THE HILARIAN.
ISSUE THREE 2020
Editors Hugo Chapman Christiana Michaels Lachlan Blake Design Hugo Chapman Christiana Michaels Lachlan Blake Cover Art Hugo Chapman Printing Kwik Digital
In this issue: Which fictional law firm would hire you? Edition 3 Playlist Adelaide’s New Nightlife Scene Reviewed An Investigation into the Parentage of Sophie Sheridan Ligertwood Dialect An Unofficial Guide to the Ligertwood Foyer Liggy Love Letters The Commonwealth, the kinkiest part of the Federation honey, i’m in love with the law library again Tips from a Graduate-To-Be Your Typical Hard Work Screed The Toilet Door Out of School Into Hell Is Jeffery Epstein Still Alive? Perfect Scone Recipe Word Search Dress Power Wellbeing with Alex St Raphael’s Coupon
Thank you to all our contributors for this edition. Will Broderick, Maddie McShane, Grace Jin, Anon Mouse, Joana Stankevicius, Natasha Slater, Luke Zounis, Alexander Arthur The Hilarian does not reflect nor represent the opinions and views of the Adelaide University Law Students’ Society (AULSS), nor those of the University of Adelaide Law School.
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Editors Welcome Haha, wow! It’s good to see you once again in person – you look good! Oh, we look different? I suppose we gained some weight over the shutdown – yes… come to think of it the editing team looks quite different since we were sealed away in the Hilarian mansion last semester. This semester? Glad you asked! We’re chugging along with some fantastic content for you over the next two editions, we’ve got some videos and extra, more intellectually challenging content for you in the works… you can handle a challenge, right? Reflect not upon the effect of this crisis upon your future, instead, regress into the loving, tender pages of the Hilarian which caress you with witticisms, bon mots and barely-sarcastic dirges of misery and panic brought about by the effect of this crisis upon our future… damn. This edition we’re coming at you with some post-isolation prose: Maddie McShane lays out Adelaide’s nightlife in this brave new world, and we double team you with law school playlists for your aural pleasure, Will Broderick gives you a handy guide to your fictional legal career and our very own Christiana Michaels plunges deep into the lore of 2008’s premier comedy-musical-romance, Mamma Mia. For some added spice, we also have an exclusive $1 off coupon for St Raphs with every hardcopy of Issue 3. Hey, where are you going? With love, wit and courage, Hugo, Christiana & Lachie
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WHICH FICTIONAL LAW FIRM WOULD HIRE YOU?
Words by Will Broderick.
In the world of legal fantasy, where cases are won by the sheer strength of long, impassioned monologues, defendants make full-blown confessions under cross-examination, and the rule of law is always preserved, protected and defended, law firms pick you, not the other way around. No longwinded, soul-crushing application processes for clerkships or internships here. In this world, a sure-fire test will match applicants with the firms of their heart’s desire. See which one suits below.
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PEARSON SPECTER LITT from Suits
CRANE, POOLE & SCHMIDT from Boston Legal
- loves the high life - gives a lot of second chances - not so behind-the-scenes drama - mudding
- bit on the wild side - ok maybe a lot on the wild side - makes up sad personal anecdotes to sway judges / juries - loves a bit of topical pro-bono work
HAMLIN HAMLIN & MCGILL from Better Call Saul - big fish in a small pond - used to be nepostistic but thats all ~resolved~ - so extra that you patent a colour and name it after yourself
SAUL GOODMAN & ASSOCIATES from Breaking Bad - specializes in criminal law - blinding fashion sense - loves a good pedicure - puts all billings into ads
BENDINI, LAMBERT & LOCKE from The Firm - not dodgy at all - ok maybe a little dodgy - connected (the mafia way not LinkedIn) - not fans of Tom Cruise
BABIP, VORP, PECOTA & ECKSTEIN from Parks and Recreation - small-town - represents some... interesting characters - DOES NOT represent Diddy - just doing their jobs
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Edition 3 Playlist
Vampire – Dominic Fike I Missed Out – Hockey Dad Juice – Castelle Remix – Young Franco Good for you – Spacey Jane Better in Blak – Thelma Plum Hit Me Up – Omar Opollo Lucy – Still Woozy Never Gonna Stop – The Regime Gold Chevrolet – Groove City Waiting – Olympic Ayres Boogie Juice – HalfNoise Honeybody – Mattsoro Remix – Kishi Bashi Teach Me About Dying – Holy Holy
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Adelaide’s New Nightlife Scene Reviewed Words by Maddie McShane. With our rules loosened a bit but not enough to permanently open the sweat city of Super California, the list of places to go and get shitfaced has been a little slimmer. Here’s a review of some hotspots since we’ve been allowed outside in terms of their compatibility with young professionals. The Crown and Anchor Always a crowd favourite with anyone doing a law and arts double, the Cranker’s return has been a huge relief to the city’s young small-scale graffiti artists. Almost as sad as the death of the 3-hour-happyhour with $3 drinks has been the death of the competitive sport of chair-stealing, a cornerstone practise known for birthing a good majority of friendships founded in the East End. Still, the venue hosts many professionals in the sport of dart-stealing, a practise retaining stability in its stealth.
Roxie’s Isolation may have has brought down the mingleability of the lovable beer garden, but it has brought a substantive influx in expensively dressed girls whose primary personality trait is drinking cocktails. Perfect for law students seeking to express to the world via Instagram that they are not only outside but outside and WITH THE GIRLS, these warm booths amongst the greenery make for good background to a picture on their new film camera that they snagged from Depop for only like, $200.
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Crybaby With music so loud you can’t hear how expensive the drinks are, Crybaby remains among the city’s top-rated locations for getting shitfaced. The bathrooms have received 4/5 stars on TripAdvisor for their Instagrammability, one star only being lost because the chances of catching COVID from washing your hands are comparable to a trip to Victoria, but you can’t win them all.
The Casino I’m not saying restrictions are directly responsible for the recent growth of gambling culture amongst Ligertwood goers, I’m just saying, it’s not every day you see this many Polo Ralph Lauren rugby knits around a poker table. A great place to donate all of your savings made over isolation in the company of the lads.
