January/February 2023: Safe and Warm. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) publication

Don’t Eat. Li ve!

Wh e n I c a m e i n to FA , I w a s l o n e l y, s c a r e d , a n d f u l l o f d r e a m s f o r m y l i f e t h a t I co u l d n ’ t s e e e v er co m i n g t r u e b e c aus e o f my we i g h t . I w a s 2 4 y e a r s o l d a n d a ro u n d 3 5 0 p o u n d s . A s m i s e r a b l e a s l i f e w a s a t t h a t s i z e , my m i n d a n d a t t i t u d e m a d e i t wo r s e.

Fo o d h a s b e e n m y f r i e n d s i n c e c h i l dh o o d . I r e m e m b e r at a young a ge b eing h o m e a l o n e a n d b o r e d b e c a u s e I co u l d n ’ t g o o u t s i d e , s o I w o u l d e a t . I went b ack a nd for th to t h e r e f r i g e r a to r to f i n d e n te r t a i nment. I w a s a l so ver y s c a re d a s a c h i l d . I w a s s c a re d o f t h e d a r k , n e w env i ro n m en t s , a n d n e w p e o p l e. Yo u n a m e i t a n d i t s c a re d m e. Fo o d h e l p e d to c a l m my f e a r s.

c h a n c e to b e m e a n to m e . I w o u l d b e mean f irst. There w a s one year w hen I w a s a te r r o r to m y te a c h e r s a n d a f e w c l a s sm a te s . My b e h av i o r re f l e c te d h o w I f e l t a b o u t m y s e l f a n d h o w d e s p e r a te l y I w a n te d at ten t i o n.

behavior re ected

I wanted attention.

I d o n ’ t rem em b er a t i m e w h ere I w a s a sm a l l s i ze. I w a s a l w ay s t h e b i g g e s t k i d i n c l a s s . I g o t te a s e d s o m e t i m e s d u e to my bod y size and weig ht, and bec ause of that, I d e c i d e d I w o u l d n ’ t g i v e a n y o n e t h e

When I w a s ten ye a rs old , I moved aw ay f ro m h o m e to at ten d a b o a rd i n g s c h o o l . I l i v e d i n a h o u s e w i t h a f e w o t h e r g i r l s a n d t h i s r e a l l y r o c k e d m e to t h e c o r e . I j u s t w a n te d to b e a t h o m e w i t h m y m o m w h e r e I w a s c o m f o r t a b l e . I co u l d n ’ t us e f o o d to h e l p b e c aus e o n e o f t h e r e s i d e n t i a l co u ns e l o r s w a s l i mi t i n g w h a t I a te to g e t m e to a h e a l t h y we i g h t . It wo r k e d . I l o s t 2 0 p o u n d s t h at s u m m e r, b u t t h e n s h e r e t i r e d a n d t h a t g av e m e f re e re i g n to e at w h ate v er, w h ene v e r. B e c a u s e m y g r a d e s w e r e g o o d , n o o n e e v er b o t h ere d m e a b o u t i t .

I n e v e r w e n t o n d i e t s e xc e p t o n e t i m e w h e n I a s k e d f o r h e l p. I w a s s e n t to a we i g h t- l o s s c a m p a n d l o s t s o m e we i g h t ,

My

how I felt about myself and how desperately

b u t a s s o o n a s I g o t p i c k e d u p, I o rd ere d t h e b i g g e s t b re a k f a s t p o s s i b l e at t h e l o c a l d iner. My e ating continued throug h hi g h s c h o o l . I o f ten l i e d a b o u t my we i g h t b ec a u s e I w a s s o em b a r r a s s e d , a n d t h i s l e d to m e h av i n g to we a r t i g h t u n i f o r m p a n t s b e c a u s e I h e l d m y s to m a c h i n w h e n I w a s being mea sured. I w a s 3 3 0 p o u n d s w h e n I g r a d u a te d f ro m h i g h s c h o o l . C o l l e g e w a s t h e a b s o l u te wo r s t . I ate a n d “ p e o p l ep l e a s e d ” m y w a y t h r o u g h . I w e n t to t h e d i n i n g h a l l a s s o o n a s i t o p e n e d a n d h a d a h u g e b r e a k f a s t , a n d t h e n c o n t i n u e d e a t i n g t h ro u g h o u t t h e d ay. I w a s a l w ay s d i g g i n g i n m y b a c k p a c k f o r l o o s e c h a n g e to u s e a t t h e v e n d i n g m ac h i n e s b et we en c l a s s e s . I h a d t h e l a r g e s t m e a l p l a n a n d t h e m o s t f l e x d o l l a r s o ff ere d , a n d I us e d e v er y m e a l a n d f l e x d o ll a r e v er y s em e s ter. I wo u l d a l s o g o o u t at n i g h t a n d o rd er f o o d w h en t h e n i g h t w a s o v e r. T h a t w a s m y f a v o r i te p a r t . I j u s t

co u l d n ’ t f u n c t i o n w i t h o u t f o o d .

A f te r c o l l e g e , I m o v e d to a n o t h e r c i t y a n d t h at ’ s w h ere I h i t ro c k b o t to m. Me a l d e l i v e r y s e r v i c e s w e re my b e s t f r i e n d s . I could order w hate ver I w a nted , w hene ver I w a n te d . My h i g h e s t w e i g h t w a s 3 6 2 p o u n d s.

O n e d a y, I f o u n d a n o l d p h o n e l i s t from an FA meeting

I h a d a t te n d e d , a n d I c a l l e d o n e o f t h e w o m e n o n t h e l i s t . S h e g a v e m e t h e n u m b e r o f a n o t h e r wo m a n w h o i nv i te d m e to a n i n f o r m at i o n s e s s i o n i n t h e a re a . I re m e m b e r a t t h e en d o f t h e c a l l I s a i d , “ I ’l l t r y to g e t t h e r e . ” S h e s a i d , “ D o n ’ t t r y. Yo u e it h e r d o i t o r y o u d o n ’ t . ” A l t h o u g h I w a s a n n o y e d a t t h e t i m e b e c a u s e I d i d n ’ t have a c a r a nd the t ra in d i d n ’ t go to that hospita l , it w a s exactl y w hat I needed to h e a r. I wen t to t h e i n f o r m at i o n s e s s i o n a n d t h at wo m a n b e c a m e my sp o ns o r.

M , ME

I w i s h I co u l d s ay I w a s t h r i l l e d to s t a r t FA a n d d i d e v e r y t h i n g my s p o n s o r to l d

MEREDITH

I was barely surviving before Program. Now I’m truly living.

m e to, b u t t h at w a s n o t t h e c a s e. I w a s s o a n g r y. I w a s l o s i n g my b e s t f r i en d , f o o d . A n d m y s p o n s o r w a s te l l i n g m e n o t to m a k e a ny b i g d e c i s i o n s d u r i n g my f i r s t y e a r. I w a n te d to d o a t r a i n i n g p ro g r a m to b e co m e a cer t i f i e d f i n a n c i a l p l a n n er. I w a n te d to m o v e to a n e w c i t y. I b el i e v e d t h e s e t h i n g s w o u l d m a k e m e h a p p y. Bu t i t w a sn ’ t a ny t h i n g o n t h e o u ts i d e t h a t n e e d e d to b e f i xe d ; i t w a s t h e i ns i d e t h at n e e d e d to c h a n g e. I to o k t h o s e s u g g e s t i o ns a n d j o i n e d a n AWO L , a n d s l o w l y my l i f e d i d s t a r t to c h a n g e. Th e we i g h t l o s s h e l p e d b e c aus e I g o t m o r e c o n f i d e n c e , b u t m y f a i t h i n Go d g re w , w h i c h re a l l y m a d e t h e d i f f eren ce.

