity to provide a recommendation as to how to decrease your caffeine intake- that’s just unrealistic… Instead, my top tip is to make sure your coffee addiction doesn’t spawn into an avocado level crisis and drive you to poverty. For the love of god, ‘invest’ in a Keep a cup of some description. (The AULSS sell some sexy keep cups!). Most coffee places will give you up to 20 cents discount per cup if you provide your own vessel, it really adds up.
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Crippling self doubt:
CORONAVIRUS:
Uni is very humbling for a lot of ‘academic types’, ultimately, at some point students have to stop basing our sense of self on our grades, that lesson has a steep learning curve. I legitimately remember thinking my first Torts grade might have been written backwards: hoping desperately for a more favourable mark. We are told over and over, Uni is more difficult than high school: I ignored that warning entirely- please do not do the same. If there’s anything you can take away from shit grades it’s a re-evaluation of your priorities, my fall from academic grace made me focus on the people in my life. Meet new people, enjoy your life for a moment: it’s a cliche, but you’ll remember a pub crawl for years, a shitty grade is fleeting.
Wash your hands, you detty, detty pig!
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AS A KID MY MUM MADE ME DO CHORES AND THAT’S TOTALLY CHILD SLAVERY, SLAVERY, SO I’M BECOMING A LAWYER TO SUE HER. HERE’S MY STORY: Words by Luke Zounis
I used to do all my chores without question. Dishes, vacuuming and washing the car were all regular occurrences. And I was damn good at all the things I had to do. That didn’t mean I wanted to do them, however. How dare my mum try to ruin my six-hour Need for Speed session. But then one day in year nine changed my life forever. Halfway through year nine my homeroom teacher retired and was replaced by a moronic devil spawn of a teacher. This she-demon would always tell me off for talking, but her being a demonic being, I didn’t think she was aware of our laws. So, one day I found the UN Rights of a Child and found I had a right to free speech. I informed her of this, and she didn’t tell me off for the rest of the semester. Amazed at how well this worked out, I was borderline drunk on my newfound power. I wondered if there was a way I could get out of all the housework I had to do. So once again I consulted with my new best friend the UN. And guess what? I found out that child slavery was illegal. ILLEGAL! Imagine my disgust when I found out. Instead of confronting mother dearest I plotted ways to get my revenge. Murder? Too drastic. Run away from home? Ditto. And then it hit me. Sue her. Become a lawyer and sue her for every penny she has. Turns out my grand plan also had another benefit – getting mum off my back about my future career. She was very supportive of my newfound career choice, thinking it much better than being an engineer like I originally wanted to be. For the rest of my time in high school I dedicated myself to getting into law. And now here I am. Learning how to do all the law stuff, I will soon get my revenge. Just like I did on that she-demon in year nine.
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What Comp are you? A Quiz by Rachel Neef Did Competitions registrations close for another year, but you’ve found your indecisiveness (read: high-functioning anxiety) prevented you from picking the compof your dreams? Have no fear, your AULSS Competitions Director is here (and writing this during gremlin hours). Question 1: You find out your best friend’s boyfriend has cheated on her, you: Choose a side, research all the details and present your bffs case to anyone who will listen (4 points) Track him down and interrogate him (3 points) Sit your best friend and her boyfriend down in a room and try to reach an amicable agreement over who gets to keep the Netflix password (2 points) Ask your friend 100 questions about what happened and how she wants to move forward before giving her your advice (1 point) Question 2:
Question 4: A first year asks you for Torts notes you: Lecture them on academic integrity and the importance of creating your own notes (4 points) You don’t have any Torts notes, you winged the exam (3 points) Ask them to set you up with their sexy, older med student sibling in exchange (2 points) Send them through ASAP,include your Foundations of Law notes and tell them to ask you any questions if you get stuck (1 point) Question 5: If you had a superpower it would be: Shapeshifting (4 points) Mind Reading (3 points) Invisibility (2 points) Flying (1 point) Question 6: You enjoy spending your time away from Ligertwood by: Time away from law school? Not a thing. (4 points) At the gym, making those gains (3 points) Playing video games (2 points) Creative outlets; singing, dancing, painting (1 point)
Friday night your drink of choice is: Scotch (4 points) Beer (3 points) Tequila (2 points) Red Wine (1 point) Question 3:
Tally your points: 20 + points: Open Moot 15-19 Points: Witness Examination 10-14 Points: Negotiations 6 - 10 Points: Client Interviewing
Your law school crush is: Matthew Stubbs (4 points) David Plater (3 points) Marg Castles (2 points) Alex Jones (1 point)
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LOVE SICK: A poetic love letter to COVID-19
I haven’t been able to get my mind off you for days; I keep wondering where you are and who you are with; Wondering when you will finally notice me; Some call it obsession, some call it fear; I call it love sickness.