The West Oak You can take the law student out of the West Oak, for a couple of months at least, but it seems you can’t take the West Oak out of the law student. The moment those pub doors opened there was very little God himself could do to stand between first-years and their $5 vodka raspberry sodas. The death of the dancefloor was relatively inconsequential in the venue’s overarching narrative, for all is well as long as the house DJ’s remain available for viewing pleasure.
Lion Arts Factory Admittedly, the novel excitement of sitting down to watch a band play did wear off with a bit of haste, but that hasn’t stopped the factory from hosting some major head-boppers of gigs. For that reason, the beer garden has kept its spot on the podium as one of the best places to swindle up that bass player that was totally giving you the eye on set, or chain smoke with your fellow Doc-Marten/corduroy uniformed pals.
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Hilarian Exclusive: An Investigation into the Parentage of Sophie in Mamma Mia! by Christiana Michaels.
The world we live in is comprised of many great mysteries. Where is flight MH370? Is there a lost city of Atlantis? Will any of my dignity be restored after quiz night? Aside from these perplexing conundrums, one specific dilemma rises above the rest, encompassing many nights of lost sleep from deep thought. Who is Sophie’s biological dad in Mamma Mia? I am unashamed to say I have seen Mamma Mia countless times. Unsurprisingly, the film has ingrained itself as a personal favourite, with the combination of my two great loves in life – ABBA, and a fantasy fictional romance in Greece. Although the conclusion of Sophie accepting all father prospects into her life is wonderfully Hollywood, I refuse to accept the fairy-tale resolve that the characters have no inkling of curiosity about her parentage. So, I have bravely taken one for the team, and encompassed the role of Maury in determining who really IS the father. For the purposes of this analysis, I will be using the timeline in the original film and musical as set out in Honey Honey, as the botched timeline in the sequel is clearly for artistic license (but young Bill DO be fire though).
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SAM CARMICHAEL July 17th. With Sam ultimately being love of Donna’s life, it is often predicted that he is the most likely biological father of Sophie. Truthfully, a love child of 007 and Miranda Priestly would be a bad bitch, conducting foreign surveillance in the Chanel boots. A clear factor in Sam’s favour is the extended time he spent with Donna in comparison to our other options (approximately a week if utilising the Name of the Game lyrics), increasing his parentage odds. Furthermore, Sophie also possesses Sam’s artistic abilities, with the Our Last Summer scene demonstrating her exceptional skills drawing his portrait. According to Google and a petrified sneans(y) Science student I found in the Taste Baguette line, the ability to draw and utilise artistic vision can indeed be an inherited talent. Moreover, the genetic dynamic of Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan does possess the ability to result in Amanda Seyfried’s green eyes, however, a detailed history into their respective parents for a Year 10 Biology style punnet square is unfortunately not possible.
BILL ANDERSON August 4th. Unsurprisingly, Bill’s fair features makes him another favourite in the genetic game. The blonde hair of Stellan Skarsgärd compliments that of Streep wonderfully, with Seyfried physically appearing as a most likely child of the couple. Another core theory in favour of Bill is revealed after Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!, whereby Donna’s connection with his great aunt Sophia is determined. Per Bill, Aunt Sophia left Donna money to start her hotel, supposedly only left for family. Although this is clarified in the sequel as a chance encounter between the women, I question the sanity of the man for assuming his clearly distant relative has a better understanding of his sex life and it’s results than himself. Did he waltz into an awkward family dinner to hear “wear a jumper, fix the rips in your jeans, you have a child”? Probably not. Moreover, theorists have even claimed Bill’s surname and Swedish heritage being a direct association with ABBA, and specifically member Benny Anderson, implies he is the true father of the story. This is a trash argument.
encounters expanding over a month would have likely seen her experience a full menstrual cycle, including the potential elimination of Sam or Bill from the equation. Based on this, Harry might just have a slim chance. Regardless, although he might not be the biological father of Sophie, he still remains the biggest daddy of the story. I hear you ask, what does this all mean? Who is the winner that takes it all? Ultimately, the battle clearly rests between Sam and Bill. Alongside my bets on the Crows getting the wooden spoon and a forthcoming NGP in Admin, I would put my money on Sam. His elongated time with Donna seems to be the most prominent factor in some increased odds, alongside a genetic compatibility and the timeline enabling Donna to present the symptoms of pregnancy. So, you think it’s clear that I have wasted an embarrassingly large portion of my time trying to solve a problem with too many subjective factors and loopholes (sounds a bit like my law degree but whatever)? My sentiments exactly.
HARRY BRIGHT August 11th. I would like to first acknowledge that Harry must be protected at all costs, and remains my favourite character within this entire franchise (other than young Bill, obviously). Harry’s encounter, per all films, was brief, and genetically Colin Firth’s dark and handsome dominant genes do not physically align with the fair Sophie. Regardless, it is obvious that the timeline of Donna’s
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Ligertwood Dialect Linguists and cultural theorists posit that a sense of community is most obviously evident in shared language. It has been said, repeatedly, that the law school is full of suck-up sycophants who, while sharing a common sense of superiority, do not share a community: in the same way that sharks or incels often congregate together but cannot form mutual connections and relationships. In this article, we imagine a law school dialect, developed through the buzzwords and patterns of speech that constantly recur in Ligertwood: Caruso: (verb) to suddenly disappear: ‘Some German tourists carusoed on Fraser Island last week’. Ay-Yoo-Ell-Essess: (noun) a process by which one advances their career. ‘Poor guy is trying to communicate, but he has Ay-Yoo-Ell-Essess’. Agee-Ellsee: (Noun) a person who abides by nonsensical, contradictory rules for seemingly no reason: ‘That agee-ellsee over there is hot, but they’re just so obsessed with changing their hyphens into slightly longer hyphens’. Hilarian Editor: (Noun) charming, sexy people who are like, both in the law school circles but also like cool enough to be above that, you know? Haha. Law Ball: (Verb) to expose deep flaws and off-putting quirks that you had up until now been hiding from your peers due to severe intoxication: ‘they were here a second ago, but now they’ve law balled it and I think they’re in the bathroom with that med student’. ‘Sooooo worried, I hardly studied’: (phrase) to have studied quite a lot. AULSS Couch: (noun) a person who has been replaced after a titillating, dirty and passionate history: ‘they used to be fuck buddies, but now he’s dropped her like the AULSS Couch’. Gee-Peeyay: (noun) a common measure of self-worth. Clerkships: (noun) brutal blood sport/contest between Ligertwodians for poorly paid work.
