The Lights, Camera, Action! Issue

“IT’S THE NEXT GODFATHER,” RAVE CRITICS ABOUT THE GODFATHER PART II

Dear Professor,

Below is my submission for the midsemester evaluation: Prof Green, you killed it today on the bima, and your service was so moving. Your party was insane and your dress was stunning.

Thanks, Bella

OLYMPIC FAIL: GIRL APPARENTLY DOESN’T KNOW WHOLE WORLD CAN SEE HER CRY

Dear Bella,

Thanks so much for your submission. You are my absolute ride or die, my evil twin, same girl different font. I love doing life with you.

Best, Professor

DISGRUNTLED RECORD MEMBER STARTS PRODUCTION ON CITIZEN KANE 3

Dear Plumber,

A lot of people don’t understand that plumbers are in fact highly skilled laborers and not the uneducated greasebags the left-wing media paints them out to be. I just wanted to say, I stand with you. I see you. I appreciate you. You are smart. You are important.

Best, A fan

STUPID ORCA OPTIMISTIC ABOUT FUTURE

Dear fan,

Huh? Sawry, I was pullin my pants up cuz my ass crack was showin.

Best, Plumber

DOCTOR MAKES NOTE OF OUTIE BELLY BUTTON IN PATIENT

REPORT:

DIDN’T KNOW THEY COULD LOOK LIKE THAT”

“I

Dear Satan, What the heck, man?

Dearest Papa,

Oops. Wrong Papa. You are a Papa I am merely quite fond of.

Sincerely, Timmy

“WHAT’S IN A NAME? THAT WHICH WE CALL A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL AS SWEET,” SAYS MAN NAMED LESLIE

Dear Timmy, What? What do you mean you have a dearest Papa and a Papa you are merely quite fond of? I believe the insinuation of Dearest

Papa is that it’s just the one Papa, and you, you know... like him. What’s going on here?

Best, Recordians

IS INCEST A CRIME? SUSPICIOUSLY AFFECTIONATE SIBLINGS SAY NO

Dear Napoleon, Shouldn’t we avoid invading Russia? We won’t reach Moscow until winter.

Sincerely, Military Advisor

IT’S PRETTY EASY TO THIEVE FROM

SAYS THIEF

Dear Military Advisor,

A hoe doesn’t get cold.

Napoleon

ON THE ONE HAND, TEN. ON THE OTHER HAND, TWO. THAT’S JUST SAFE DRIVING

Dearest Papa,

Dear Recordians,

Oh, I see. You saw Dearest Papa and thought it was the olden times when people wrote letters. Forget that people could have two dads in the olden times?

Best, Timmy

Oh, how I lament! My troublesome peers have fallen green with envy once more, and resume to taunt me with names and chants! I entreat them to stop, but their thumb-nosing snides return tenfold! Please, I beseech you to advise me: how might I make chums of my peers?

Your Boy

“I MEAN... ANY FAMOUS ABSTRACT PAINTER COULD EASILY DO THAT,” SAYS JEALOUS GUY ABOUT 4-YEAROLD’S DRAWING

HERE,”

WOE BE UPON YE! ORACLE TRAPPED BENEATH HQ PREDICTS SEVEN YEARS OF FAMINE

Hey Sam,

You’re seventeen now. For the love of God, talk like an American. You’re not a Victorian urchin boy. YOU ARE NOT A VICTORIAN URCHIN BOY.

Sincerely, Your stepfather

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST: IF YOU’RE PROPA FIT YOU’LL SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE INNIT

Dear Restaurant,

I am sorry for my behavior in your establishment this Thanksgiving. I understand that I was severely in the wrong and hurt many on what was supposed to be a happy day. I just wanted to write asking if there was anything I could do to make up for my horrific behavior.

Thanks, Paul

MESSENGER BAG REALLY SENDS THE MESSAGE THAT YOU’RE A DORK

Obituary Correction

The 2022 Editorial Board would like to apologize for an article that appeared on TheInquirer.com reporting five casualties from an incinerator incident at the Iacobucci Incinerators Incorporated offshoot in Barbados.

It never happened. Trust us.

PAUL BLART MALL COP 4 RECEIVES A 20-MINUTE STANDING OVATION AT OSCARS AFTER WINNING AWARD FOR BEST PICTURE. CRITICS SAY, “THIS FILM WILL MAKE YOU BELIEVE IN GOD”

Dear Paul,

You literally ate a turkey alive in the kids section of our Chuck E. Cheese while exclaiming how it was your “God-given right” to “consume this tasty little fella whole” without any “suspicious chemicals.” Several mothers have written to me about how their kids were traumatized after hearing you say “Gobble, gobble!” when you swallowed. In addition to the kids, three of my adult employees burst into tears upon seeing the turkey’s head sticking out of your mouth struggling desperately for life.