No w I we i g h a b o u t 1 5 5 p o u n d s. I l i v e i n a c i t y t h at I l o v e. I co m p l ete d a n e d uc at i o n “ b o o t c a m p ” i n my f i e l d , a n d I ’ m l o o k i n g f o r a h i g h e r - l e v e l p o s i t i o n . I ’ m d at i n g a n d h o p e to h av e a w i f e a n d c h i ld ren o n e d ay. I l o v e b e i n g o f s er v i ce a s a sp onsor a nd doing ser v i ce in ma ny other w ays. I t r ust Go d a nd a m so happy to d ay. This is the l ife I ima g ined a l l those years a g o, a n d i t ’ s b e c a u s e o f G o d ’ s h e l p a n d the Twelve Steps that I get to l i ve this l ife. Th e re ’ s s o m e t h i n g i n t h e FA b o o k t h a t h a s a l w ay s s t u c k w i t h m e. It s ay s , “ D o n ’ t e at . L i v e ! ” I w a s b a re l y s u r v i v i n g b e f o re Pro g r a m. No w I ’ m t r u l y l i v i n g . B ra n d e G. , Ge o rg ia , U S

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.

Twelve Traditions

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively. Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Stressf ul Start

My top weig ht w a s 185 pound s and I stand 5 feet ta l l. I heard about the FA program from a nurse practitioner I wa s seeing for depressi on. I re ached a n a l l-time low w hen I started to practice being bul imic. I adv ised her of w hat I w a s doing and a sked if it w a s norma l. She stared at me in d isbel i ef a nd sug gested that I join a n e ating d isorder supp or t group.

and sugar and my rst thoug ht w a s, ese p eople are o their rockers. e next thought wa s, at can ’ t be health y.

I heard about abstaining om our and sugar

my rst thought was, ese people are o their rockers. e next thought was, at can ’ t be healthy.

I went to my rst FA meeting the following week. I recal l sitting in the parking lot thinking the meeting started at one time and it actual l y started 30 minutes earlier. I walked into the meeting feel ing so uncomfor table, not knowing anyone there or what to expect. I he a rd the woma n at the f ront of the room w ho w a s say ing she had 17 years of abstinence. I had no idea what she was talking about unti l the brea k, w hen I learned more. I heard about abstaining from our

At the end of the meeting , a woma n came up to me and asked if I had a sponsor. I s a i d I d i d n ’ t, but I honestl y w a sn ’ t sure what she wa s tal king ab out. She ha nded me some l iterature a nd a me a l pl a n a nd told me to cal l her at 6:30 the next morning . I thoug ht that there w a s no w ay I w a s going to c a l l someone at that hour.

I w ish I could s ay I w a s abstinent f rom that day for ward, but that is not my stor y. My second chi ld w a s onl y ve ye a rs old , a nd he had a mi l k intolera nce, so I w a s ma king e ver y thing from sc ratch for him, spend ing a lot of time in the kitchen with food.

I st r ug g led at rst, not able to c a l l my sponsor on time, and had trouble stay ing abstinent from our and sugar. I attended

and

meetings reg ularl y, but I could never reach any signi c ant amount of time for recover y. I s at in p a in d ur ing those meetings, wondering what wa s w rong with me that I couldn’t get abstinent.

Sp onsors would d rop me d ue to my inabil it y to get up on time and cal l, or cal l ing to repor t that I broke my abstinence. e constant feel ing of doom and gloom a s it rel ated to b eing abstinent pl a g ued me. I wanted so bad l y to have what these people in my meetings had and couldn’t g ure out how they got there.

Finally, on November 25, 2001, I became abstinent from that day for ward. I have had many days where hard things in life happen, but I have been g ratef ul for being able to lose over 80 p ound s. I use the to ol s that have been prov i ded to me over the years, and am gratef ul to not be eating and wondering what clothes are going to t.

I ne ver had a closet f ul l of clothes, but to d ay I do. I st r ug g led w ith na nces, but today things are not so bad.

I feel blessed to remain abstinent in a nonabstinent household. My f a mi l y d i d n ’ t w a nt to e at the w ay I do a nd I st r ug g led w ith that a s wel l. Howe ver, I w a s able to stack my d ays to gether a nd I a m g ratef ul that I c a n now keep the fo cus on things other than food. I have a clear mind today, and for that I am and will always be grateful.

Kendra P., Texas, US

Twelve Steps

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Desp erate for D isc i pl ine

When I got abstinent in 2015, a n e w - f o u n d d i s c i p l i n e e ntered my l i fe. It is not p ossib l e to s t a y a b s t i n e n t w i t h o u t i t ; e a r l y m o r n i n g sp o n s o r c a l l s , q u i e t t i m e , m e a l preparation, grocer y store trips, vegetable chopping , phone c a l l s, committed meetings, more vegetable chopping you get the i de a . It’s no exa g gerati on that my l i fe to ok a 180-deg ree turn w hen I f ina l l y surre n d e re d to t h e to o l s a n d d i s c i p l i n e s o f FA . B e f o re t h i s p ro g r a m , I w a s e a t i n g u nc o n t ro l l a b l y a n d c o u l d n o t s to p. I h a d been in another Twelve-Step program for f o o d f o r o v e r t h re e y e a r s , t r y i n g to n o t eat. I had sponsors, went to meetings, read b o o k s , l i s ten e d to p o d c a s t s , d i d s er v i c e , j o i n e d A l c o h o l i c s A n o ny m o u s to s to p d r i n k i n g (h o p i n g m a y b e t h a t w o u l d h e l p) , b u t n o m at ter w h at I d i d my f o o d add i cti on onl y got worse.

Thoug h I d i d n ’ t love FA initia l l y, I kne w I could n ’ t go b ack to the other pro g ra m, n o r c o u l d I d o t h e “l o v e y o u r s e l f a t a ny s i z e ” ro u te b e c a u s e I t r i e d . I a te to o pa inf ul l y and abusi vel y to e ver have a shot at lov ing myself.

I v i v id l y remember hav ing 19 d ays of abstinence. I w a s d r i v ing to a meeting , ta l k-

ing on the phone w ith a fel low FA memb er, sha r ing how go o d I fel t. I could n ’ t rememb er the l a st time I made it that long w ithout hur ting myself w ith food. I f ina l l y h a d h o p e . Ho p e t h a t w a s b o r n f ro m a d a i l y s c h e d u l e o f w a k i n g u p, c a l l i n g my sp onsor, re ad ing the Twe nt y-Four Hours a Da y b o o k , t a k i n g q u i e t t i m e , e a t i n g b re a k f a s t , p a c k i n g my l u n c h , g o i n g to w o r k , m a k i n g FA c a l l s , g o i n g to a c o mmitted meeting i f I had one that d ay, e ati n g d i n n er, re a d i n g t wo p a g e s o f t h e Bi g B o ok, a nd getting to b ed e a r l y. This w a s an adjustment, but af ter a w hi le it bec ame second nature.