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LIGGY LOVE LETTERS It all started with that giggle, that damn giggle! His imposing stature, Clark Kent glasses and immaculate dress sense. It’s all great, all of it. But when you get to know him deeper, and find out this studious distinction killer is actually a softy at heart. You melt me in ways I’d be happy to show you back stage at the little theatre... Nicholas Garbas I love you! Sincerely JC x Help! I’m in love with the former President of the AULSS and she wasn’t at Super California’s reopening on the weekend. I’ve never felt so crushed in my life. To the guy with the really really thick eyebrows, and the cute snoz, haven’t seen you around much this year? Wondering where you’ve been, you’re not in liggy playing Pokémon with your friends anymore and I miss staring at your dreamy dreamy caterpillar eyebrows. Come back soon wog man xx Rory Clarks alluring voice and luscious locks make me hope that he points something other than his camera at me
Rachel, my baby girl, the love of my life. The only competitions you will be running this year are the ones between me and everyone else. To the taste baguette guy, Who always makes my chai, You’re really fucking fly, Use cow milk I will die. Edward De Luca you are the Kath to my Kel My safe word is legislation ;)
How am I supposed to establish a relationship with MG over Zoom?? Just wanna make a contract of our own. Can I just say that Belal is my heart and, quite possibly, my soul. Thank you. There’s a man I see in Liggy, Greek and hunky like Alexander the Great. His lair is the Liggy basement, but that’s not the basement I hope to find him in. This basement would be his Kingdom. If Alexander was called King of Macedon, Panagiotis is King of MaceDOM. I will submit to his rule, he will be my DIRECTOR, and he will give me a formal EDUCATION on his sexpectations. My body is Persia - your next conquest. XOXO Liggy Girl
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TO ALL THE LAW BOYS IVE LOVED BEFORE Words by Christiana Michaels
Hello fellas. If you’ve seen the title to this piece and started to sweat a little in fear that I’ll mention you, relax. To clarify, I certainly will, but only in a discrete and convoluted codex that only we and a few selective friends will understand. Let the games begin. We all know that the dating scene within Ligertwood is pungent with regret, gossip, and constant reminders of adventures at the stadium seating outside Law Ball. Like the exploits of Kakavas in the Crown Casino [2013] HCA 25, it typically ends disastrously (being an incestuous cohort as by-product of overlapped double dipping). So, what is the attraction to fellow law students? Why do we continue to do this to ourselves after reiterating it’s the ‘last time’? Perhaps it’s the illustrious daydream of two legally superior and academic individuals becoming a united force of managing partners. Maybe it’s the supposably ironic swipe right after seeing a ‘law student’ reference in a Tinder bio. It could even be an underlying attachment to high school paradigms that correspond with the convenience of place, age, and aligned politics. Whatever the cause, one thing is clear: the ongoing search for our very own law school Peter Kavinsky has resulted in the line-up of assholes young men who have captured our hearts, and personally played into my GOG (Greek Orthodox Guilt). First, we have the encounters that are predominantly intoxicated mistakes, occurring in the dark depths of Loverboy, or the Riverbank after a steamy evening in the RCC’s Neon Forest. Although these incidents are harmless for our hearts, they are detrimental for our reputation, dignity and lecture seating selection.
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Gotta kiss a few Young Liberals before you find your prince, right? Then, the large quantity of seminar babes. Although these are never successfully acted upon, there’s nothing like the feigned surprise when these fetching individuals are in a very selectively enrolled 2pm Equity seminar. Hello, you. The relationship peaks at the acceptance of a friend request and the exchanged drunken hug when seeing each other on a night out, only to never interact again. Finally, there’s that one we (and, by extension, Co-star) hate to love. They linger at the forefront of law love life, always weaving their way back into our cold, suppressed heartstrings. This one embodies the social disadvantages and reputation of single-sex education with women, yet miraculously causes rational academic minds to shrink into blank recklessness through a single Snapchat. An endless battle to shake them off, it makes their inhabitancy in level two of the library an inconvenient experience for the heart. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. Now don’t get me wrong, we all know success stories with a pending prenuptial agreement walk amongst us. I just have no doubt there is an additional flavour of discomfort for some as the breakdown of de-facto relationships is discussed with an ex and current girlfriend in the room. Moreover, some of us have indeed tried dating outside the four walls that unite us, only to discover the world is alternatively filled with men studying human movement who insist they will eventually transfer into physiotherapy (and never do).
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So, law boys, although the concept of romantically addressed letters comes in the form of my poorly curated Instagram story replies as a form of flirtation, the intention is virtually identical. You are detrimentally irresistible, and make the necessity of social distancing an impossible task. Interested in being the last one on the list? Slide in the DMs.