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Anyone else just absolutely Love when you Enter into Ligertwood and (e) Xperience that overwheming
Joy Of Noticing that the Ebony-haired Sailor Moon man is there? 13
The Ultimate Guide to Navigating the Liggy Foyer
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Liggy Love Letters 3.0 A Haiku for a Scotch Boy: Loves the Loverboy, Play Gimme Gimme Gimme, Stop with the smoking.
GP - Are you Lightning? Cos I wanna make you McQueen xx
Hey Christiana, What’s up? I definitely don’t have a gun to my head, looking at you, writing this love letter at this very second. Try guessing who wrote this! Love you, stay you, live laugh law love.
anthony, i confess my love for thee, we know you’re the don, watch you get your LLB (hon), Been dreaming of you for so long, please oh please show your “massive schlong”
little bitch - you have my heart on resulting trust xxx
Rachel, I Neef you in my life. You’re the hot goss of ligertwood! I see you in the virtual admin tutes hoping our zoom squares will align next to each other, please allow me to win this competition <3 <3 <3
Dear the whitest of white boys, Get rid of the ciggy and meet me in liggy
I’m also just a first year, standing in front of a Matthew Stubbs, asking him to love me
My dearest Kirsty, for you I am so thirsty. Please don’t be socially distant, come over to my house this instant.
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Law School Playlist. By Grace Jin. Let me tell you a story about the one time I accidentally conducted a social experiment. On a boring, unremarkable and nonproductive day in iso, I decided it was time to forego my second nap of the afternoon and pen a long-overdue article for The Hilarian instead. Work smart, not hard, right? So, I stewed, and I plotted (for like 2 whole mins), and I realisedâ&#x20AC;Śwhat better way to work smart than to have someone else do the work?* So ta da! The law school playlist survey was born. I asked some of my fellow law friends a very serious question: if there was a law school playlist and they were allowed to add ONE (1) song, what would it be? I was expecting to receive some mad tunes.
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What I actually received was a lot of questions about what sort of tone and mood the playlist was supposed to have (I commend you all, your lawyer is showing), however I wanted the playlist to reflect the genuine, unfiltered thoughts of the people. As a result, I was deliberately and infuriatingly vague, and gave fluffy non-answers (and then received some mad tunes.) Here are the (anonymous due to popular demand) results, which generally appear to be following a rather sad theme without any prompting:
Results ‘I’m Not Okay (I Promise)’ by My Chemical Romance ‘Hard Sometimes’ by Ruel ‘Escape from LA’ by The Weeknd ‘Frail State of Mind’ by The 1975 ‘Hold On’ by Chord Overstreet ‘OK (Anxiety Anthem)’ by Mabel ‘Survivor’ by Destiny’s Child ‘Fucked Myself Up’ by merci, mercy ‘Cry Me A River’ by Justin Timberlake ‘On My Life’ by Cheat Codes ‘Shake It Off’ by Taylor Swift ‘I Don’t Like’ by Chief Keef ‘Dope’ by BTS ‘Be Alright’ by Dean Lewis ‘all the kids are depressed’ by Jeremy Zucker ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor ‘Little League’ by Conan Gray ‘Old Town Road’ by Lil Nas X ‘Know Your Worth’ by Khalid, Disclosure ‘Stressed Out’ by Twenty One Pilots ‘Rap Song on the PPSA’ by Mark Giancaspro (this is my addition, and frankly I’m appalled nobody nominated this inspiring masterpiece and it deserves an honourable mention) The people have spoken, and what they’re saying is that they’re crying. I’m not sure what I was expecting asking for a ‘law school’ playlist, but through this fortuitous incident I now know that most of us are struggling, so at least now we can struggle together. If you’d like to join me, you’ll find me in the corner of the Liggy basement, crying to this playlist. *Disclaimer: this strategy is not suitable for all situations, see the Academic Honesty Policy for details. Sincerely, a fit and proper person.
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The Commonwealth, the kinkiest part of the Federation By Anon Y Mouse. While there are some students out there who think that Constitutional law is boring, irrelevant and (with the possible exception of contract law) the most unappealing of all the legal courses, it is in fact a seductive hotbed of interstate and intra-state lust.
two of them start getting too close for comfort. Sometimes, it leads to some sort of menage et trios. Take that example when the Commonwealth let two states fight over an arms dealing contract, eerily ‘gunning it’ on the sidelines while the states made their cases.
If you find this analogy disturbing, by all means turn to the next article, but if you’d like a more graphic picture of how the Feds have ‘done the states dirty’ in more ways than one, then read on.
Interstate intercourse:
Federation:
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The Commonwealth is a purveyor of semi-incestuous relationships between the states. Under section 92, the Constitution also guarantees that “intercourse between the States . . . shall be absolutely free”
Australia’s foundation was a curious period. In many countries formed from different regional localities, marriage, conquest or alliance brought them together over a period of hundreds of years. In Australia, we passed around a blank piece of paper, let the states ‘do their business’ by ‘adding a layer of themselves’ into it and then declared the resulting document our ‘Constitution’
While its reassuring that the Commonwealth at least doesn’t charge for ‘intercourse’ between the states, it isn’t a good look for them to be presiding over the dealings in the first place. In this scenario, the Commonwealth is absolutely the one peering into the window like a creepy voyeur that watches a couple of states go at it. (Obviously it’s WA and NSW, horny bastards)
The current system means that the Commonwealth is currently in a sort of indivisible polygamous marriage with all of the states, of who have a sort of sibling-in law relationship with each other. It means there’s always some dirty looks thrown around when one or
Top v Bottom The states initially thought they could control the Commonwealth through the structure of the constitution. The ‘states’ house (the Senate) was the ‘Upper House’ of Parliament. Clearly the states believed that the chamber ‘on top’ must be the dominant one in the Commonwealth
relationship. Oh how they were wrong. As it turns out, attempting to ‘cowgirl’ your way out of passing supply in the Senate just triggers a ‘limp’ House of Representatives and a constitutional crisis.