My l i f e p ro g re s s e d i n a p o s i t i v e w a y. I l e f t a n u n h e a l t hy re l a t i o n s h i p, g o t my ow n ap a r t ment, a nd b ega n to p ay off my debt. I got a ne w job, doubled my income, a n d b e g a n d a t i n g . I s t a y e d i m m e r s e d i n FA . I w e n t to FA c o n v e n t i o n s a n d t r a veled around to stay w ith FA members any cha nce I got. But at some p oint, I got to o b i g f o r my b r i tc h e s a n d w h a t I t h o u g h t w a s a f i r m f o u n d a t i o n b e g a n to s h o w c racks.

Fa s t f o r w a rd to No v e m b e r, 2 0 2 0 . I broke my abstinence due to d ishonest y at restaura nt s a nd a sle w of other b ehav i ors a round my fo o d. I had to stop co-le ad ing

a n AWO L a n d l e t g o o f s p o n s e e s a n d ser v i ce p ositi ons. I had b een l i v ing w ith a questi on a round my abstinence a nd now had a cle a n sl ate. I welcomed the i de a of ext ra time in the morning w ith no sp onsee c a l l s a nd no ser v i ce p ositi ons, w hi ch, l o o k i n g b a c k , w a s a red f l a g . My FA p rog ra m w a s, unb ek n o w n s t to m e , b a s e d o n s e l fw i l l , f e e l i n g b ette r t h a n o t h e r p eople, fe a r, desperatel y w anting a t te n t i o n , a n d fol low ing r ules. I w a n te d to h a v e the most f r i end s a n d t h e b e s t s p o n s o r. Wa s I i n t h e “i n c ro w d? ” My s e r v i c e w a s b a s e d o n a t te nt i o n . D i d t h e y l i k e m e ? Th i n k I w a s s t ro n g ? S m a r t ? O r h o w a b o u t s h a r i n g ? Ho w g o o d d i d I s o u n d a t m e e t i n g s ? Were p eople l aug hing? Do es that p erson w h o c a n ’ t g e t a b s t i n e n t h e a r m e ? Th e y just need to l isten to me. What w a s their p ro b l e m ? Th e y j u s t a re n ’ t t r y i n g h a rd enoug h.

I fel t that I needed p ermissi on f rom my s p o n s o r to d o a ny t h i n g , w h i c h l e f t z e ro ro om for a hi g her p ower. Wa s I bre a king t h e s e f i c t i t i o u s FA r u l e s ? Wo u l d I b e shunned i f I made X decisi on?

When it c a me to my l i fe out si de of FA, p e o p l e a ro u n d

m e j u s t n e e d e d to g e t t h e i r a c t to gether. And i f I w a s n ’ t a ro c ksta r at it, I w a sn ’ t i n te re s te d . Th e h i g h o f a n e w s a l e s j o b w a s e l e c t r i c . I w a s a p p l a u d e d c o ns t a n t l y. I m a na ged to w in a lot o f n e w b u s i n e s s a n d h i t my b o n u s , m a k i n g m o re m o n e y t h a n I ’d e v e r t h o u g h t p o s s ible. I w a s on f ire.

Natural l y, that f ire petered out and I also w a n te d o u t . I b e c a m e a y o g a te a c h e r i n Ju n e 2 0 2 1 a f te r e n s u r i n g I w a s t h e b e s t student in the inst r uctor t ra ining course. I w a s attend ing extra yoga cl a sses, ma king s u re I w a s c o n s t a n t l y c o n n e c te d to t h e o t h er te a c h er s , re a d i n g a l l t h e b o o k s , a lw a y s t h e f i r s t to r a i s e my h a n d , b u t t h a t

SUSAN F , NY

ventua l l y p etered out, to o.

A f te r I b ro k e my a b s t i n e n c e , I a s k e d a woman to sponsor me. She helped me see w hat I just desc r ib ed a nd so much more. It h a s b e en a r u d e aw a k en i n g a n d I h av e b e e n h u m b l e d . No w I h a v e j u s t o v e r a y e a r o f b a c k - to - b a c k a b s t i n e n c e , w h i c h h a s b e e n t h e h a rd e s t o f my re c o v e r y. Tha nkf ul l y, I no longer wonder i f I’m abstinent bec ause of how much protein I ate a t re s t a u r a n t s s i x m o n t h s a g o, b u t a l l t h i s t r u t h h a s c o m e to the sur f ace. I a m s o g r a te f u l t h a t I c o n t i n u e d to s t i c k a ro u n d t h i s p ro g r a m t h ro u g ho u t t h i s t i m e . I s t i l l m a d e p h o n e c a l l s a n d d i d n ’ t e at f l o u r o r s u g a r. I ’ v e g o n e to my c o m m i t te d m e e ti n g s , c a l l e d my s p o n s o r o n t i m e , g o t o n my k n e e s e v er y d a y, a n d m a d e g r at i t u d e l ist s. I’ve kept on this journe y b ec ause of hop e. Hop e that it w i l l get b etter. I think I a lmost understand w hen older members s a y t h a t p u t t i n g d o w n t h e f o o d w a s t h e e a s y p a r t. Almo st.

R ecentl y, the d isci pl ines in my recover y a nd in l i fe have b een b a sed on feel ings. If I don’t feel l i ke exercising that d ay, I don’t. If I don’t feel l i ke doing qui et time in the morning , I’l l do it l ater. If I don’t feel l i ke wor king ti l l 4:30 or 5:00, I’l l stop at 2:00

o r 3 : 0 0 o r b l o w o f f t h e d a y e n t i re l y. If I d o n ’ t f e e l l i k e m a k i n g p h o n e c a l l s , I ’l l ma ke more tomorrow. If I don’t feel l i ke stay ing for a business meeting , I don’t atten d b e c au s e w h o re a l l y c a re s ? If I d o n ’ t w a n t a n o t h e r s p o n s e e t h e n I d o n ’ t r a i s e my ha nd at a meeting .

I n o w h av e a p l a n n e d ro u t i n e a n d , o n e d a y a t a t i m e , h a v e c o m m i t te d to my hi g her p ower to fol low it a s my l i fe situat i o n s p e r m i t to t h e b e s t o f my a b i l i t y.

My s a n i t y a n d c o nte n te d a b s t i n e n c e d e p e n d o n i t . O r I c a n c h o o s e n o t to f o l l o w i t a n d I w i l l suffer consequences.

In i t i a l l y, I w a n te d some sor t of thre at to b e a sso ci ated w ith my c o m m i t m e n t , b u t my s p o n s o r reminded me that I needed int r insi c motivati on f rom a hi g her p ower.

I a m ver y g ratef ul for the d isci pl ine this p ro g r a m g i v e s m e . Th e re i s ze ro c h a n c e t h a t I w o u l d d o e v e n h a l f o f t h i s w o r k w ithout FA . I would l i kel y b e either f ace dow n in the fo o d or t r y ing not to b e f ace d o w n i n t h e f o o d b y a my r i a d o f p a i n f u l metho d s. Lucki l y, I no longer have to f i gure out how to stop e ating or ma na ge my l i f e . I o n l y h a v e to p i c k u p t h e to o l s FA l a i d at my feet.