Law School love advice Tips and tricks for finding your law-bae Whether you are a fresh faced first year who has been caught off guard by that cute, shy classmate who has clearly (somehow) done all the readings and always lets you read off their laptop… or a mature and worldly final year student who is a little too eager for the fresh meat of Liggy (you know who you are), the Hilarian’s Law School Love Advice has a solution for you. For our first edition, we will be providing tips and tricks to catch the eye of that special someone in liggy. 1. Find out where they study: yes, this might actually mean hitting the books before that last minute SWOTVAC rush and hanging around the library to keep an eye out for your law-bae. Pretty sure they study at home or even worse, in the hub? Don’t worry, we have some alternative solutions for you. Advice from our love expert: — creepily stalk them after the lecture until you find their natural habitat 2. The stalk: forget about your ordinary Facebook or Insta stalk, you’re a law student and as any good law student you need to make sure your law-bae is the best match for you. Hitting up law-bae on none other than LinkedIn will show you all you need to know to confirm your long lasting professional compatibility. 3. Opening party: yes, that’s right! The perfect way to chat to your law-bae is in a relaxed and social environment. Hot tip - don’t hit the beers too hard. You want to impress law-bae with your 22
cool and casual demeanour. Don’t be afraid to flex those social skills and say ‘hi’ to literally every person that arrives at the event, this will impress law-bae because they will see your popularity and most importantly your networking skills in action. Advice from our love expert: — stand behind them until they notice you and talk to you — try not to get a restraining order 4. Law ball: the most important social event on the law school calendar. THIS is your time to shine. If you’re still looking for the right opportunity to go for it, this is the night. Whether it’s at pre-ball drinks, on the d-floor, out the back on the Adelaide Oval stands, or in the most romantic of places: the bathroom line up. With a bit of liquid courage, tonight is the night to profess your love for law-bae, alternatively, try not to get kicked out before saying “hi”. 5. SWOTVAC: You have seen law-bae at their best, now, you see them at their worst. Show lawbae your intellectual skills by suggesting a study group with mutual friends, or alternatively, be extremely distracting in the silent areas of the law library (yes you know who you are). Either way, you will definitely catch law-bae’s attention. Advice from our love expert: — awkwardly stand by the printer until a cute girl comes along 6. Quarantine: Let’s be honest. In the wake of COVID-19 desperate times call for desperate measures. You may no longer be able to stalk bae or follow them around at your favourite law school social events. The only solution is to get down on one knee and ask your law-bae “Will you quarantine with me?”
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THE 7 TYPES OF SEMINAR LEADER YOU’RE LIKELY TO MEET Words by Grace Jin
1. The Hot Mess
3. The Chatterbox
At exactly 11 minutes past the hour, the Hot Mess will fluster into the room, wind-swept and apologising profusely, shirt untucked and probably clutching their third coffee. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion, but with less tragedy and more hilarious, endearing devastation. Somebody please save this poor soul by finally teaching them how to exit full screen.
The Chatterbox is passionate and a little bit kooky – there’s about a 50/50 chance they pair business casual with sneakers. By the second seminar you’ll know their favourite bars along Peel Street, and all their kids by name. If you’re desperately searching for the best staff member to tentatively connect with on LinkedIn, this is the one. Enthusiastic and outgoing, this seminar leader undoubtedly has character. They’re also usually a bit of a comedian, whether they know it or not (read: make sure the humour was intended before you laugh).
2. The Philosophic Diplomat
4. The Ambitious High-Achiever
This seminar leader will probably ruin your life. You thought you had a clear, clean-cut understanding of the law? Hahaha. Considerate, easy-going and non-judgemental, a Type 2 will calmly and warmly cause you to question everything after they inevitably veer off on a philosophic tangent halfway through the seminar. They were probably Socrates in a past life, and now you’ve decided to give up corporate law for jurisprudence.
Ah, the type most frequently misunderstood. At first instance, you may wallow in self-pity at how intimidating your seminar leader is, forced to read through your course outline when you heard your best mate’s seminar consisted mainly of high quality bants. Why is this staff member so serious all the time? It’s only when exam season hits you that you realise your notes are flawless, and that your seminar leader set you up perfectly for that ever-elusive HD. Plus, I’ll bet if you manage to crack that shell you’ll find the centre’s soft after all.
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5. The Parental Figure
7. The Godsend
Honestly, this one’s a bit of a guardian angel. Patient and genuine, you immediately feel comfortable and confident in their presence. If you’re not usually one for class participation, you may find you’re surprisingly willing to contribute in this seminar. Encouragement and support roll off in metaphorical waves. Your only fear is the same nightmare from school, where you zone out only to snap back into focus and, in a moment of confusion and abject horror, accidentally call the teacher “mum”. Yeah… time to enrol into a different seminar.
Helpful, reliable and sincere, the Godsend is the holy grail of seminar leaders. Just looking at their pre-prepared slides makes you weep; what beauty! What grace! They’re organised and concise, and for once you actually have a clue what’s going on. Explanations are logical and clear, and they answer all your questions in a way you understand. What an icon; all types of seminar leaders have their strengths and deserve appreciation, but under duress, you’ll probably admit that this type’s the real MVP.
6. The Heartthrob Dreamboat Careful; this one’s a charmer. Effortlessly friendly and helpful, you lament how someone can be so kind and captivating at the same time. If you’ve copped a Type 6, congrats, but let me warn you that this may simultaneously be the best and worst semester of your life. On the one hand, jackpot! You get to moon over pretty doe eyes while learning the law. On the other, you’re probably too busy checking fingers for rings to pay too close attention to the coursework – alas, this one is married.
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TAG YOURSELF: MANDATORY Words by Maddie McShane
Mandatory seminars really are a unique experience. They draw students out from whe of their computer screen and comforted s by the resounding lull of Echo360 and throw class is often a hodgepodge mix of characters from genres so disparate there is seriou may be, the bonds formed over the torture of forced interactive learning have a way of friendships that are formed in the Tuesday afternoon lull of a 2pm seminar.