BDSM: The Commonwealth loves to practice financial BDSM upon the states: Due to its ability to collect more revenue, there is an inherent financial imbalance between the Commonwealth and states. This is exploited by the Commonwealth under section 96 of the constitution by them granting the states funding in exchange for the states making policy changes where the Commonwealth could otherwise not. Imagine if the Commonwealth said this to you: “Hey babe, yeah I’ll give you that transport safety funding you need if you bend over a little and allow me to rear end your infrastructure.”
Dom v Sub:
Furthermore, in addition to keeping a firm hand on the tiller of state, the Commonwealth often likes to flex its muscles by keeping a firm hand on . . . other areas. Take for example, the constitutional cock-block the Commonwealth did to Tasmania in the Tasmanian Dam case. Or perhaps when the Commonwealth compelled the state of New South Wales to pay state debts in 1932, and when the Premier objected, he was dismissed by the Governor. Talk
about Commonwealth leaders spanking their state colleagues when they got out of line huh. It’s even written into section 109 of the constitution that inconsistent laws will be resolved in favour of the Commonwealth over the states. Clearly the framers wanted to make it clear that the Commonwealth was the ‘Dom’ in the relationship.
GST and COAG
The current distribution of taxation via GST is also one that leaves states feeling ‘sore the next day’. The system pits states against each other, making them all beg for a bigger slice of the taxation pie. Of course, with only one Commonwealth dishing it out, there are usually least two states (WA and NSW again, gee keep it in your pants guys) who constantly complain that they’re not ‘getting enough’. The Council of Australian Governments (COAG) is the accepted (but as of June now outgoing) forum for intergovernmental communication and consultation. Anyway, this multifaceted government orgy is where the states all get the opportunity to blow off a little steam and, on occasion. each other. Great debates such as whether or not contraception and viagra were to be excluded from the GST were historically held here. (Of course, no state needs it, especially those randy WA and NSW bastards that are always ‘on’). (continued...)
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The Commonwealth, the kinkiest part of the Federation (continued) Water rights:
The states do have authority over water rights, especially those over major rivers like the Murray. This however leads to interstate squabbles where all the states on the same river (SA, VIC and NSW) complain about the others states taking more than their fair share of water, thus leaving them without. So anyway, these ‘thirsty’ states in the Commonwealth all lobby for a fairer water sharing deal to advantage themselves and try and ‘ride’ their way to a climactic finish where one state will ‘get lucky’ and get very, very wet.
COVID-19:
And where would we be without a little exaggeration from the Commonwealth. Earlier this year, they took the opportunity to ram a very big stimulus package right up the Parliamentary budget orifice. The icing of the cake is of course the fact that the Commonwealth told everyone that their stimulus package was far bigger than it actually was (almost half the size) Typical Commonwealth boasting about the size of their ‘package’, assuring everyone that the funding will ‘last longer’ than it did last time and falsely claiming that they are a generous ‘giver’ as well as a ‘receiver’ of it.
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Referrals and constitutional amendments:
Even the process for referring powers to the Commonwealth or granting them additional powers by referendum has its kinks. To increase Commonwealth powers directly, a state may choose to ‘refer’ a ‘head of power’ to the Commonwealth. Unfortunately, when a state gives head . . . s of power to the Commonwealth, usually it is only gratifying for the Commonwealth and not for the states themselves since they give up their power voluntarily for no reward. Thankfully the Australian people have been wary of stroking the Commonwealth’s ego, or stroking anything else of the Commonwealth’s for that matter. Of the 44 referendums sought by the Commonwealth, the people have only satisfied the Commonwealth 8 times, with the ‘yes vote’ failing to ‘rise to the occasion’ so to speak, or hilariously giving the Commonwealth the faint chance of ‘getting some’ additional powers before it realizing that it is in fact a lost cause. After all, ‘Monopolies’, ‘Trade and Commerce’ and ‘Simultaneous Elections’
have all failed twice, the Commonwealth can only be edged so much before it gives up on constitutional foreplay in its entirety. At least the Commonwealth has never had an ‘accident’ where it has celebrated referendum results ‘prematurely.’
High Court rulings:
Something that must have been agonising for the states, and to the Commonwealth but for a more gratifying reason, was the gradual stripping of powers from the states to be awarded to the Commonwealth via High Court rulings. Cases such as Tasmania Dam and Work Choices slowly built up Commonwealth power. Presiding over the state’s forced constitutional strip tease, the High Court has demonstrated that it lacks objectivity and prefers instead to intimately ingratiate itself with the Commonwealth. And boy and boy, when faced with the choice of ‘sucking’ up to the Commonwealth, they certainly don’t hesitate to ‘swallow’ whatever the Commonwealth tells them to and ‘spit out’ whatever verdict the Commonwealth such desires.
sated until it has successfully divested the states of all of their plenary apparel, leaving their poor state bodies unadorned for the world to mock. And despite multiple attempts from various administrations, particular the Liberals who believe in ‘small government’, Commonwealth power just gets ‘bigger and bigger’ and ‘harder and harder’ to control and until eventually the exercise of such power will spray everywhere and soak everything. As per the Communist Party Case, it was ruled that a ‘stream cannot rise above the source’, which is why the Commonwealth has been attempting to enlarge its ‘source’ for many years now. If you measure it up on an A4 sized version of the constitution, the Commonwealth is probably after a ‘12 inch’ paragraph of accumulated section 51 powers.
As established in the case of Uther, the Commonwealth always comes first regarding priority of debts, but also always ‘comes first’ in other aspects as well.