I no longer have to gure out how to stop eating or manage my life. I only have to pick up the tools FA laid at my feet.

e Dress

When I wei g hed 198 p ound s, I t h o u g h t I w a s h i d i n g my s i ze b y b uy i n g e x p e n s i v e c l o t h i n g I b o u g h t a s i ze 1 X b r i g h t re d s w e a te r a n d t h o u g h t , We l l , w h e n t h e y s e e how b eaut if ul ly cut it i s, t he y won ’ t not ice how b i g I a m ! Th e o n l y p e r s o n I w a s f o o l i n g w a s myself.

The d ay c a me w hen I w a s going to a form a l we d d i n g My d au g h ter w a s a f l o wer g i r l a t h e r b a b y s i t te r ’ s w e d d i n g a n d I w a nted to buy a b e auti f ul f a nc y d ress for myself Unfor tunatel y, I sti l l wei g hed 198 p ound s.

I d e c i d e d I c o u l d n ’ t b uy a 1 X ; I h a d to b uy a s i ze 1 8 to m a k e m e l o o k s l i m m e r There w a s onl y one store in tow n that c arr i e d t h e s i ze I w a n te d . Th e y h a d t h re e d re s s e s t h a t w ere a p p ro p r i a te f o r a w e dd ing .

I h a te d h o w t h e f i r s t t w o l o o k e d , b u t l o v e d t h e t h i rd o n e It w a s a s l e e v e l e s s , f i l my, a nkle-leng th, nav y-bl ue d ress, w ith a b e a u t i f u l b l u e a n d l av e n d e r b ro c a d e jacket I thoug ht I would lo ok l i ke a mi ll i o n b u c k s i n i t . I t r i e d i t o n. D i s a s ter ! It had a si de zi pp er, but I could n ’ t zi p it up. S o I c a m e u p w i t h w h at I t h o u g h t w a s a b r i l l i a n t i d e a . I ’d j u s t w e a r t h e j a c k e t to cover up my f lesh sti cking out the si de.

Al l went wel l unti l we arrived at the wedd i n g . S o m e h o w , I m i s s e d t h e f a c t i t w a s outdo ors at the end of Jul y. It w a s 95 deg re e s a n d 9 5 % h u m i d i t y. Th e re I w a s , s w e a t i n g aw a y, a n d I c o u l d n ’ t t a k e t h e jacket off. What miser y I felt that evening. I t r i ed to put the sha me out of my mind. Howe ver, my hi g her p ower reminded me of that aw f ul experience t wo months l ater w h e n I s aw t h a t a Tw e l v e-Ste p p ro g r a m for compul si ve overe aters w a s sta r ting in my workplace. I attended that meeting for a fe w ye a rs. I lost 50 p ound s in the f irst si x months, but deci ded to cha nge my fo o d pl a n a nd ga ined 15 p ound s. I t r i ed to d i et it off over the next t wo ye a rs, but nothing wor ked. I fel t l i ke I had lost my cha nce.

Then I met someone w ho moved to my to w n a n d c a m e f ro m a n o t h e r Tw e l v eStep pro g ra m in B oston. She b ega n that m e e t i n g l o c a l l y a n d I f o l l o w e d h e r i n to t h a t p ro g r a m . Ev e n t u a l l y, I m o v e d i n to FA when it began and I’ve never lef t. Af ter f i ve months, I wei g hed 127 p ound s.

The promises of the program say that we should not reg ret nor forget the p a st, but I never w ant to forget or regret “the dress.” It got me w here this fo o d add i ct b elongs a nd keeps me here, a l l these ye a rs l ater.

D ona S., F lor id a, US

At War With Fo o d

When I c a me into FA three ye a rs a go, I wei g hed 189 pounds, though that was not my top wei g ht. I w a s ob ese most of my adult l ife, avera ging 220 to 230 pounds at 5-feet, 4-inches tall. When I rst started FA, I thoug ht I would be happy to get to 165 pounds. However, in less than six months, I have achi e ved a weight-loss goal that I would ne ver have ima g ined p ossible. Now I wei g h approx imatel y 134 pound s and I na l l y feel l i ke I a m in a r i g ht-sized b o d y for the rst time since my adolescence. What a n unb el i e vable feel ing.

In the past, each time I tried a ne w or d ifferent d iet, I would start o motivated and compliant but peter out within a few weeks or months. I would lose wei g ht a nd then gain it back and more. I would beat myself up and ask what was w rong with me. Why can ’ t I stop eating? I prayed to my Higher Power for help, but heard onl y si lence on the matter. I o en felt l ike I was as much a

d isappointment to my Hig her Power a s I was to myself. Or I thought that maybe my issue with food was too smal l a matter for God to bother with. Never d id I consider that my issue with food was an add iction.

One day, I found myself shov ing any sugar y food I could nd into my mouth. Even as I told myself to stop, I discovered I could not. I kne w at that moment that I had no power over food, a nd I re a l ized w hat an obsession it was. A f r i end had told me ab out FA a ye a r a nd a ha lf e a r l i er. I saw what it had done for her, but I w a sn ’ t re ad y to ad mit my add i cti on. But that d ay, w hen I sc rounged the cupb o a rd s for one more sugar y item and went out to the store for more, I kne w I had hit bottom. I decided I had to go and check it out. What could it hurt?

I found a sponsor that rst night and got started. I confess that my add ict brain got stuck on Step One for quite a while. In that initi a l “hone y mo on pha se ” of the rst 90

Addiction is a war against my soul, and it is a war I will not win in this lifetime.

ere is no cure. But I can win a daily battle by using the tools of FA.

days, when the plan was working so wel l, I forgot how desp erate I w a s that rst d ay. Although I d id what I was supposed to do, I b ega n to a sk w hether my l i fe w a s re a l l y that unmana geable.

At day 60, I broke my abstinence, which w a s a ver y humbl ing exp er i ence en I broke a ga in a fe w weeks l ater. Each time, my d isea se took me right back to w here I le o , bingeing on sugar I had beg un to think I was cured, that I wasn ’ t real l y a food add ict. I know now that I am. Add iction is a war a gainst my soul, and it is a war I wil l not win in this l ifetime. ere is no cure. But I c a n w in a d a i l y b attle by using the tools of FA e phrase, “just for

to d ay, ” is p ower f ul It do esn ’ t let me get mired in the worr y of how I do this for the rest of my l ife. Ever y day I can claim a v ictor y in that day’s battle

My sponsor is my l ifel ine. She celebrates those v ictories w ith me. She l istens to my doubts and prov ides encoura gement and ad v i ce. e fel lows at my meetings a nd those I sp e a k to on the phone a re understa nd ing a nd encoura g ing e w isdom that comes from the generations of fellows in Twelve-Step recover y ama zes me. It can be trusted Al l I have to do is surrender and commit one hund red p ercent e ach d ay. One day at a time.

GRACE A , ISRAEL

B est-L a i d Pl ans

Ilooked at the tiny refrigerator, caref ully reser ved in advance at the hotel and now f ully stocked, and thought, Fi een meals? Uh-oh!

Ever ything was going so well up until now. is wa s the rst prolonged time my w ife and I had spent outside our home in 17 months, due to circumstances be yond ever ybod y ’ s control. We had to postpone cruises, forego trips to see four of our grandchi ldren, and in genera l spent too much time in the house. I love my home but it was easy to project just how much more I would appreciate it a er a week at the beach. e only possible aw in this plan was that I had joined FA less than a month before, and radically altered my eating patterns.