Prepared Paula As a mature-aged student, her genuine interest for the class content is completely unrivalled. Always early and always with all of the preparation in print, she’s ready for anything, and loves to let the seminar leader know as much. Don’t worry, she will not hesitate to speak loudly and clearly about anything that she does not understand, either. Despite this, she is a great conversationalist, and the mid-class break turns out to be just the right amount of time to hear about the weekend cricketing successes of her youngest, Tommy. Stoner Stephen Not quite sure what subject this is, but very proficient in the art of conjuring answers when called upon by seminar leaders. He’ll bring a super nice Macbook to class but likely let it sit unopened on his desk, in favour of staring vacantly into space. While he won’t talk to you unprompted, and is apprehensive to make eye contact for more than a second and a half, if you happen to run into him in at the West Oak in the early hours of a Friday morning, this man will embrace you like you are his closest and most valued friend in the entire world who he has not seen in years. Trendy Tayla She’s stupidly fashionable. There’s no way she hasn’t got a social media following more substantive than the collective attendance of the law school. It is extremely unclear how she can look ready for a modelling shoot after hurriedly climbing three flights of stairs to scoot from the Braggs to Liggy in a matter of minutes, but somehow, she does, and had time to grab a coffee from St. Raph’s on the way (in a keep cup, too!). She seems to have everything in the world to say about trimesters, lawyer x, and how it’s so completely shit that Groovin the Moo has been canned, but just don’t ask her about her seminar answers, she might start crying.
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Y SEMINAR CLASS EDITION
ere they lay comfortably in the inner folds of their couch, illuminated by the glow w them into the bright backroom of an asbestos-filled building. Put together, the us deliberation as to how the same degree is being studied. But, as brief as they transcending any predetermined social boundaries. This is an ode to the fleeting
Sweaty Sam He is a chronic wearer of graphic tees with references to TV series’ a minute proportion of the population understands. He spends most of the seminar trying to convince those around him that he totally hasn’t spent 6 hours preparing for the seminar, and the other portion of the seminar trying to subtly demonstrate to the teacher that he most definitely has. Far too invested in politics to be able to trivially joke about the state of affairs, he turns out to be a fantastic listener to your legitimate political concerns. Also, he knows the course outline better than the teacher and can absolutely run you by everything involved in the next assignment. Dropout Danni The sort of person that enjoys telling the class a little about herself. She’s definitely done the pre-reading and is completely cool if you have a quick peep at her notes. She’s on her third degree, works two jobs, has travelled the world twice over and is like, totally down to do coke with you (if you’re, like, into that, man.) She seems really dedicated to working on your group project all the way up until week 4, when she stops coming to class, never to be seen again. Six months later you catch word that she has moved to Melbourne and is studying French.
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THE SIGNS AS LAW STUDENTS
AQUARIUS: (JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18)
ARIES: (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19)
ROCKS UP TO LIGGY WITH THE QUIRKIEST OUTFITS MOST LIKELY VOTES FOR THE GREENS AND WANTS TO GO INTO ENVIRONMENTAL LAW
FINDS A NEW LAW BOY/GIRL TO CRUSH ON EVERY WEEK WILL CUT YOU OFF MID SENTENCE IN THE NEGOTIATIONS COMPETITION
GEMINI: (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
LEO: (JULY 23 – AUGUST 22)
WILL TRY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE WEIRDEST SHIT DURING CLASS
BECAUSE THEY LIKE ATTENTION
FLIRTS WITH THE WHOLE LAW SCHOOL INCLUDING ELLIE THE LEXSALUS MASCOT DOG
SCORPIO: (OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21)
GETS EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THE HYPOTHETICAL CHARACTERS IN ASSIGNMENT PROBLEM QUESTIONS HIGH KEY GETS HURT WHEN A MARKER REKS THEIR ASSIGNMENT
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KNOWS THE HOOK UPS THAT WENT DOWN AT LAW BALL ASKS QUESTIONS IN LECTURES/SEMINARS
TAURUS: (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)
USES THEIR RESTING BITCH FACE TO SCARE OFF THE OTHER MOOT TEAM “WANNA SKIP THE LECTURE TO GET FOOD?”
HOROSCOPES BY ANGELICA BOLLELLA
CANCER:(JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
ASKS EVERYONE WHAT GRADE THEY GOT ON THE ASSIGNMENT CAUSE THEY NOSEY AF TALKS TO THE LECTURERS/SEMINAR LEADERS WHEN CLASS FINISHES TO SUCK UP
CAPRICORN: (DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19) ACTUALLY DOES THE SEMINAR PREP THINKS THEY’RE TOP SHIT BECAUSE THEY’VE DONE A CLERKSHIP
LIBRA: (SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22)
HIGHKEY HATES CONFRONTATION AND WANTS EVERYONE TO GET ALONG (DRE IS OBVIOUSLY THEIR BEST SUBJECT)
SAGGITARIUS: (NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21)
VIRGO: (AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22)
PISCES: (FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20)
“I’VE BOUGHT 5 DIFFERENT LAW BALL OUTFITS, I JUST CAN’T DECIDE!”