My God, man, what compelled you to do this? I truly believe there can be no salvation for your heinous act. Please seek help.

Best, Restaurant

FOR SALE:

Film rights to the Yale Record’s “Lights, Camera, Action! Issue” for less than you’d think. Email arnav.tawakley@yale.edu for rates. Serious inquiries only.

—A. Druyanoff

Anthropology at Yale

Because humans are complicated

What courses are offered in Anthropology?

What can you do with a major in Anthropology? Let recent students tell you.

Dear Attractive-Nose-Haver,

One day I will bite your nose. You won’t know when or why, but it will happen. My teeth will clamp around your tiny, little button nose, and you will have no escape. Your eyes will search for reasons and find none.

Woman with Teeth

EARLY BIRDS DISTRAUGHT AS MARKET CRASHES AFTER RECENT STORM REVEALS HUNDREDS OF WORMS IN PUDDLES

Dear Woman with Teeth, What?

Brand New Owner of a Nose Guard

“WELL, THE MIDTERMS CHANGED EVERYTHING,” EXPLAINS GUY WHO WOULD BE SMOTE DOWN BY ANY JUST GOD

Dear Bitable Nose with a Body Attached,

You heard me correctly. There is nothing that you can do. Not even your nose guard can save you now. My teeth have been reinforced with titanium and now I can even take nibbles out of the thickest of concrete, so your puny sheet of plastic will do nothing.

Woman with Teeth

I BROUGHT MY DOG TO THERAPY AND NOW HE THINKS THE HOMEWORK IS EATING HIM

Dear Woman with Teeth, HAHAHAHAHAHA! But it looks like I’ve gotten your nose instead!

Owner of Two Noses

“WHAT’S ALL THIS HULLABALOO ABOUT!” SAYS MAN CAUSING HULLABALOO, ATTEMPTING TO DIVERT SUSPICION FROM HIMSELF

WANTED

FoR You To gRow up. To suppoRT This FamilY. To have some goddamn sTabiliTY FoR once.

Hey Carl,

Can we move on already? I know I said I was open to experimentation, but this wasn’t what I had in mind when you suggested roleplaying.

Best, Jenny No Nose

EVERYONE TOO SCARED TO FEED BIGGEST DUCK

Did You Know?

Your family and friends are all acting.

Cinema occupies the unique intersection of the audio and visual arts, fusing otherwise distinct mediums to create a nuanced and complex sensory experience. This editorial is exactly the same: the normal half is meant to be read aloud in your head, and the italicized half should go straight to mental pictures. For the full effect, simultaneously read the first half with your left eye and the second half with your right. If you can’t do that, you’re reading it wrong.

Listen, kid. The film industry is in trouble. Corruption is everywhere; leveraging connections is the only way to make it big in the pictures. You have to be experienced at backdoor dealings and under-the-table to survive in The City That Sleeps But Not That Much Because It’s Busy Making Movies, Los Angeles. As much happens behind the camera as in front of it, sometimes even more if the movie is short.

They don’t make it easy on the actors. No one bothers to teach you how to list a winning smile on a résumé. You have to jump through countless hoops to get a callback, even when you’re undeniably the most talented person at an audition. Odds are, you’ll still get beat out by some hoop-jumping spaniel in a person suit.

Writers have it even worse. Nobody cares about your script unless you have big names signed on and snappy summaries using keywords like “irreverent,” “cerebral,” and “critically acclaimed.”

If you can’t sell a script from a fifteen-second pitch, producers turn up their noses and greenlight another love letter to Old Hollywood.

Beyond unethical production, the content itself is driving the moral decline of production teams and viewers alike. People look to movies for guidance, but it is harder than ever before to tell a character’s mettle based only on the color of their hat.

A famous producer shakes hands with a casting director in the back room of an elite LA nightclub; they have just betrothed their children.

Tom Hanks calls in a favor with the president of Paramount to get a discounted ticket for a daytime showing of The Croods in 3D.

Producers show up at the door of attractive Los Angeles newlyweds to commission a baby.

The waiting room of a casting call for the role of “ugly child.”

An Ex Machina remake featuring a Roomba in lingerie.

Hamilton adapted for the screen using CGI to replicate the appearances and voices of the original founding fathers.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 3.

The world’s most famous dog cheats on his wife in the big city.

Belgians on the big screen. How did they get out?