My sponsor, for some rea son, w a s not wildly enthusiastic about our trip. We spent severa l d ays d iscussing the deta i l s, and it made me think about the l a st time a g irlfriend had broken up w ith me. Wa s this going to end badly? Our trip had been set in something l i ke stone wet cement, at least for nearly six months. My wife needs to have ever y minute detail of a plan worked out, far in advance, before she can sleep at night. is trait has meant a lot of lost sleep for both of us, but now I was appreciating the results, and bragging about them to my

sponsor.

I w a s bring ing a long dr y food s, c anned foods, produce, and an ice chest. I not only had access to the tools of recover y, but I was a l so bring ing my other tool s: mea suring spoon, microwaveable d ishes, can opener, and portable scale. I reassured my sponsor that ever ything was going to be okay. It had to be okay because I was going any way. Day one w a s great. I c a l led my sponsor with my day’s food plan, then ate my abstinent breakfast before we le . At the half way point of the drive, we stopped at a fast-food place so my wife, who does not have food issues, could get lunch. She ordered a meal inside while I prepared mine in the back of the car, weighed and measured. en I brought my containers inside and we ate together at a table. is franchise was ver y hospitable to a non-customer in the company of a paying customer. I even got a free glass of water. e tra c was mana geable (in LA!), the hotel was beautif ul, and the front desk upgraded us to a partial-ocean-view room. At dinner time, I ate my weighed and measured meal, warmed in the tiny hotel microwave. en we went to the restaurant, where my w ife ordered a nice mea l and I sipped an unsweetened beverage and a glass of water while we watched a radiant sunset on Santa

Monica Beach. For once, I got to dominate the d inner conversation w henever her mouth was f ull.

On day t wo, my sponsor call went well bec ause I had stayed abstinent for a f ul l d ay away from home, and I had ever ything on my food list in our hotel room. I ate breakfast in our room while my wife dressed. At the restaurant, I sipped my bevera ge (w ithout s weetener, 100% sponsor approved) w hi le we chatted and my wife ate. Already, I w a s r unning out of things to say to her.

My w ife and I w a l ked on the beach dow n to the boardw a l k. e smell of fried food s from the restaurant and food stands was a little over whelming , but no longer a erce temptation for me. And my wife had never been a fan of fried foods. We found a healthier pl ace a fe w blocks aw ay. My w ife had lunch and I had another hot beverage, then went back to the room for my meal. Mini-fridge, cooler, and microwave were

working ne and I began to feel that, in my sponsor ’ s words, I could take this program any where. e onl y misgiv ings I had were that I w a s getting tired of w atching other people eat at a restaurant.

On day three, we made a few planned visits to friends and a cemeter y and scheduled them bet ween mealtimes. But my produce was getting withered, one food item ran out, and I d iscovered I could not stomach another item for one more day without variet y. I looked at the long v ie w something I had avoided bec ause

I d id not w ant our trip r uined by log ic and began to see the aws in my ma ster plan. Five days meant 15 mea l s, each of them with at least three food items.

at was 45 di erent weights and measures of 45 portions. What was completely manageable at home, with multiple stores a few minutes away, I now recognized as a logistical nightmare. Once again, I was surprised at how quickly I could travel from mild an-

XANDRA G , CA

noyance to f ull- edged panic.

I tried to solve it myself. I asked the waiter at lunch if the chef would prepare a few special dishes if he knew in advance; no sauces, no oi l except for a quick shot of cooking spray, no sugar or our. e man wa s ver y accommod ating , enoug h so that I wondered how many food add icts in recover y had been there before. He even said I could bring my food scale into the restaurant.

Even thoug h he promised f ul l cooperation w ith my food pl an, I had one f ur ther problem. I had not cleared it with my sponsor, and what I would be eating was not precisel y w hat I had committed. at a ernoon, I d id t wo unfami l iar things. I prayed about the problem and I took it to my sponsor.

I c a l led him expecting the worst, being told that I had broken from the pl an, d ismissed a s his sponsee, and doomed to an over weight life and grim death. (Did I mention panic?) I was ver y pleasantly surprised as he explained the concept of an abstinent meal out. I had feared that I was forbidden to eat restaurant food ever again. Instead, I learned that I could, w ith the help of my Higher Power, order simple food without any ingredients not on my plan. My measurements d id not have to be a s precise a s they were at home, but I had to be caref ul not to eat more than my usual portions. My intention, he assured me, was just as important as the food. As long as I prayed to re-

main abstinent, made my needs known to the waiter, and was cautious, I was okay.

Innocentl y ignorant, I w a s l ater to learn that I had already broken t wo of the rules of eating out abstinently. To quote from Living Abstine ntly, “ ...we don’t ta ke our sc a les or mea suring spoons w ith us... we don’t ta ke extra food into a restaurant. ” Because I had cleared it w ith the restaurant in advance, however, it was okay. And I don’t do those things anymore.

It’s hard to convey what a relief my sponsor ’ s word s were to me. Once the hotel restaurant kne w about my dietar y needs, I was able to eat most of the rest of my meals there with a clear conscience. e rest of our trip was a pleasure, and I kept my abstinence for that week and the six months that followed.

Fun fact: a common fruit that sells at my grocer y store for 19 cents each a quarter if you w ant to go organic reta i led at the restaurant for $8.00! We were so amazed by this that it became a standard of measurement for the rest of the trip, as in, “I need to put about ve fruits worth of gas in the car for the trip home” and “ e ser vice was so good I le him a t wo-fruit tip.”

I learned a number of lessons which have ser ved me well in FA . Don’t tr y to gure it out all by myself. I have fellows to help me. Trust God and my sponsor. Bring extra fruit or extra money.

Charlie D., California, US

Wa it For It

“D

on ’ t leave before the miracle happens.” at ’ s what those who have been in FA a long time o en say. But I wondered, what will that look like for me?

Will the miracle be getting the high-paying job before age 30? Is it getting married to the hot guy with the two-stor y house and nice car, becoming Ms. Popular, or being well-liked by all those around me? Any of those would certainly be a miracle for this insecure, fearf ul, and 230-pound food addict.

Yet the miracle has been staying abstinent, one day at a time, for over a year now. And that’s how it all begins, by putting the food down, weighing and measuring three meals a day, and eating nothing in bet ween. Being honest at the kitchen scale has allowed me to practice rigorous honest y in all other aspects of my life, and before I knew it, I started to respect myself. I became more patient, kind, and loving.

More importantly, FA has allowed me to nd out who I am. I am not the scared, immature, angr y girl who walked into these rooms. Today, all thanks to this program, I am a con-

dent ballroom dancer, a loving daughter and sister, a compassionate colleague, and a child of God. I am not better or worse o than anyone else. Today, I know I am one among many, and with that comes humilit y and freedom from perfection. I no longer have to tr y so hard; I can unclench my sts and be myself.

I’m learning to meet people where they are and not tr y to x them. I leave the “ xing” up to God now. I have compassion towards other addicts in my family who don’t have a program, and know that all I can do is be a powerf ul example. Giving someone the FA food plan is not the right solution, because I’d be cheating them of the opportunit y to experience the spiritual aspect of the program.