SUPER ORGANISED AND ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE COURSE
WILL HAPPILY SHARE THEIR NOTES WITH YOU 29
TAKES 10 HOURS TO WATCH A 2-HOUR LECTURE WILL GET ANGRY IF YOU TELL THEM THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE 5 COFFEES FROM ST RAPH’S IN ONE DAY
FINISHES ASSIGNMENTS WAY BEFORE THEY ARE DUE CAN BE FOUND IN THE BOTTOM FLOOR OF THE LAW LIB CRYING
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5 REASRONS JAPRIS ARE SUPERIOR TO JORTS: Words by Sofia Arlotta
Lately, I’ve noticed that jorts have been making a comeback around the law school. This comeback is unnecessary and has upset me for many reasons, leaving me wondering why japris (jean capris) aren’t in the limelight instead.
4. They own their virginity Many think that when the denim goes below the knee but above the ankle virginity intensifies, but this is a common misconception. Both jort and japris wearers are virgins - the difference: the japris wearer is just more upfront about their 1. They’re breezy virgin status. And there is nothing sexier than Give me an example of when you’ve seen a tight confidence - especially when paired with a fresh japris? You can’t. Your circulation will seriously New Balance shoe tied in a crisp double knot. thank you. 5. You can wear them in the Vatican 2. They accommodate to the unpredictability of That’s right - just like paedophilia the japris Adelaide’s weather length is accepted in the Catholic Church. We all know the feeling too hot for jeans, too cold for shorts. Japris is the perfect solution. 3. They’re a bit culty When I think of Japris my brain thinks cult - and hey! Who doesn’t like to be apart of something? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that 75% of Waco members owned at least one pair of japris.
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ONCE UPON A TIME IN LIGERTWOOD Words by Will Broderick 33
For
the second time in his illustrious and trailblazing career, a Quentin Tarantino-penned script, this one for his tenth and supposedly final film, has been leaked online and subsequently devoured by cinephiles worldwide. After this happened with his script for The Hateful Eight in 2014, the director apparently kept the script for his recent hit Once Upon a Time in Hollywood locked away in a safe to prevent a recurrence. This tactic has not succeeded this time, with the new script leaked online and exclusively picked up in a collaboration between The Hilarian and our sister paper in Los Angeles, The Hollywood Hilarian. The script reveals that for the first time in his career, Tarantino is tackling courtroom drama and law school frivolity and features some familiar faces in what appears to be a spoof of his most recent work, entitled: ‘Once Upon a Time in Ligertwood’. The Hilarian can now reveal an excerpt from the script, and will endeavour to publish as much of it as we can until Tarantino and Sony Pictures inevitably sue us. Enjoy! Once Upon a Time in Ligertwood Written by Quentin Tarantino Ext: Adelaide Law School’s Ligertwood Building, sometime during Semester One. The sun is setting as daredevil nonimmunocompromised students stream out of their final class for the day.
Enter Steve ‘The Commodore’ Dales, Royal Australian Navy (Retd.), a passionate and bythe-book law lecturer with a past that literally everyone knows about because he won’t let them forget. Steve (fearful): Matty, I need your help. The Dean’s not gonna let me lecture International Law this semester. Matty (taken aback): Why the fuck would she do that? You’re one of the brightest and most dedicated academics this university has. They could do anything to you, drop a fucking building on you for all you care. But stop you from lecturing? That ain’t cool with me, man. Steve (tears welling in eyes): Matty, I don’t know what to do, man. All I know is I can’t just sit around here drinking whiskey sours and cornering first years into conversations about Timor Leste, Iraq, or the law of the sea. Matty: Why the hell not? You’re Steve fucking Dales and don’t you forget it. You’re the Commodore! Goddamn war hero! You can’t let no Academic Dean or beaner bronco buster tell you want you can and cannot do and especially what you can and cannot teach. Matty gets out of his chair and turns to his office window, gesturing at the departing students.
Int: The somewhat-shabby office of Matty StubbyHolder, one of the Law School’s rogue academics with a healthy disrespect for authority, a quick wit, and a mysterious past.
Matty (pleading but enraged): Without you, do y theythink anyone else could meet the real-life Dan Caffey or learn from someone with actual international legal experience rather than some bureaucratic bookworm?
A knock on the door interrupts Matty from angrily writing an email to the University about why he should be allowed to use the microphone cube despite coronavirus.
Steve momentarily gathers himself. Matty’s words are beginning to sink in.
Matty: What the fuck do you want?
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Matty: Now you know not to cry in front of the Mexicans, but you should especially know not to cry in front of me. Now let’s go see the Dean and sort this situation out!
Steve (resolutely): Yeah, you’re right man. Let’s smash this injustice like I single-handedly smashed Saddam in ’03! Matty (somewhat awkwardly): Yeah! Or like Donoghue should’ve smashed that ginger beer bottle. Matty collects his leather jacket and follows Steve out of the office. END SCENE In terms of initial literary / legal criticism, it’s clear that Tarantino, master though he is, has yet to depart with some of the idiosyncrasies of his previous film. We at The Hilarian will do our best to provide more excerpts for QT’s…interesting choice for his alleged farewell to cinema. More to come.