Films are judged on spectacle rather than quality these days. Big movie theaters only play shameless money grabs, and independent theaters only play slow-motion videos of old men sneezing. Hollywood is at risk of ruining the medium it claims to love.

The staff of the Yale Record decided it was time we stepped in. Like any self-respecting production team, we set out to recreate a classic.

Anything public domain was out of the question. Merchandise and spinoffs are where the profits hide, so if we were taking on a project, we needed to own all of it.

In a stroke of luck, we stumbled on an unopened letter from the Welles estate when searching through our mail for printing invoices to use as kindling. On his deathbed, Orson Welles –– titan of the film world and noted casual supporter of collegiate print comedy –– signed away all his film rights to his beloved childhood sled.

Despite supporting the celebration of childlike joy, the executor was incapable of processing a sled as a valid recipient of an inheritance. So, after the initial bequest bounced, we found ourselves with the rights to Citizen Kane 1 and a story that needed retelling.

A grumpy brother has a meet-cute with his cheery brother in their cop car.

Pornography

An all-human Life of Pi and an all-canine Slumdog Millionaire.

Argo: The Christmas Special.

12 Angry Men lunch boxes.

A child tries to slide down a snowy hill on their iPad.

A grown man sits at a table not crying. He looks sad but in a stoic and quietly tortured sort of way.

Shirley Temple tap dances on a grave.

Actors and actresses applaud as the Oscar is given out for longest movie.

But soon, help appeared — angels, in the shape of angel investors, in the shape of the Libertarian Party of the Southern Connecticut River Valley. When we explained our vision for the picture, they were ready and willing to help –– in exchange for access to an early version of the script and editorial control of all our content. We were back in business.

Show business.

A few sleepless nights and smashed cameras later, we had a movie: Citizen Kane 2. It was raw. Vulnerable. Unapologetically melancholic. Looking at our handiwork, it’s undeniable: we’ve brought the industry back to what it should be.

That’s why we do what we do.

Greta Gerwig sips scotch from a thimble made of gold.

Our editorial board sews our pockets closed.

Big government steals Americans’ hard-earned dollars right out from their unsewn pockets.

The postproduction team edits a movie until it’s not there anymore.

A crowded movie theater comes together to sing the national anthem.

— C. Rose Editor in Chief

Benjamin Hollander-Bodie ’24

Ezzat Abouleish ’25

Lillian Broeksmit ’25

Mia Cortés Castro ’26

Lily Dorstewitz ’24

Odessa Goldberg ’25

Amelia Herrmann ’26

Natasha Khazzam ’26

Andrew Lake ’26

Paola Milbank ’26

Alexis Ramirez-Hardy ’26

Tyler Schroder ’25

Thomas Varghese ’26

Sivan Almogy ’26

Evan Calderon ’25

Owen Curtin ’26

Jackson Downey ’25

Evan Gorelick ’25

Chet Hewitt ’25

Alice Khomski ’26

Sadie Lee ’26

Matt Neissen ’26

Alejandro Rojas ’26

Linden Skalak ’26

William Wang ’26

Staff:

Julia Arancio ’23

Kaleb Carey ’24

Arav Dalwani ’26

Alexa Druyanoff ’26

Samad Hakani ’26

Rena Howard ’25

Ariel Kirman ’26

Debbie Lilly ’26

Tyler Norsworthy ’25

Jimmy Ruskell ’26

Nicole Stack ’26

Elio Wentzel ’26

Joel Banks ’25

Patrick Chappel ’23

Madelyn Dawson ’25

Mari Elliott ’25

Zoe Halaban ’26

Adham Hussein ’26

Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25

Alice Mao ’24

Simi Olurin ’24

Neil Sachdeva ’25

Lawrence Tang ’25

Zadie Winthrop ’26

Contributors: Garrett O’Neill

Dash Beber-Turkel ’26

Erita Chen ’26

Raffael Davila ’23

Aidan Gibson ’26

Audrey Hempel ’25

Colson Jones ’24

Sam Kumar ’26

Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25

Bella Panico ’26

Toby Salmon ’26

Cormac Thorpe ’25

Ge Yu SOM ’25

Ari Berke ’25

Brennan Columbia-Walsh ’26

Grace Davis ’26

Oz Gitelson ’26

Tristan Hernandez ’26

Jacob Kao ’25

Malia Kuo ’24

Maya Melnik ’25

Edwin Perez ’24

Claire Sattler ’23

Special thanks to: Our generous patrons at the Libertarian Party of the Southern Connecticut River Valley

Front Cover: Emily Cai ’25 (@loremily_ipsum), who kind of half-assed this one if we’re being honest.