FA is a Twelve-Step spiritual program that has given me a life second to none, and I pray that I remain honest, open-minded, and willing to keep showing up for my recover y, one abstinent day at a time. I work this program like my life depends on it, because it does. I can ’ t wait to see what else God has in store for me.

Marianna M., Florida, US

Being honest at the kitchen scale has allowed me to practice rigorous honest y in all other aspects of my life

Temp er ing the Ta l k

In recover y from food addiction I need to be caref ul not only of what I put into my mouth, but also the words that come out of it. When I was active in my addiction, I had no lter; I said whatever came to mind. If someone couldn’t handle what I said, I thought that wa s their issue. I took zero responsibilit y.

Gratef ully, I have since changed my opinion. In recover y, I want to take responsibilit y for my words. I can share my stor y openl y and honestly, but I don’t have to express my political or sociological views at a meeting. Others may have opposing opinions and values. ere are other places to debate opinions on those issues, because while they may a ect me tremendously, these issues are not d irectl y related to my recover y from food addiction.

I come from an inner-cit y background and the language commonly used in my home could be o ensive to those w ithout this same background. When I rst came into FA, my quali cation focused on that background and fel lows commented on how dramatic it wa s. How much of it, though, was related to food addiction?

In a meeting, I want to hear about recover y from food addiction and I want to focus my ow n sharing on that. Yes, I need to share

what is happening with me, but within the frame work of how using our tools centers me or how the step I’m working in my AWOL is helping me change and grow. is is how I believe my sharing can be usef ul for other FA members.

If there is something going on with me that feels a bit less focused on food addiction or if I am troubled by a disturbing memor y, I can discuss it with my sponsor or share it on outreach calls.

I do not want my words to be a distraction to anyone at an FA meeting, nor do I want to say something hurtf ul. I stay away from political and social issues, focusing instead on my recover y from food addiction. I avoid saying things that are negative or judgmental of others; instead, I ask myself how I can help all feel welcome. What can I share about living through life’s challenges abstinently?

As I continually engage in the study of the Twelve Steps, I become more aware of how I can depend on my Higher Power for help. So o en I hear a quiet little voice that says “Don’t say anything” or “be gentle with those words.” I know this is a nud ge from my Higher Power. I’m learning to l isten although sometimes I ignore the hint and then need to make amends. I know that in the past I have said hurtf ul things in meet-

ings, and for that I sincerel y apologize, because even if I haven’t meant them in a harmf ul manner, my words can sti l l hur t someone.

Today, I want to open my heart to all food add icts, stay abstinent, and refrain from

using lang ua ge or a tone that may cause harm. Recover y feels really good and I want to continue to let my Higher Power transform me by showing me how to grow in love and tolerance.

Norma Jean P., Ohio, US

ROBIN M , NY

Out to Lunc h

Before I c ame into FA, I had a terrible work ethic. At one job, w hen I was scared of deal ing with the next customer, I would leave a sign on the door t h at re a d “O u t to Lunch.” But I w a sn ’ t o u t to l u n c h, I w a s out to binge! I would then sp end hours in the bathroom, purgi n g t h e f o o d I h a d b i n g e d o n. I l e messes ever y w here I went. I just had to throw up. One time, I c a r r i e d my m e s s i n a t r a s h b a g to t h e garba ge outside the store w here I worked. I w a s s o a s h a m e d a n d d i d n ’ t w a n t my bosses to nd any evidence of my behavi o r. e y f o u n d i t a ny w ay a n d l et m e know.

I c a m e i n to FA we i g h i n g 1 4 2 pounds. (My highest we i g h t w a s a b o u t 155.) In the midd le of the unmana geable l i f e I h a d b e f o re FA , I b i n g e d d a i l y o n q u a n t i t i e s o f s u g a r, o u r, f at , a n d s a l t y items. A er the binge, I purged my food in

t h e to i l et a n d a l s o t h ro u g h e xerc i s e. I binged and star ved my way dow n for spec i a l o cc a s i o ns o r f o r s i m p l e t r i p s to t h e beach. I wa s miserable, grea s y, pimpl y, and a ticking time bomb w i t h a ny o n e w h o t r i e d to g et i n t h e w ay o f my e at i n g . My s e l f - e s te em a n d b o d y s i ze s u ere d f ro m a l a c k o f d i s c ipl ine.

I h av e b e en i n FA f o r a w h i l e n o w a n d h av e l o s t a ro u n d 4 0 p o u n d s. I w a s o ere d a n e w j ob l a s t y e a r w h i l e I w a s i n Ma s s a c h us et t s at t h e FA Wo r l d S er v i ce Bus i n e s s Co nv en t i o n. It w a s co m p l ete l y o rchestrated by God. I re ce i v e d a p h o n e messa ge o ering me a p o s i t i o n. I w a n te d my sp o ns o r to te l l m e w h at to d o, b u t she appropriatel y ref us e d to d o s o. I s at w ith it during the entire convention weekend and made my decision when I got back home and had time to ma ke a sol id, nonfear-ba sed decision.

A er I m a d e u p my m i n d , my w h o l e wor ld w a s turned upsi de dow n. Pro g ra m ha s c arried me throug h the rst year at my n e w j ob, w h i c h i s d i eren t a n d f a r m o re cha l leng ing than any work I have done in the past. I keep showing up and God keeps a m a z i n g m e , w i t h o r w i t h o u t e x ter n a l pra ise f rom my co-wor kers or my sup er iors. I am happy to help those I ser ve.

Today, I ta ke about 20 minutes to eat my weig hed and mea sured lunch e ver y d ay. I slow l y eat and nish my mea l. Most days I go outside, sit in a peacef ul spot, and l isten to the sound of the fountain or piano playing coming from the nearby ba l let stud io.

A er making phone cal ls, w riting , or reading FA literature, I go back to work to greet my students and a sk God for help to continue my work. I only use the bathroom for w h at i t ’ s s u p p o s e d to b e us e d f o r, e xce p t sometimes when I get on my knees and ask God for help to continue my work responsibi l ities. No messes. No super v isors compl a ining of my v i le b ehav i or. I don’t e ven h av e to d e a l w i t h t h e t r a s h to d ay, o t h er than reminding students to use it. My classroom is, at most times, orderl y and clean, with ever ything in its proper place, because my mind is in its proper place.

JULIE M , MI

Year of Learning

I’d b e en i n FA f o r s e v en y e a r s w h en I d e c i d e d to re t u r n to h i g h e r e d u c ati on. I had completed my underg radu a te s t u d i e s a t a g e 2 2 , a n d n o w , i n my f i f t i e s , d e c i d e d to g o f o r a p o s t- g r a d u ate cer ti f i c ate to inc re a se my professi ona l c ap a b i l i t i e s. Hav i n g b e en i n FA , I w a s we l l a w a re o f t h e t i m e a n d e f f o r t i t to o k to p r a c t i c e t h e FA w a y o f l i f e . W h a t w a s I thinking?