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LOCAL LAW STUDENT CONFUSES NEPOTISM AND NECROPHILIA Words by Sofia Arlotta
Fifth year law student Jimmy is apprehensive about his impending graduation and finding a job, since the only way seems to be through nepotism. He, like many others, always thought of law school as a “fucking cult”, but for different reasons to most of his peers. Jimmy asked fellow fifth year Lachlan how he got that judge’s associateship and was more than disappointed to hear the response. “The way everyone does it mate nepotism!” “I know it’s common but I just don’t think I could get a job that way,” said Jimmy. “I just don’t know why it’s such a big thing in the law profession, especially since it’s such a male dominated industry. The fact that I’d probably have to do ‘it’ with a dude is way too much for me. That’s one of the reasons I support women in the law.”
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Jimmy doesn’t understand how people continue getting jobs with their dads. He concludes his family must just be a bit different and not really into that stuff. Jimmy has decided to extend his degree a year.
A letter from a dedicated reader on the recent crisis.
Dear Mr. Xi Jingping, Seriously?! Like what the fuck? You and your communist ‘comrades’ have gone too far this time. Creating a global pandemic and dismantling the global economy just so you can swoop in and establish communism - not cool. It’s obvious and I don’t get why more people aren’t talking about it. COVID19 and communism both start with the letter ‘C’ and Lenin was the leader of the Soviet Union from 1917-1924 (this includes the year 1919 and 19 is the number stated next to COVID). Facts. I bet you think this is funny sending us all into a recession. There’s just one tiny and by that I mean BIG - flaw in your plan Mr Jinping: the market actually regulates itself like it did in 2007-2009. The jokes on you because the market had a go, so the market will get a go. Even if this wasn’t the case your plan backfired anyway. People are buying like loads of stuff and stores have never been busier. Also an article came up on my Twitter saying that Coles is hiring 5000 new casual workers so unemployment rates are going to be way down and people will be able to continue to stimulate the economy without any government intervention. Result. If I have one thing to say it’s, good try PRC, but we’re not about to have this economic system we’ve spent hundreds of years constructing brought down by a single microscopic cell. Regards, Ima Cuck
CARTOONS BY LACHIE R. BLAIKIE
Perverted legal academics: ‘Yesss! Add more convoluted rules, that’ll punish the students’
AGLC 4
‘Footnote fetish’
I WANT MY LIFE BACK. 39
GUEST EDITORIAL: PRESUMPTIVE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE JOE BIDEN Words by Rory Clark
Listen here Jack, it is, first and foremost, the highest honor to be asked to guest edit The Hilarian’s first issue for 2020. Hell, I think I worked with a woman called Hilarian or Hilaria or Hilly or something, she was a pretty swell broad, and you can take that to the bank, buckaroo. You can tell ‘em Joe sent ya. Lemme tell ya, there’s no better time to develop an interest in print journalism than Law School. Heck kiddo, people will try to tell ya that journalism’s a dying medium. This is, as we Irish say; Malarkey. You typewriter poindexters are gonna have a whole new set of stories and yarns to spin this coming decade, and I’ll tell ya why, cowpoke. We face an unprecedented decade, which makes sense because just about every damn decade is unprecedented these days. When I was a kid in Scranton, Pennsylvania, every decade was exactly the same as the one that came before. I remember I once mistook the 80’s for the 60’s and spent the whole decade trying to bum reefers off college kids as a result. Hell, I even remember getting down on the Senate floor around about ‘96, slapping Mitch McConnell on the back and saying “listen Skip, we gotta do something about the tragic, ever-repeating passage of history.” Mitch chose that moment to take a toilet break. Didn’t see him again ‘til 2011. But anyhoos, as
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President, I will continue to slap Mitch McConnell. Hell, I’ll pound the life out of that lyin’ dog-faced pony soldier until he’s nothing but tomato purée, and I give my word as a Biden. Novel Coronavirus has brought radical changes to our day-to-day lives on a scale unseen since the Second World War, and there has never been a greater need on everyday citizens to unite under a shared goal. When I was a kid in New Castle County, Delaware, we didn’t call it ‘Coranavirus’. We called it the Colorado Canker, and the only remedy was to get naked, wrap yourself in cow skin, down a half-gallon of soursop moonshine and sleep in a cornfield under the full moon for a whole night. Can you imagine that? The entire population of Butte, Montana wrapped in the still-steaming skin of their cattle and rolling around shickered in a cornfield. This is the kind of large-scale civic responsibility needed to weather this storm. Listen Buckaroo, there’s a man in the White House who’s disrespect for our democracy and our allies abroad threatens everything we hold dear as Armenians, and it’s my deeply held belief that every challenge we face begins with his removal from office and undoing the division and discord his administration has created. It needs to get done before the fabric of our great flag is ripped apart, and a ban gets slapped on drop biscuits with gravy. It is for this reason I, Joseph R. Biden, believe myself to
be the best candidate to defeat Barack Obama come November’s Missouri gubernatorial election. As my old boss Barry used to say, ‘Joe, what the fuck did you do to the Resolute Desk?” Barry always loved a joke. Faithfully, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
THE ULTIMATE TOILET PAPER CRISIS SURVIVAL GUIDE WORDS BY MADDIE MCSHANE
If you’ve opened your eyes within the last month or so, you’re probably aware that Australia is currently facing an incredibly pressing national emergency; the toilet paper crisis. Ever since it became the unanimous consensus among those over 40 that loo paper is the most critical of any emergency material in the midst of a world epidemic, the toiletry aisles of Woollies and Coles have resembled barren wastelands. But as they say, it is from suffering that innovation is birthed, and so here are five potential alternatives to TP that may just help you paddle your way out of shit creek. 42
1.