In conclusion, constitutional law is certainly not a boring, cold and dry topic, it’s a pitfall of hot, and wet action regarding interstate intercourse, financial BDSM and state power strip teasing. While I passionately support federalism and the federal system more broadly, it is without a doubt that in the federal relationship, the states are royally screwed by it. It would appear that when the Commonwealth is ‘in the mood’, there’s only one safe word that’ll make them stop . . . Secession.
The Commonwealth’s naked ambition knows no bounds and it will not be fully
To make them stop: Pulling out
Misc:
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honey, im in love with the law library again
This is a poem about a person; One with an ocean of feelings; Each semester, their pain will worsen; Oh, those ancient, off-white ceilings; It’s not just about the books; Hidden, there are small signs; Secluded corners where no-one looks; Monotonous journal designs; Computers unused since Public Law; Just too narrow a staircase; Assignment doubts continue to gnaw; A student stuck in the rat race; This is not where the mind turns; There are tables and study rooms; And friends to ease concerns; With whom the future looms; It is for these reasons; This feeling can’t be arbitrary; Throughout all the seasons; I’m in love with the Law Library.
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Jobs&Growth Tips from a Graduate-To-Be: Thnks fr th mmrs Ligertwood, I am ready to move on to smaller and worse things. I have had a long and storied six year stint at the University of Adelaide and feel the need to graciously provide first, second, possibly third year students with some advice for getting the most out of Uni, Law School and your legal career!
1. Things will get worse over time: If I can guarantee one thing, it will be that by the end of your schooling, the overall economic and political situation will be worse – call it entropy. I am not just saying this because I started uni in 2015 – it is a general rule that the situation cannot improve and can only stagnate. This is true also of the University, which for example cut social/ alcohol-based events, became more decentralised and was subject to numerous scandals throughout my tenure – seriously, bring back the old unibar damn hahah legit what is the Uni Council doing? Finally, the quality of the Adelaide nightlife has only decreased (from my perspective). With the proliferation of small, trendy bars has come a general
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increase in prices – the Austral no longer does cheap jugs, new Coopers flavours are getting old, Pirate Life went mainstream, Rhino Room moved and became lame, the Hungry Hippo closed down, admissions fees went up. I could go on, but I don’t want to slide further into melancholy. Siri, play the Smiths.
2. Engage:
4. Careers:
It would be better for all of us if you get involved in your broader community. Preference competitions, sport and creative stuff, but also think about clubs – AULSS is the obvious choice, but look into it, it’s not hard! You’ll thank me when you have to write about this shit on your clerkship applications, or when you have no friends, or you get through uni without contributing once a year to the Hilarian – Adelaide Law School’s premier variety publication.
This is something to get a relatively good idea about early on, so you can plan what type of internship/ volunteer role/work experience you should do as a young law student (think 2nd/3rd year). You can then chat about all the amazing things you’ve already accomplished when you’re trying to get a clerkship. Note: commercial firms can get a bit freaked out by non-commercial experience – so try to specialise early on, or at least whittle down your options.
Volunteer too – it’s cool and good, helps your career and might help you figure out your sad, listless life. Not that it has to, but volunteering can easily intersect with the law – check out the Aboriginal Legal Rights Movement, or any other Community Legal Centre.
5. Grades:
Last, go on exchange and make it a year long, it’s sick.
3. Dating:
In Swot Vac: Watch all lectures and take notes. Read textbook to fill in gaps. Do all seminar activities. Do all practice exams in full, timed. Voila – HD. This has been the Hilarian’s graduateto-be tips for young law students, heed them well lest you turn out to be as unemployable as us!
Few tips here: don’t be surprised if you only date law students that things get a bit incestuous in Ligertwood – if you don’t wanna see your former love in the arms of a fellow contracts student in tortoise shell glasses then I advise looking outside the law school.
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Jobs&Growth Your Typical Hard Work Screed. Always, always, always complaining! Don’t these fake ‘woke’ leftists understand how good they’ve got it? To even get an internship is a blessing, being ‘unpaid’ is just how it is in the business! Back in Pop’s day, they had to go through the trenches (quite literally) to get where they are now. So absolutely ungrateful. That’s how he was able to give me, a second-year law student, a cushy position at the firm! People like this work hard to give so many more opportunities - I’m just like them! Why can’t they get that? These plebs won’t ever get that maybe inequalities exist for a reason. Honestly, just try harder! We ALL have equal opportunity under this definitelysustaining-and-not-collapsing-at-allat-this-current-time economic system! Capitalism makes the world go ROUND, how do you think you could even afford to argue otherwise? But guess what, these ego-centric lefties always go on about how these unpaid internships are “slavery” and “exploitative labour”. Man up! You’re just being weak and lazy fools who hate hard work. Okay sweetie, keep crying to me about how this neoliberal structure is oppressing
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young law students rather than benefiting them, and how you’re “vulnerable” because “young” “individuals” “in the workforce” “are more susceptible” “to being exploited” “because they literally have” “no other avenue” “to build a foundation” “for their upcoming legal career”. I’m sick of the “hot takes” and exclaims equating unpaid internships to slavery! Honestly, how hyperbolic can you get? You have the privilege to intern somewhere! Slaves didn’t get career opportunities or pathways! Well… I mean it is heavily cited that slave owners fed and housed slaves… so I guess they got something out of it at least. Unpaid internships are just the norm, and they’re so common - how out of place could they be? Surely something that’s so normalised is morally correct! Isn’t that what lefties love? Political correctness? HOW MUCH MORE CORRECT CAN YOU GET?!? My pop had to remove the barriers to employment like Moses did the Red Sea and it’s time for these leftist freeloaders to understand that they need to do that for themselves too.