Back Cover: Grace Ellis ’25, who has never actually seen a movie and used her powerful imagination to come up with what that might look like.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CL, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year

The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

All contents copyright 2023

Adriana Golden ’24 Chair

Clio Rose ’23 Editor in Chief Sam Leone ’23 Online Editor in Chief Arnav

’24 Publisher Joe Gustaferro ’24 Old Owl

Old Owl Ayla

Old

Maya

Old

Avery

Old

Alexia Buchholz ’23 Social Media Manager Emma Madsen ’25 Webmaster Josephine Stark ’25 Staff Director Natasha Weiss ’25 Business Manager Jacob Eldred ’24 Merch Manager

Making movies takes dough. They don’t want you to know this, but those Hollywood types have deep pockets. Pockets that can hold checkbooks, war bonds, and Calvin Coolidge golden dollar coins. Our editorial board had recently sewed all of our pockets closed in an effort to prevent theft, and as a result, we found ourselves strapped for cash.

RULES FOR THE MOVIE THEATER

For all of you nervous first-time goers, read below for the top ten must-dos at the movies.

1. Leave your shoes outside, please.

2. If a joke is made in the movie, make sure to tell the person seated next to you that you understood the joke, and if they don’t understand it, it is polite to explain the joke that you understand so well.

3. It’s distracting to leave your seat. It’s okay to pee if you need to pee, just please don’t leave your seat.

4. If you need to use your phone, please put it on speaker. It’s better to give everyone the opportunity to hear.

5. Read subtitles aloud for any blind people in the audience.

6. If you cough or sneeze, stand up and apologize.

7. The emergency eyewash is strictly for emergencies.

8. Tip the actors.

9. When the movie ends, wait for everyone else to exit safely before leaving.

10. Honestly, if you really wanted to be polite, you wouldn’t bother the movie theater workers and the concession stand man and the custodian. You wouldn’t force them to play a movie or pop popcorn for you. Who are you to think these people owe you their labor and time? It is really most polite to just stay at home. Use Netflix, you disrespectful bastard.

UPCOMING BOND TITLES

Die Again Another Day Kill Me Twice, Shame On You License to Serve: Wearing Her Majesty’s Diamonds 2 Time 2 Die James Bond 3: Thames Drift Bullets Never Kill James 6 Diamonds Forever Tomorrow The Gun That Wouldn’t Die Bullets Never Kill, Unless Provoked (The Spy With The) Thunderballs (Rated X) You Can Never Forever Again Bullets Are More Afraid Of You Than You Are Of Them

I Spy With My Little Eye Calamaripussy

Fear not, viewers! This is not a real train. It is simply a moving picture of one.

— E. Madsen and C. Rose

MY LIFE AS AN EXTRA

They say that practice makes perfect and perfection makes you a star, so that’s all I do: practice. Practice as an extra hasn’t always been easy, however. My life is filled with many distractions that distract me from fully realizing my dreams of stardom.

It is easy to let a whole day slip by, so I have built practice into my morning routine. Each day, I grab a mug and sit at the dining room table, newspaper in hand, and pretend I am in the back of a scene set in a local coffee shop. One day I am an uptight investment banker from New York reading about a market crash, the next a mysterious aspiring author searching for inspiration in the obituaries. I look at the newspaper intensely, slipping my finger across the page like a first grader so viewers can tell that I am reading, and sip from my mug. And every morning, as I get into character, I hear irritation calling: “Good morning, honey,” or “Daddy, can you make me breakfast?” And every morning I have to respond, “Gretchen, get the fucking kids away from me, they are tampering with my craft.” She usually scoffs and says something under her breath about hating me and divorce, but I don’t care. She and the kids will never make me feel alive the way the camera does.

She doesn’t get it. If I don’t get the chance to practice, I make irreversible slip-ups. One morning, I had to tend to my sick kid, who ended up getting me sick as a result. During a big scene that day, I sneezed, which thankfully didn’t pick up on the microphones; but after sneezing, I absentmindedly picked a booger, ate it, picked another, and flicked it into a hole in the ground on set. I left the shoot mortified, and next thing I knew, my uncredited role as “funeral attendant” went uncredited to some other schmuck.

Moreover, no one understands the intensity with which I have to prepare for my roles. One time, I was cast as a background male prostitute on an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit . To get into character, I dressed in all leather, went out on the street, and found a wall to lean against. I smoked a cigarette to the butt and called out to potential customers, “You looking to have some fun tonight?” or “Just a nickel for a tickle of a pickle, baby, that’s the price.” Amazing practice, I thought, until I got arrested for prostitution. I tried to explain to the cops that this was just preparation for my upcoming role, but they did not care. No one

does. No one appreciates what it takes to be a star.