Get around bidets
4.
There is almost no more logical route to asscleaning than the fantastic plumping installation which is basically an intense shower for your anus. While they’ve never really gotten off the ground here in Aus, a staggering proportion of the Asian and European population swear by bidets as being just as vital to hygiene as brushing your teeth. 2.
(Naked) Water Sports
Don’t have the cash to install a new bidet right now? Fair. I guess that means it’s time to make use of the wonderful waterways around us. Some rope, a boat, and perhaps a water ski or two at a pace can effectively transform any substantial water body into an outdoor bidet. Exposing your bare bum to the wild waters of the world is not only cleansing, but great fun too. The Adelaide Uni Water Ski Club is always looking for new members. 3.
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
Just because some man on the television decided we all need to wipe our asses with premium softwood fibres doesn’t mean he is right. Really, anything can be toilet paper if you want it to be. Now’s the time to give your wardrobe that deep cleanse you’ve always been talking about. Charities are great and all, but before you rush off with your bag full of ugly, never-to-be-wornagain clothes to be put in the back room of the local Salvos, perhaps consider where they might be better used. Cut ‘em up and pop them beside your loo, you might find your old shirt to be a better wiper than Kleenex ever could be.
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Get in touch with nature
There are few things in life more freeing than openly taking a dump in the wilderness. This weekend why not head camping and experience that feeling of liberation as you use a fistful of leaves to clean yourself up. Or better yet, perhaps you could opt for the but little shuffle dogs do after they go. Pro-tip: moss is one hell of an ass wipe. 5.
Just don’t shit
There’s lots of ways you can get constipated, especially if you are one of those lucky people that is terribly intolerant to dairy. Ice-cream time! Certain medications like antidepressants and antacids can also halt the bowel from doing its thing, so remember to keep up with your meds. If your digestive system is still unfortunately operative, it might be time to look inwards and take up Inedia, the spiritual belief system in which only light, not food, is necessary for survival. The practise of ‘living on air’ is becoming really big among vegans and animal activists, so if you own a pair of Birkenstocks, this may be your calling. Not only will you have no need for shitting and henceforth, toilet paper, but who knows, you might even have a spiritual revelation.
DID THE SIMPSONS PREDICT COVID-19? Words by Joana Stankevicius Ever heard the conspiracy theories the animated sitcom The Simpsons predicts the future? The Simpsons has predicted the outcomes to a weird amount of events, and now, it’s thought the possibility of the coronavirus pandemic was also predicted. After running for almost 30 years, it seems highly possible a real life event could be alluded by the show long before it actually happens. What is weird though is the staggering number of events which have been predicted with starling accuracy. What could the show have possibly predicted? In season 11 episode 17, The Simpsons predicted Donald Trump’s Presidency 16 years before it came to fruition. Not convinced? Season 6 episode 19 came out in 1995 and introduced the idea of a phone as a watch. Nearly 20 years later, the Apple Watch was released. Maybe these are just coincidences, but the specificity of these events is a little bit suss. Perhaps Oscar Wilde was really onto something by saying life imitates art. With the global pandemic being all the talk, it only makes sense someone has done the digging and found a 1993 episode predicted Coronavirus. Season 4 episode 21 announces the fear of the ‘Osaka Flu’, showing a Japanese factory worker coughing into packaging, infecting all of Springfield as a result. Whilst this alone might be a bit of a reach, and is one
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of the less accurate predictions, it doesn’t end there. Not only was the coronavirus predicted, but also the quarantine of Tom Hanks, his isolation predicted in 2007. This prediction occurred in the notorious Simpsons Movie, where Hanks took part in an advertisement and told the audience “the US government [had] lost its credibility so it [was] borrowing some of [his]… this is Tom Hanks saying, if you see me in person, please, leave me be”. Some regard this scene as a prediction of Hanks’ having to go into quarantine. While all of this might be seen as a huge leap, is there really such a thing as too many coincidences? Or is this just subliminal social engineering and mass media mind influence where The Simpsons control the future. Whatever the answer may be, the response of the writers is they are all very smart, with most of them being Harvard educated. They see themselves as futurologists and look into future events to create entertaining episodes. It was said “when many smart people produce a television show, it’s bound to make some chance ‘predictions’, but that sounds a lot like what someone who could predict the future would say doesn’t it?