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The Toilet Door by Maddie McShane A poem made up of ancient proverbs from the toilet doors of the ever-prestigious University of Adelaide. I don’t like the govern men They are scary If you don’t want to shave your legs, Let them be hairy! I wish my mum still made me sandwiches I am so so sad Trans lives matter I wish I could play Club Penguin with my Dad I can’t poo like I used to Sitting here thinking about the past I fucking hate everyone At least I have a hot ass
We are buttcheek brothers Connected through space and time Nobody knows I’m gay Go for 2 and 5 Eat the rich All we have to lose is our chains Never trust a man called Mark I might be going insane Imagine if we woke up and loved ourselves? We’d kill a lot of industries Go vegan save the world I just want to be a tree
Do you think stars have feelings? I don’t really know. Badadadadadadadadada Life’s a fucking disco! You make my nipples twizzle Cats are sluts I don’t know where my heart has gone You have a great butt!
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Out of school, into hell. How does the future look for law graduates? The Hilarian’s resident Nostradamus, Malcolm Middleton, peers into his opaque ball to give you a sneak peek, some advice and some heart-warming, pithy observations about life. LOOK THE PART In the future, look the part! Sydney Boots, Allen Edmonds – non-tailored suits are a style mistake! For women, dress to suit the tastes of the majority of senior lawyers at your chosen firm. Ensure you have the money, upbringing and background to not only understand style faux pas, but to ‘vote with your wallet’ to elect a newer, better, stronger you! Wear a sneer developed through a life without fear of violence, sport a golf club membership and get cracking. PREVAILING ECONOMIC CIRCUMSTANCES I’m looking a little further down the track, and the economy’s good (for some): if you work hard your wealth is very likely to grow, honest. This rule applies doubly so for young people, who, where they exceed, are especially declared to have worked extra hard, been innovative and made good choices! Industrial relations, employment, work conditions and wages are only expected to improve (for some), with no end in sight. This is evinced in the reliable application of more of the tried and proven economic policies a select few know and trust, brought to you by two rival schools of governance who have reached an economic consensus and are made up of smart, capable people with sincere beliefs who speak eloquently and want to work together for a better country, we promise! You can trust these people, they have law degrees! KNOW PEOPLE Network, network, network! What more needs to be said? Graduates in the next decade should begin networking at least a generation before they’re
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born, retroactively having their parents meet and get to know cool, vibrant, upwardly mobile, powerful people! Otherwise you can go out and use your youth to your advantage – find the upmarket bars that they frequent and let them network you (if you don’t feel up to this, maybe network them some private snaps) – do what it takes to get a job! UNPAID INTERNSHIPS I’m looking forward to the future – but my eyesight is going bad. My only advice in this regard is to make sure you have the time, inclination and gall to work for free, demonstrating your commitment and passion for commercial law, or whatever. The unpaid internship is a creative approach to working arrangements – like uber, the open plan office and the ability to monitor and contact employees at all times. Over the last decade unpaid internships have become normal, and people our age haven’t even realised that they’re actually a really amazing way of obtaining free labour with little benefit to the intern. Because the law student of tomorrow will have less ‘traditional’ power as one of many alienated, separate pawns in a pool of hundreds of thousands of potential applicants – unpaid work will be the hot new trend for law graduates. Apply now, get your head start! PSYCHOMETRIC TESTING Make sure you get good at like finding patterns in weird squiggly lines and shit.
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Is Jeffrey Epstein Still Alive? We all know about Epstein and his suicide, but what if he isn’t dead at all? After watching the Jeffrey Epstein Netflix doco, I keep seeing conspiracy theories that Epstein is still alive. To delve into this theory I took to the most trust worthy source: Reddit. Reddit threads are a rabbit hole, with the hard-core theorists believing that Epstein is hidden away in Israel whilst recovering from facial recognition surgery. To get into some of the compelling “evidence”, it was Epstein’s own attorneys who requested that he be taken off suicide watch. As well as the jails procedure to regularly check every 30 minutes also failing, as the guards were said to be taking naps and searching the Internet. This sounds all too convenient for a man of such wealth and power to be put in such a situation, only to kill himself. I could very easily believe that a man who had so many connections could have easily faked his own death. Media reports that Epstein wasn’t declared dead until he reached the hospital. This brings up the theory that there was a body swap.
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During the years that Epstein was registered as a sex offender, he set up a bank and a business that developed algorithms, after closing his money management firm. The bank wasn’t subject to the normal oversight requirements as it was created under a territorial law. According to Epstein’s lawyer, the bank had not commenced operations. Although, proceeding Epstein’s death, court documents show Epstein’s estate transferred over $12 million. The only explanation to this was that “there’s no explanation for it” according to the judge. Sounds like something that an egotistical wealthy man who just faked his own death might do. This is definitely a stretch, and the more likely theory is that due to Epstein associating with presidents and other prominent names, it is possible that he was murdered. Not only that, but a medical examiner who observed the autopsy argued that the injuries were more consistent with strangulation than suicide. Epstein associating with many political people, could definitely mean that his death allows others secrets stay safe. Whilst we can only speculate about possibly truths, what is clear is that rich men definitely think they can get away with anything *cough* Justice Heydon.
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Perfect Scone Recipe. Scones are the perfect addition to your
perhaps it was their awkward sizing,
morning tea party or afternoon snack. They
the predicament of what shape to make
can be enjoyed sweet or savoury, covered in
them, the constant turmoil of whether
condiments or just by themselves. But baking
or not to incorporate a sweetener. Per-
the perfect scone can bring its difficulties.
haps scones are innately flawed in their simplicity. Regardless, they were my vice,
It all began in year three when my cordial
and I told no one. It was a secret that
Irish mother let me lick the cake spoon and
weighed heavy on my shoulders with
my love for baking was birthed. I have been
years of accumulated guilt and shame.
in the kitchen ever since, baking almost
Never could I bring myself to admit
everything imaginable; cakes, slices, pastries,
that I could be bested by such a pathetic
bread infused with every fruit that grows
floury snack.
under the sun, sometimes even vegetables, roti, English muffins, hell, I’ll bake a mean
In a fit of my humiliation, I vowed that
crouton if I’m in the mood. My cookie
I would make something of myself. I
batches would never last more than a day in
enrolled into law school, sat within the
the cookie jar, I won the Portuguese sweet
cold asbestos-ridden walls of Ligertwood
bread competition within the South-Aus-
for four miserable years, and got my-
tralian-Portuguese baking society for seven
self a respectable degree. A few years of
consecutive years, I was employed by Hamish
gruelling work for the man aided greatly
Blake to secretly make his son’s notorious
by No-Doz and I found myself one of
birthday cakes (the Instagram stories are all
the most sought-after solicitors in the
a lie).