Without me in the background, the scene is nothing. No one wants to see hotshot actors preening and parading around in their costumes and make-up. They want to see the real people tucked away in the background. They want to know about their life stories. Their hopes. Their dreams. They want to know what story they’re reading so carefully in the newspaper. They want to see me.

If someone is willing to kidnap me, tie me up, and hold me captive in their basement for a week so that I can practice for my upcoming extra role, please contact me.

— J. Wypasek

MOVIE RATING SCALES THAT YOU SHOULD BE USING

The current MPAA system is outdated. We need ratings that reflect the priorities of modern audiences. Since Hollywood is afraid to take action, I’ve done it myself.

G – Title must start with the initial G.

PG – Title must contain the initials PG.

Q – Quiet audience required. Viewers are not permitted to clap, cough, or cry, even if the dog dies. SO – Standing ovation expected, minimum seven minutes.

SOS – This film is a recently divorced director’s cry for help.

DD – Audiences must be able to name at least 5 films from Danny Devito’s filmography in advance of viewing.

W – White audiences allowed, but not welcome.

ACALPSCRV – All content approved by the Libertarian Party of the Southern Connecticut River Valley.

FEET ;) – Featuring ethically erotic use of toes.

FBT – This film fails the Bechdel Test. Film bros encouraged.

F – Film bros expressly forbidden.

X 2.0 – Audience members may be under 17 if they are cool enough.

2024 SUNDANCE LINEUP

This Sundance season, check out which films will be on display at the largest independent film festival in the United States.

Poppyseed Aquarius —A poppyseed is an Aquarius.

The Drummer in Our Band —Our band has a drummer. Who is he? What makes him tick? Why does he bang those silly little sticks together all the time? How does he know when to go rat-a-tat versus ba-dum-tss?

If a Man Bit a Dog — This avant-garde documentary pushes the bounds of modern cinema, asking uncomfortable questions such as: if a man were to bite a dog, what would happen?

Le Petit Mall Cop Qui S’appelle Paul Blart — This year’s submission for the international category is a subtle look into the quotidian troubles of a mall cop in the South of France.

Woof, Woof, No More: This Dog Bites Back — This documentary explores questions such as: if a dog were to bite a man, what would happen?

Poppyseed Aquarius — It’s so good that we can’t show it only once. What if someone had to use the bathroom the first time?

Casablanca? Casamigos. — Of all the tequila joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Pita with PETA — After their first documentary topped Skincare by Hyram’s list of “Top Ten Movies That Are Seriously Messed Up,” the creators of If a Man Bit a Dog sat down PETA’s Education and Outreach Team to make amends.

Poppyseed Aquarius — One more time for the people with feeble bladders.

A. Kirman

KIDS MOVIES THAT NEED GRITTY REMAKES

Diary of a Wimpy Kid — Gregory “Greg” Heffley received the seemingly innocuous gift of a journal to mark the start of his middle school journey. Now, twenty years later, the man remains trapped in a delusional state, fixated on a belief so dark it could drive any sane man mad — that he is still in seventh grade. Director David Fincher takes audiences into the mind of a true sociopath, recreating excerpts from the grisly personal diary of the man infamous for his 2021 arrest after breaking into the Westmore Middle School bathroom with a trash bag full of rotten Kraft singles.

Cars — It’s 2018. The cars grapple with their complicity in climate change as their every move pollutes the air of

Radiator Springs, the only home they’ve ever known. Sir Tow Mater drives off a cliff after watching a Greta Truckberg documentary on how his 1955 Chevrolet Task Force body causes carbon emissions that irreversibly damage the ozone layer. This film serves as both a crushing meditation on the vicious cycle of a car’s existence and a powerful call to arms to ban fracking, produced by that guy from the Vampire Diaries.

The Lego Movie — He narrowly avoided death under the feet of ignorant humans by what can only be ascribed to the will of God. Now, LEGO construction man Emmet undergoes a spiritual crisis as a cult of so-called “Master Builders” claim he is the only piece able to ascend and fight the tyranny of their giant oppressors. In a controversial casting move, real LEGO toys starred and were harmed in the making of this film in order to capture the gravity of their struggle. The gravity of the issues highlighted in the film’s poignant final line, “the Child that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked.”

Up — We follow beloved protagonist Carl as he grapples with the sorrow of losing his wife and unborn baby. Grief slowly overtakes him, culminating in a conclusion so tragic we can’t bear to put it into words. Director Werner Herzog states, “Death’s the final frontier in the journey of life, kids!”