First of a l l , how would I f ind time to do my c o u r s e w o r k i n a d d i t i o n to my c o mmitted FA meetings, telephone c a l ls, da i l y m e d i t a t i o n , f o o d p re p, a n d m o re ? O h , a n d d i d I m en t i o n I h a d a f u l l - t i m e j o b ? What ab out f a mi l y a nd f r i end s? My fe a r of not b eing able to pul l this off w a s huge. Bu t h ere ’ s t h e t h i n g : I k n e w t h at c u t t i n g b a c k o n my FA p ro g r a m w a s n o t a n o pti on. S omething el se had to g i ve. I f ig ured I’d need at lea st 10 hours a week to l i s te n to o n l i n e l e c t u re s a n d d o a ss i g n e d h o m e w o r k . S o, I a r r a n g e d to c u t severa l hours a week from my work schedu l e . A n d s o m e t i m e s I n e e d e d to s p e n d l e s s t i m e o n l e i s u re a c t i v i t i e s , w h i c h w a s d i f f i c u l t f o r t h i s f o o d a d d i c t w h o n e v e r w a nted to miss out on hav ing f un a nd rel a x ing! I def initel y c red it FA for te aching me to honor my commit ment s, a nd I ap-

pl i ed this pr inci ple to my stud i es.

S e c o n d l y, I h a d i m m e n s e f e a r t h a t my m i d d l e- a g e d b r a i n w o u l d n o t b e a b l e to co p e w i t h t h e v o l u m e o f l e a r n i n g . In my p re v i o u s l i f e a s a y o u n g u n d e r g r a d u a te (and non-recovering food add ict), I would sp end excessi ve hours stud y ing , d r i ven by p er fecti onism to go for up to 14 hours a d ay so I could ace my exa ms. I would obsessi vel y re v ie w my notes unti l I had e ver y deta i l memor ized.

Any thing less tha n scor ing 100% me a nt f a i l ure to me. These stud y binges were f ueled by l arge quantities of f lour, sugar, and c affeinated be vera ges. S elf-determination a nd pr i de f i l led in the gaps.

To d a y, t h a n k s to w h a t I ’ v e l e a r n e d a n d practi ced in FA, my appro ach to stud y ing is completel y d i fferent. I b eg in by getting o n my k n e e s a n d p r a y i n g to my Hi g h e r Power to help me sit sti l l and concentrate. I a sk God to help me remember the informati on I need to know. S ometimes I get f r u s t r a te d b y my l i m i t a t i o n s u s i n g t h e computer. S o, I pick up the telephone and c a l l my FA f e l l o w s to a s k f o r h e l p. I ’ v e g a i n e d c r i t i c a l n e w c o m p u te r s k i l l s t h i s way, learning how to access greater know le d g e o n l i n e a n d h o w to s u b m i t p a p e r s . Spir itua l l y, a sking for hel p ha s g i ven me a

humi l it y I’d ne ver know n before. And hum i l i t y h a s y i e l d e d a n o t h e r m i r a c l e : t h e w i l l ingness to exercise patience in practicing these ne w ski l l s a s a mature woma n. Pe r h a p s t h e g re a te s t m i r a c l e o f a l l w a s t h at I co u l d e f f e c t i v e l y d o a l l my s t u d i e s (a nd f ace my fe a rs) w ithout turning to add i c t i v e e a t i n g . Ho w ? By re p l a c i n g t h e f o o d w i t h a c o n n e c t i o n to my Hi g h e r Power.

S i x m o n t h s i n to t h e c o u r s e , I s a t f o r my f i r s t w r i t te n e x a m . No t p a s s i n g would mean I’d have to leave the course. I h a d p re p a re d d i l igentl y w ith def ined , pre-set stud y p er i o d s to re v i e w my mater i a l . I a l s o p re p a re d s p i r i t u a l l y b y t a k i n g ext ra med itati on time in the d ays le ad ing u p to t h e e x a m . Th e n i g h t b e f o re t h e exam, I attended my committed FA meeting inste ad of “ c ra mming” for a fe w more hours. I rememb ered phone connecti ons w i t h FA f e l l o w s w h o i nv i te d m e to t r us t that I had prep a red suff i ci entl y to p a ss. On the d ay of the exa m, I s at qui etl y for ha lf a n hour b efore enter ing the bui ld ing a n d i nv i te d G o d to b e w i t h m e . A s I b ega n to w r ite my a ns wers, I fel t the presence of my Hig her Power helping me coll e c t my t h o u g h t s , re m e m b e r w h a t I n e e d e d to re m e m b e r, a n d d o t h e b e s t I

could.

It w a s n ’ t a p e r f e c t p e r f o r m a n c e , b u t i t w a s g o o d en o u g h to p a s s a n d en a b l e m e to c o n t i n u e w i t h t h e s e c o n d h a l f o f t h e cl a ss.

e night before the exam, I attended my committed FA meeting instead of “cramming” for a few more hours.

O f course, more fe a r f ul cha l lenges sti l l l ay a he ad. Na mel y, the f ina l exa minati on. In s i x m o n t h s , I w o u l d u n d e r t a k e a 3 0m i n u te , f a c e- to - f a c e o r a l e x a m i n a t i o n w ith t wo exa miners. For ye a rs I’d avoi ded t a k i n g t h i s c o u r s e due to my fear of this o r a l e x a m . A g a i n , my exp er i ence in FA s e r v e d m e w e l l . S p e a k i n g a t FA m e e t i n g s f ro m t h e front of the room gave me a great found ati on.

I pa ssed the final, received my certificate, a n d a m n o w p o s i t i o n e d to b e o f g re a te r ser v i ce in my professi on. B efore FA, a s a non-recovering food add ict, I had no abi lit y to under ta ke ta sks w hi ch required acti on, d isci pl ine, a nd commit ment. Li v ing the FA w ay, ta king acti on, a nd practi cing the d a i l y d isci pl ines, I’ve le a rned f rom my sp onsor a nd fel low memb ers to appl y the g i f t s of recover y to other a re a s of my l i fe. By ta king God’s hand throug h this year of l e a r n i n g , I h av e g ro w n i n w a y s I ’d o n c e thoug ht imp ossible.

Mar ia M., Au st ralia

Com for t Zone

Ihave b een in FA for over si x ye a rs a nd have gone f rom my hi g hest wei g ht of 2 4 3 p o u n d s to a r i g h t- s i ze d b o d y. With the help of my sponsor ' s sug gestions and my Hig her Power, I have kept off over 100 pounds for many years, w hich is a miracle. S ometimes it is e a s y to forget w here I c a m e f ro m a n d I w o r r y a b o u t g e t t i n g compl acent.

This summer I had a cha l leng ing exp er ience. I l i ve overse a s f rom my home countr y. For various rea sons, both personal and work related, my famil y spent the majorit y of the summer travel ing. I have ne ver traveled for such a long p er i o d of time. In si x w e e k s , I to o k 1 2 f l i g h t s , m o s t l y i n te r n ati ona l ones.

I pr i de myself on b eing able to t ravel in Pro g r a m . I h av e a l l my l i te r a t u re o n my i Pa d K i n d l e a p p s o I c o u l d d o my re a dings, and I broug ht my ne w FA Book w ith me. I a l so have Sky pe insta l led on my iPad to ma ke my out re ach c a l l s. I broug ht premeasured ba g gies of breakfast grain. Af ter se vera l ye a rs l i v ing overse a s, I know w hat to d o, b u t i t w a s a l m o s t n o t en o u g h t h i s t i m e . In s o m e p l a c e s , b re a k f a s t w a s i ncl uded a s p a r t of the hotel a nd it w a s e a s y

to g e t w h a t I n e e d e d . S o m e p l a c e s w e s t a y e d h a d a s m a l l k i tc h e n , s o I c o u l d wei g h my l unch or d inner. But there were ma ny times w hen I had to e at out.