CROSSWORD
By Cecilia Tran-Pham 46
WORDSEARCH
By Maddie McShane
CORONA SELF CARE Words by Alexander Arthur
COVID-19. The invisible bastard that has made everyone from the bearded millennial at the Ligertwood front desk to your Aunt Karen run for the hand sanitiser, toot paper and pasta faster than Usain Bolt at the 2008 Olympics (as I write she is still speaking to the manager at Cumberland Park Woolies). Retail entitlement aside, the coronavirus pandemic is the biggest public health emergency for a generation; at the time of writing there are more than 1600 cases Australia-wide, and over 300,000 cases worldwide. Its rapidly evolving nature, lack of known cure and mass media coverage has resulted in uncertainty and confusion, so here is a short list of tips to take care of yourself during the foreseeable future. 1. Focus on what you can control – Viktor Frankl once said that “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.” Some examples are: •Where you go •Who you spend time with •How you spend your time and money •Your behaviour, mindset and reactions to your thoughts & feelings •How much you sleep •How much you exercise •What you consume By focusing on what you can control, you’re allowing yourself to let go of what you cannot, which allows you to react to situations in a way consistent to your values and massively reduces any stress and anxiety brought about by 48
coronavirus. 2. Practice good hygiene: This means washing your hands with soap and water for twenty seconds, (especially after leaving the house, before eating etc) – the same time as it takes to recite the ratio from Donaghue v Stevenson at para. 580: ‘Who, then, in law is my neighbour? The answer seems to be – persons who are so closely and directly affected by my act that I ought reasonably to have them in contemplation as being so affected when I am directing my mind to the acts or omissions which are called in question. You must take reasonable care to avoid acts or omissions which you can reasonably foresee would be likely to injury your neighbour.’ In short, don’t socialise unless absolutely necessary, practise social distancing and look out for others. Be like Lord Atkin. Don’t be a dickhead. 3. Re-establish your routine if necessary: A routine is essential for self-care as humans crave structure. If you’re struggling with where to start, think about what is working, what isn’t and what you could change. Some examples are: • Study: Check that you have enough space for you to study with natural light and air, where you are unlikely to be distracted. I also use Google Calendar to plan tasks out over the course of a day, and Trello boards to break down tasks into actionable components to avoid overwhelm in light of due dates/any other commitments. Having a solid pair of headphones and a banging Spotify playlist is a lifesaver, leaving more time for Kath & Kim re-runs on Netflix with a bottle of wine. If you
need help, ask on the discussion boards, set up an environment. Whack something like ‘home exercise appointment with your lecturer or tutor or slide into routine’ into Google and see what happens. Now go your smart friends’ inboxes for notes. have a shower beer king, you’ve earned it. • Sleep: Sleep prepares you for the following day, so it’s ideal to go to sleep and wake at approximately the same time consistently. Turning your electronics onto a night mode, avoiding their use for at least 30 mins before bed, avoiding coffee after 3pm, stretching your muscles out help enormously. Your caffeinated soul will thank you. • Have a social life: Just because you’ve defaulted to your most comfortable trackies with coffee in hand does not mean you have to sacrifice interactions with your fellow humans – I love serving a good roast over a Messenger group chat as much as anyone else, but I find picking up the phone drastically lessens the inertia of isolation without having to show your friends your squalid living conditions – now that’s a win-win. • Exercise – Anxious about leg day? Worried that your creatine powder from 2013 will never be finished? Disappointed that you can’t show off your new Lululemon leggings at OrangeTheory? Never fear, gym bros and yoga girls – even going for a 20-minute walk allows you to get out of your head and into your
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4. Try and do something new – Now is the perfect time to take up something that you’ve always wanted to do but have never found the time for. For my family, cooking allows us to de-stress while doing something productive - why not take credit for your culinary skills instead for your DRE assignment? 5. Practice meditation and/or bullet journaling: Not just for hipsters or the ‘gram, these two skills work in tandem by boosting your concentration, emotional regulatory skills, and general satisfaction. Meditation is effectively practised self-awareness and involves nothing more taxing than sitting down and focusing on your breath and present moment with your eyes closed. If this intrigues you, find a quite place to sit, close your eyes and count every breath as you breathe in and out. If you get distracted, pull yourself back to the breath, and repeat for one to ten minutes. There are multiple apps such as Headspace, Smiling Mind and Calm which are beneficial in channelling your inner Zen master when your Italian mother yells at you for drinking a glass of sav blanc during an LSS meeting. Do try it, I promise it helps. Journaling is a little bit different. This is a more
reflective activity that helps put your day and any issues you have into perspective. All you need is an A5 notebook and a pen. What and how you write is entirely up to you, but I always give a paragraph or so about how my day went, five things that went well, five things that could be improved and five things that I was grateful for that day. Focusing on these three areas forces you to reflect with self-compassion, honesty and will help you identify areas that you could improve on – as a way to track your progress towards your goals it can be invaluable. Above all, remember that like everything in life, coronavirus is temporary. However, I believe that it forces us to confront where we are as a society and in life - one thing that I have learned is that we can choose to be our best selves no matter the challenges that COVID-19 poses because at the end of the day, all we really have is each other.
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THE HILARIAN.