Adelaide metropolitan region.I’d gotten myself a beautiful, intelligent wife, and
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But I could never maaster the art of the
we lived together in a beautiful, Burnside
scone. I could never put my finger on it,
house.
On the weekends we walked our golden retriever through the tree lined streets and dined at immaculate restaurants. The years flowed by. We had a child,
It tore me to pieces. All of my cere-
then another. Henry and Olivia grew up
monies were nothing but an illusory
to be the two best synchronised swim-
pretence at happiness. But I was never
mers the nation had ever seen, leading
content, I was a failure. My animations
Australia to victory in the Rio Olympics
were simply a distraction from the unre-
and bringing our family pride that would
lenting misery of my scone-less existence.
last for decades to come. Our names oozed with the taste of money and the
When the word got out about the coro-
greatness. Our home became something
navirus came into play in March, I with-
of a restaurant, hosting dinner parties
drew into a spell of isolation much earli-
with eight courses which all had their
er than necessary. I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bear to show
own double page feature in The Adelaide
my fraud-ridden face to the world for a
Review. Wine glasses flushed yellow and
second longer. For six months and seven
crimson, plates that filled and emptied
days, I did nothing but bake scones. Day
many times over with every pastry under
in, day out, retracted from the glowing
the sun. Every pastry, that is, except the
light of the world, I locked myself in the
scone.
kitchen and went to work. Too dry, too moist, too round, too flat. The loving words of my wife and children ran empty off my back and to the floor, where they lay among the pile of discarded scones. I was not worthy of such words. (continued...)
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Not until one sunny Tuesday. It was a Tuesday like any other, but it felt new. The sun illuminated the fresh dewdrops on the greenery outside my window and I let the light fall on the kitchen bench. I set to work, letting my mind drift to my successes over the years. I realised that perhaps I wasn’t a failure after all. I suppose I had done a lot of good; I suppose that I had raised my children well. My haze of thoughts was interrupted by the ding of the oven timer. Opening the door, I was hit with an astoundingly pleasant aroma, and there they were; the most perfect scones I had ever seen in my life. Not too dry, too moist, round or flat. They were perfect. I had done it.
Anyway, for this recipe you’ll just need: • Plain flour, for dusting • 3 cups self-raising flour • 80g salted butter • 1 cup milk 1. Preheat the oven to 200°C. 2. Rub the butter into the flour. 3. Add 1 cup of milk, mix together to form dough. 4. Cut 12 round scones and place onto a baking tray dusted with plain flour. 5. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden brown 6. Enjoy!
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Word Search: ‘Due Process’
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Quid Pro Quo
Jus Cogens
Ab Initio
Ultra Vires
Constitutional Right
Witness Examination
Common Law
Judge
Statutory Obligation
Jury
Charges
Legal Counsel
In Rem
All Rise
In Personam
May It Please the Court
Subpoena
Submission One
Court Proceedings
Objection
Damages
Plaintiff
Ratio Decidendi
Appellant
Obiter Dictum
Respondent
Your Honour
Prosecution
Ex Parte
Defence
Prima Facie
Mens Rea
Ceteris Paribus
Guilty
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Hilarian Discourse.
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Dress Power. Written by Natasha Slater. The suit has served as a symbol of power
and and criticism - by the media, and
and status in its various forms for at
most recently the South Australian Law
least the last century – an unequivocal,
Society’s Guidelines for Dress Standards
uncompromising uniform signalling au-
in Court.
thority to passers-by. It is the dress-code of the professional world, and histor-
However, there is a mixed message
ically has been worn by men. When a
proliferated to young women in the legal
suit walks into the law school, onlookers
profession, as whilst during the day they
wonder where they have been – an in-
must imitate the male outfit to meet
ternship, a moot, or the holy grail – real
dress standards, at graduate recruitment
paid work.
events such as ‘cocktail nights’ they are required to wear the opposite. At such
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But do women truly have access to this
events, the male prospective employees
power of dress? For one, the female suit
will wear essentially the same outfit that
is often coined a ‘power suit’, perhaps
they donned for their interviews – albeit
suggesting that it is only through such a
with a different tie and perhaps funky
garment that authority can be truly har-
socks. The young female graduates,
nessed. Importantly, there are trailblaz-
however, in adhering to the dress code
ing young politicians formulating their
of cocktail are required to put on an
own styles of power dressing, accompa-
ensemble a world away from what would
nying authentic new takes on leadership
be expected in the workplace. At such
styles. Nevertheless, it remains difficult
times the internal monologue begins –
for young professional women to source
how can I wear a cocktail dress whilst
work attire, and when they do, their
continuing to appear as professional as
choices come under immediate scrutiny
my male counterparts, and simultane-
ously try not to attract unwanted atten-
Maybe soon ‘power dressing’ will become
tion. This is the minefield that young
a term of the past, as women need not
professional women must carefully tread
elevate themselves through extraordinary,
– the onus always placed squarely on
thoroughly examined measures of dress
their shoulders to act and dress ‘appro-
to climb up the stairs of success.
priately’, bearing full knowledge of the consequences of a misstep. The fact that these issues are now being discussed in both the political and legal spheres is promising. However, it is important to keep analysing the societal standards and practices in the workplace to even the playing field for our future young professionals.
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The importance of self-compassion in a global pandemic Words by Alexander Arthur. ‘Keep sharpening your knife and it will
failings – after all, who ever said you were
blunt’ – Lao Tzu
supposed to be perfect?