— E. Chen

WASHED UP STAR

HOW TO RAISE A CHILD ACTOR

Raising a Child Actor is a job that is very HARD, but very IMPORTANT because THE CAMERA loves CHILDREN. My Child Actor’s name is JAMISON CLAIRE EDWARDS. She is a BELLY DANCER and she is very SKILLED for her age, which is NINE. I put her in a SHIPPING CRATE and she does films OVERSEAS. She is gone for a MONTH and returns with a very large CHECK. The business of Raising a Child Actor is CHALLENGING but REWARDING, and ANYONE, yes ANYONE, can do it.

To Raise a Child Actor you must first make your Child Actor BEAUTIFUL. MAKEUP can help, but it takes more than a PRETTY FACE to be BEAUTIFUL. Consider buying your Child Actor a FINE CUSTOM-FIT TOP HAT. There is nothing more APPEALING than a Child Actor in a FINE CUSTOM-FIT TOP HAT. A FINE CUSTOMFIT TOP HAT is the symbol of a STAR, and your Child Actor must DRESS THE PART. JAMISON CLAIRE stands out because of how NICELY FITTED her TOP HAT is. Every other Child Actor in that audition room is either DROWNING in their OVERSIZED TOP HAT or looking CARTOONISH in their MINIATURE one.

Understand that a JOB is a JOB. To get your Child Actor’s face on LARGE BILLBOARDS, say YES to EVERYTHING. Working in FOREIGN COUNTRIES can be DANGEROUS but it is worth it because JAMISON CLAIRE makes LOTS and LOTS of MONEY from the KIND MEN in KAZAKHSTAN. Other countries love Child Actors even more than WE AMERICANS do, and we made FIVE HOME ALONE FILMS.

You should get used to FAILURE and REJECTION, but teach your Child Actor that these things are WRONG and SHAMEFUL. This will ENCOURAGE them to do better. My little JAMISON CLAIRE used to CRY and CRY and CRY when she didn’t get a GIG. Now she is tough as NAILS, and also has very SHARP NAILS that she uses to CLIMB TO THE TOP. She has not FAILED at anything in TWO YEARS. She is the BEST JUNIOR BELLY DANCER in the Dakotas and is BELOVED in KAZAKHSTAN. Scaring her away from FAILURE has made her very SUCCESSFUL, with LOTS and LOTS of MONEY.

If you think your Child has the potential to be a Child Actor, you are most definitely ONTO

SOMETHING. Your Child’s SMILE is brighter than any other’s, their LAUGH more VIBRANT, their FECES less RANK. Your Child would look great in a FINE CUSTOM-FIT TOP HAT. Commercials, film, modeling — your Child has WHAT IT TAKES. Bestow upon them a name that is MEMORABLE and VOGUE and NON-ETHNIC. I call this the “ELLIS ISLAND”. This BUILDS CHARACTER. People love an ACTOR with a STORY, and also a HIGHQUALITY BLACK WOOL CUSTOM-FIT TOP HAT.

— S. Spaner

PARASITE OSCAR ACCEPTANCE

THE OSCARS: OFF-CAMERA

People always ask, what happens during the commercials at the Oscars? Last year, I put my life on the line and infiltrated the ranks of nominees, celebrities, and AMC’s very own Nicole Kidman to see what happens when the cameras go dark.

Snack Break – Ushers quietly walk the aisles handing out bags of prepackaged baby carrots, celery sticks, and ranch with inspirational notes in them: “You got this, champ,” “Acting isn’t for everybody,” and “Mommy will never be proud of you, Leonardo.”

Silence – Shhh. Finally, time for some damn peace and quiet.

The Ghost of Oscars Past – Directly following the “In Memoriam” segment, the host leads a séance to call down the spirits of those dearly departed from the past year and reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to publish on the Internet. Legend has it that Betty White had four confirmed kills during her Golden Girls run.

Sexy Time – It is raw and carnal, pure and adulterated. All bets are off when Meryl Streep, Morgan Freeman, and Timothée Chalamet are in a room together. The sexual tension is ripe, and boy, do they give the performance of a lifetime when America isn’t watching.

Wardrobe Change – Celebrities take lizard form for five minutes while the camera crew quenches their bloodlust on innocent fans along the Hollywood Strip.

— E. Thulin OWLSCAR

THREE FRAMES

I’m making a movie about us, now. It’s a stop motion movie. There’s you, in clay, there’s me, in clay. There’s our house. The house is also clay.

I’m making a movie about the night you went. I’ve recreated every room in perfect clay detail. Clay windowsills with little clay flowerpots with little clay flowers. Clay bed we used to sleep in, clay blanket you used to pull over to your side, leaving me clay naked and shivering in the morning chill. And of course, on every clay table, little clay clay stop motion sets.