I am an add i ct and my mind l i kes to pl ay tricks on me. I have heard it said that w hi le we a re in our meetings our d ise a se of fe a r, d o u b t , a n d i n s e c u r i t y t h a t d r i v e s u s to seek comfor t in fo o d is out in the p a r ki n g l o t d o i n g p u s h u p s a n d g e t t i n g st ronger. Our d ise a se is a l w ays w a iting to get us in it s cl utches a ga in, a nd e ver y d ay I'm abstinent, I'm putting a dep osit in my " a b s t i n e n c e b a n k " t h a t h e l p s m e to s t a y st rong a ga inst my w a iting d ise a se.

B efore I c a me into Pro g ra m, I had a d i alo g ue going insi de my he ad a l l the time. It w a s u s u a l l y o n e- s i d e d a n d v e r y a b u s i v e , te l l i n g m e I w a s f a t , t h a t p e o p l e w o u l d l a u g h a t m e , a n d t h a t I c o u l d n ’ t d o a nything r i g ht. It ha s b een ma ny ye a rs since I h e a rd t h i s v o i c e . Wo r k i n g t h e FA p rog r a m , t a k i n g t h e a d v i c e o f my s p o n s o r, a n d wo r k i n g my to o l s , h a s p u t t h i s v o i ce to s l e e p. Bu t w h i l e I w a s t r av e l i n g f o r a month a nd a ha lf, I w a s not able to wor k the pro g ra m in my usua l w ay. I could not attend my committed meetings, a lthoug h

w hi le in the U S, I w a s able to go to f aceto-f ace meetings a nd qua l i f y, w hi ch w a s a blessing . In some pl aces, there w a s no inter n et , m a k i n g i t d i f f i c u l t to m a k e co mp u te r - b a s e d c a l l s to my i n te r n a t i o n a l c o m m u n i t y. I a l s o f o u n d i t h a rd to t a k e q u i e t t i m e , s i n c e I w a s s h a r i n g a s m a l l hotel ro om w ith my f a mi l y. In Europe, close to the end of my travels,

an incident happened that made the voice come back w ith a vengeance. A fe w hours a f te r my s u b w a y c a rd e x p i re d , a s u b w a y pol iceman a sked to check my ticket w hi le I w a s o n t h e t r a i n . I w a s a l o n e w i t h my s c h o o l - a g e d d a u g h te r s . He w a s v e r y a gg re s s i v e a n d t re a te d m e l i k e a c r i m i n a l . The voi ce c a me b ack a nd told me I w a s a h o r r i b l e a n d i r re sp o ns i b l e m o t h er. Ev en

ROBIN M , NY

t h o u g h i t a l l w o r k e d o u t , I h a d a s t ro n g emoti ona l re acti on to this inci dent, w hat we c a l l in Pro g ra m a n "emoti ona l binge." I kept repl ay ing it in my mind and I couldn ’ t sleep.

I a sked God for hel p. I a sked my Hig her Po wer to rem o v e t h e t h o u g h t s f ro m my m i n d , a s t h e y were n o t h e l p i n g m e to b e of ser v i ce or do Go d’s w i l l. I b ec a me ver y a g itated by fe a r a nd I noti ced that I b ega n to get je a lous of the d i fferent desser t s my f a m i l y w a s e a t i n g . Us u a l l y I a m h a p p y to b e i n my r i g h tsized b o d y a nd conte n t a c c e p t i n g t h a t t h o s e f o o d s a re n o t mine. I have le a rned in FA to s ay, “ Tha nk you Go d , that is not my food” w hen faced w ith s weets, bec ause I understa nd I have exceeded my l i fetime s u p p l y o f t h o s e f o o d s. Ho we v er, to w a rd the end of the t r i p, I found myself hav ing re s e n t m e n t a t t h e e n d o f e a c h d i n n e r w h e n my f a m i l y m e m b e r s w o u l d o rd e r that count r y ’ s f a mous s weet d ish. I h a d n ’ t h a d t h i s t y p e o f s e l f - d o u b t o r m en t a l m i s er y i n a l o n g t i m e . W h at w a s d i fferent? My pro g ra m w a s d i fferent. For s i x w e e k s I h a d b e e n o u t o f my c o m f o r t zone. I w a s not wor king my pro g ra m a s I n o r m a l l y w o u l d . I k n e w I w a s n o t i n my

r i g ht mind , a nd kne w that i f I d i d n ’ t keep my Hi g h er Po wer v er y n e a r m e , I wo u l d get closer to ta king the bite. I have he a rd in meetings that the fo o d is the l a st thing to g o. I b e l i e v e d t h i s w a s w h a t w a s h a pp ening to me.

W h en we g o t h o m e , I w a s h a p p y to b e back in my ow n kitchen. I went stra ig ht to t h e g ro c e r y s to re a n d g o t t h e t h i n g s I n e e d e d . It f e l t s o re a s s u r i n g a n d s a f e to mea sure al l of my meals a gain. I welcomed b e i n g b a c k a t my n o r m a l m e e t i n g s and connecting w ith p e o p l e i n my o w n t i m e zo n e o n c e a ga in.

For six weeks I had been out of my comfort zone.

It i s a p r i v i l e g e to t ravel the wor ld a nd s e e d i f f e re n t c u ltures. I a m enormousl y blessed , but I a m a l s o a n a d d i c t a n d d o b e s t w i t h t h e ro ut i n e a n d s t r u c t u re t h a t FA p ro v i d e s f o r me. The AA Big Book tel ls us that add icts have sensiti ve ner vous s ystems. For now, I a m g r ate f u l I d i d n o t t a k e t h e b i te , a n d am happy to be back in my ow n home, f ul l o f s t r u c t u re a n d ro u t i n e . I p r a y t h a t b y d o i n g my to o l s d a i l y a n d f o l l o w i n g t h e g u i d e l i n e s o f my p ro g r a m, t h e v o i ce w i l l once a ga in b e put to sleep for a ver y long time.

R ob i n W , Ugand a

W hat was di erent?

My program was di erent.

K itc hen R omance

My boyfriend has been a bachelor, living on a farm, and sur viving on frozen meals for a ver y long time. You can imagine the condition of his kitchen, which has been a running joke bet ween us. Days before Valentine’s Day, he was in the kitchen aisle of a big-box store, which is completely out of his comfort zone. As he went through picking up ne w utensils, towels, and other ver y basic kitchen suppl ies, he turned to a nearby shopper to ask a question. During their chat he told her that his little kitchen “upgrade” was a surprise gi for his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. She assured him he wouldn’t have a girlfriend for long if that was his idea for a Valentine’s Day gi . A l ittle taken aback, he quipped, “ Well, I’m getting

her some fresh fruits and vegetables, too. ” e shopper snorted and continued on her way. He was a little ner vous but stuck with his plan. On Valentine’s Day, I received a large lunchbox “big enough for al l your Tupper ware, ” all the ingredients for an abstinent meal, and a kitchen I could maneuver around with ease.

I expressed my gratitude for this unorthodox Valentine’s Day surprise, and he told me how the other woman ’ s comment kind of scared him a little, but he knew he was dating a food add ict in recover y. He g ured that abstinent food and a working kitchen was better than owers that would die in a few days or the traditional Valentine’s goodies and he was absolutely right!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the