This may be an abstract quote from an ancient
To give yourself some idea of what this is like,
Chinese philosopher, something that you see
imagine sitting across from your best friend
and then forget about, much the same as the
at brunch. However, something isn’t quite
cringey ‘you know my name, not my story’
right today. You may notice that they aren’t
quote against a starry sky that you posted on
quite themselves, zoning out in the middle of
your old Tumblr account back in 2011.
routine questions and conversation, checking their phone more often than usual. You sense
However, if there is one thing that being in
tension but you’re too polite to ask.
lockdown last semester taught me, it’s that no
‘I’m sorry mate’, your friend says, ‘It’s been a
matter the things that happen to me, I can
hell of a week!’. After some prompting, they
choose how I react to them – self-compassion
tell you that they were in a small car accident
is one of the choices available to me.
last night, driving home from uni. They didn’t see the red light, they were distracted, unfo-
Self-compassion is treating yourself with the
cused. They tell you how they slammed on
same kindness, empathy and respect as you
the brakes, desperate to avoid the sickening
would another person. Kristin Neff, PhD,
metal-on-metal crunch that no one wants to
the leading researcher who developed a test
experience. They don’t know how their parents
to measure self-compassion, words it like this
will react, especially as it’s the third time this
‘Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing
year. The question is…what would you say?
yourself for various inadequacies or shortcom-
You’d hardly tell them it’s their fault – they
ings, self-compassion means you are kind and
know that already. You certainly wouldn’t tell
understanding when confronted with personal
them they’re an unsafe driver whose licence would’ve had less value than had it come out
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of a cereal box.
So, when you experience a setback, why would
Self-compassion inverts this mindset by chang-
you talk to yourself this way? It’s because we
ing the narrative we tell ourselves. For exam-
have low levels of self-compassion.
ple, I failed my contracts exam back in 2018.
As law students, we’re a weird bunch. Our
I told myself it was because I didn’t study hard
LLB’s carry a certain prestige and we take
enough or understand legal writing. What I
pride in this, yet no matter our external
didn’t fully understand was how my anxiety
achievements we’re often hard on ourselves.
hit when the reading time began. My brain
Some of us show of their oratory skills in the
scrambled and so did my faith in myself. I beat
moot court, work part-time, join committees,
myself up relentlessly when my results did not
play sports, win prizes.
meet up with my expectations. However, by looking at this with self-compassion, I came to
This year, the world has changed with coro-
the following conclusions.
navirus and its secondary impacts. Yet the narrative remains the same. We’re a failure
1) The fact that I could resit the contracts
because we’ve failed. We judge ourselves based
exam did not mean that was a failure but it
on our past achievements and wonder whether
was one more chance to prove myself
we’ve peaked while wearing school uniform. That if we just got an HD, won a moot, or
2) My knowledge of an area of law didn’t have
had a glittering BigLaw offer that we would be
to end when the semester did. Using moots,
worthy. We would be happy.
taking electives and further study could give
However, that doesn’t solve the deeper issue –
me a chance to develop my skills and traits,
by connecting our internal sense of self-worth
characteristics that have just as much value as
to our external achievements, that rises and
what’s on a transcript when practicing.
falls as they do. It’s an unhealthy mental model that leaves us victim to our emotions and sta-
3) Even if I did fail, what was the worst that
tus dependent. To be clear, this does not mean
could’ve happened? Twelve more weeks of
that self-compassion is self-indulgence. It is
contract law is a drop in the ocean. As per the
not self-pity. It is simply taking into account
first point, it’s a chance to focus on the process
all of the circumstances rather than drawing
over the result.
relationships between one cause and one outcome without looking at all the circumstances.
(continued...)
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The broader question for the type-A personal-
monthly and so on. There are plenty of fluffy
ities like me is – at what point are we going to
articles who will tell you how to take care of
call time on ourselves? On our expectations?
yourself – this isn’t one of them.
On our snap judgements? On overworking ourselves to prove what we fundamentally
• Try grabbing a journal – Yes, I am aware
know – that we are already enough? Because
that journaling has become trendy (Kikki.
whether or not you care to admit it, that’s true.
K I’m looking at you darl) but it is a way to
The very fact that you have dreams in your
vent your feelings to something that cannot
head, goals to achieve, blood in your veins,
retaliate. It feels weird, but if done consistent-
air in your lungs and hopefully somewhere
ly, it may help you find the root causes of any
warm to come home to at night is indicative
emotional difficulty and not the symptoms.
of that. Your value isn’t something that can be measured, graphed, compared and discarded
• Everyone’s pathway is different to yours
because you didn’t measure up in your own
– This idea that you must succeed at the
mind. You had it before the exam stress, the
highest level is an idea internalised in the
drinks at the bar on your Instagram story, the
education system as a whole. Work hard, recite
times you wish things were different.
information, get a good set of grades, receive praise. Rinse and repeat. If you get into law
If you relate to this article, a few things that I
school, it’s pretty clear that your secondary or
wish I knew earlier:
undergraduate results have got you there. The potential danger lies with placing expectations
Placing greater importance on my own wellbe-
on oneself based on the idea that what worked
ing – There is a saying that says ‘Be wary of a
once will work again. Who you were at one
naked person when they offer you a shirt’. You
point in time is not the same person you
can only contribute as much as you’re willing
are now. I know that 18-year old Alexander
to give, so giving to yourself begins a virtu-
wouldn’t recognise me if we met at Rundle
ous cycle. Self-care is as varied as the people
Mall.
who practice it, so find a few little things that bring joy and implement them daily, weekly,
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• Discover what you like and don’t like and try building skills - This dot point is in two parts because having the courage to discover what works and doesn’t work for you is the starting point. For example, I like mooting because not only do I get to hear the sound of my own voice, it brings out my competitiveness. However, the skill that I gain from that is that it sharpens my legal reasoning skills and gives me instantaneous feedback that I find far more helpful than written feedback. This article is full of things you may already know, and if you’re doing what works for you, then I tip my hat. However for those of you like me, who are stumbling towards the light, I just want you to know that you’ll get there, one step at a time. Just don’t keep your knife too sharp.
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Word Search Answers
$1 OFF ANY COFFEE* *1 per hardcopy of The Hilarian, Issue 3, 2020
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