I thought about making those out of something other than clay. After all, if everything’s clay, it’s not clear that they’re supposed to actually be clay. But what was I to use — flesh? No, clay is the unifier. Like the noble atom, it gives a sameness to all things. Can’t you see that there’s beauty in that? Every surface in my house is covered in stop motion house sets. Every surface in every tiny stop motion house set is covered in tiny stop motion sets... this is the way it is, now. This is the way it’s been.

Stop motion movies aren’t easy to make. Every frame — every moment — has to be constructed meticulously by hand. Planned out well in advance. I rebuild every sixteenth of a second of the day you went. In order to get it right, I act it out myself first. I set up my tripod in the room where it happened and shoot myself, frame by frame, motion by almost imperceptible motion. The argument, the tears, the smashing of the clay sets. I’ll confess I used a large stuffed bear as your stand-in, the one you won me at that carnival in Durham. It’s not quite your size, but it works in a pinch. I didn’t have enough clay to make a lifesized model of you. It’s not quite your size, but it works in a pinch.

Sixteenth by sixteenth. I clutch the bear close to me. But the bear pulls away, and then it’s gone. The slam of the door only takes three frames. Three sixteenths of a second. The bear hates my clay. The bear doesn’t understand. I’m building an empire, a perfect iteration of truth that spirals again and again back in on itself and changes, evolves, one frame at a time. In pursuit of beauty. The bear doesn’t understand beauty.

Don’t you see, now? You could have had all of this forever. A tiny world, molded in your image. Beauty in every detail. You left my paradise of clay for a hell of flesh and blood. I hope you’re happy out there, burning. I’m happy in here, in clay perfection. Frame by frame, I ascend.

Sesame Street: A Promenade of Scandal

BY NICOLE STACK STAFF REPORTER

Lies. Deception. Hypocrisy. These are the values that define America’s most beloved children’s show behind the scenes. Writing this brings me no pleasure, but it is my moral duty. During my time as a camera operator on Sesame Street, I discovered some ugly truths that the people deserve to know.

First of all, Cookie Monster is viciously fatphobic. One day, I was eating a slice of cake in the break room, and he told me to “be careful,” because I “can’t afford the extra calories.” I was shocked. I thought he would be the last person to shame someone for eating dessert, but apparently his high metabolism gave him a superiority complex — and an honorary medical degree from the sounds of it. Not all of us can scarf cookies all day and stay limber, Mr. Monster.

Then I discovered that Elmo, despite all of his preaching about teamwork and kindness, is a greedy, self-centered bastard. He gets paid

twice as much as most of his castmates, and when they tried to lower his salary, he threatened to quit. This so-called feminist is even fine with costar Miss Piggy making eighty-six cents to his dollar. I guess it really is “Elmo’s world”.

But the unprofessionalism doesn’t end there. Count von Count, the vampire famous for his numerical genius, doesn’t know any numbers past three. Even for numbers 1-3, the socalled Count requires

a teleprompter. When I asked how he got the job in the first place, the Count replied, “Fuck you man, at least I have a speaking role.” That was when I discovered his accent is also fake, just another in a long line of lies.

However, none of this could prepare me for the on-set antics of Bert and Ernie. Their onagain-off-again romance proved particularly disruptive when they broke up during a live broadcast. Ernie began flinging

insults and accusations at Bert, rather than his usual rubber duckies. Bert then refused to talk to Ernie for weeks, which meant their segment had to be filmed asynchronously until they finally reconciled. At which point, the pair began to act inappropriately in other ways that I will not disclose here; let’s just say the puppet hole is multi-purpose. This, combined with Oscar the Grouch’s raging misogyny and Abby Cadabby’s propensity for starting

made for a very hostile workplace environment.

I haven’t even mentioned the Big Bird Incident, both because I signed an NDA and I do not wish to re-traumatise any surviving victims. But now, America, you know the truth. It’s time to wake up, say your ABCs, and face the music.

EXCLUSIVE: Life As An Extra

BY TARA BHAT STAFF REPORTER

INTERVIEWER: What is it like being an extra?

EXTRA: It’s no joke.

My whole life, I was told I was going to be someone special — somebody important. And then I came to

Hollywood, and when casting directors found out I was mute, they didn’t want to hire me as the lead. Do you know how hard it is to be seen and never heard? I

have so much to say, but all they let me do is be in the background. I am forever silent and waiting for my big break.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, shit, I knew we forgot something. We should’ve brought the ASL interpreter today.

fires,

BY MATT NEISSEN STAFF REPORTER

I don’t think anyone can blame me. I mean, my wife is HOT, okay? Like, objectively super attractive. She’s up there with Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox, Margot Robbie, you name it. So you’d think, because my wife’s bod is absolutely bangin’, there’d be no incentive for me to explore beyond the territory of marital fidelity. And that’s totally true. But let’s be real for a minute; isn’t the whole

point of a stunt double to look exactly like my wife from the back? We never look each other in the eyes during sex anyways, so how was I to know this woman with an incredible physique wasn’t my wife? Sure, she was a little stronger, more muscular, a bit more toned… but my wife told me she’d been working out lately! I won’t apologize for being a good listener, and I accept no responsibility for this unhappy accident. Not to mention, I was so excited she was finally

willing to try some wilder stuff in the bedroom. I mean who doesn’t have a crashing-through-thebedroom-window-ona-motorcycle fantasy? Instead of blaming me for acting like any hotblooded man would, maybe my wife should do a better job at corralling her slightly buffer counterpart, or they should dress in separate colors, like twins.

Tinseltown,

ANNE HATHAWAY STAR

Cross Campus

Terrible Accident At Pixar Set

During the shoot of Dot’s Big Day: A Bug’s Life Holiday Special, one of the best boys stepped on the entire cast walking to the craft services table for a breakfast burrito. The production has been canceled due to the mass casualties of the incident. The studio’s official statement is: “Making movies is a dangerous business, but nothing prepares you for accidents like these. Our deepest condolences to the queens and colonies of all cast members.”

Honestly, I don’t think anyone can blame me for this one either. He looks just like me from behind – and that behind looks damn fine.

Don’t Read This If You Don’t Want to See A Spoiler

Hey, look, man, I warned you. I really said it right there in the headline. And you read it Jesus. You must think you’re such a rebel. You don’t even deserve to know what happens.

OPINION

Point: Justice for the i in Pixar

Counterpoint: Lamps gotta hop

CULTURE

Why was black-andwhite film so popular in the 1920s? The answer might surprise you.

SCANDAL

Crossing The Picket Fence: Lambs Break Their Silence On Union Busting and Unsafe Set Conditions

“So you think you got what it takes to make it in

kid? Well, it’s not all stars on the ‘vard and snorting coke off Morgan Freeman’s ass cheeks, let me tell ya.”

Getting Personal with Hollywood’s Finest

BY EMMITT THULIN STAFF REPORTER

The Yale Record recently had the chance to sit down with Jeremy Stokes — renowned actor, devoted husband, and subpar father — to talk about his most recent project.

Q: Mr. Stokes, it is great to have you here today. Congratulations on another hit. Can you tell us a little bit about the film and the process of making it?

A: Of course. First off, thanks so much for having me, I’ve been following your work for quite some time now. As far as production, I really have nothing to complain about. It was one of those serendipitous projects where everything just gelled. We had a great cast, great director, great catering crew, really great people all around to work with. With a film this serious, it takes a lot to get into character, and I appreciate everyone enabling me to really lean into that effort. My performance was really a team effort.

Q: Yes, I’m glad you mentioned that. In your interview with the LA Times you mentioned that it took you almost six months to get into character. What does it take for you to truly understand a role ? Do you feel like that was worth it?

A: Well, have you ever felt the rush from doing your own research and re-

ally getting into your character’s skin? Of course you haven’t. It’s something magical that is reserved for us select few. You never really know a person until you can walk in their shoes, know the smell of their hair, and dig through their trash eating the scraps.

Q: Over the years your methods have gained a reputation for pushing the boundaries. Can you touch on that for our audience?

A: You plebeians wouldn’t understand the intricacies of my ways.

Q: Specifically, in this last project of yours which premiered last week, The Real Story of The Triangle

Shirtwaist Factory, how di you prepare for your central role as the fire-starter?

A: I burnt down Notre Dame.

Q: Um, okay, wow.

A: And I liked it. Because, you see, no project is too big or small for me.

I don’t do it for the money.

I do it because I care about my craft. To prepare for this interview, I followed you around day and night.

I had to know everything about you. I know you pee sitting down. I know you make payments to a Nigerian prince biweekly. I know you take a bite from your bar of soap after every shower instead of brushing your teeth. The juiciest

tidbit? You still sleep with a ladybug nightlight and your manatee Pillow Pet. I knew that would be the grounding detail for my character.

Q: Your character?

A: Don’t worry about it.

Q: What gives you the right to follow me around like that?

A: It’s just showbiz, kid.

After the publication of this piece, Jeremy Stokes was arrested and charged with intent to commit arson, arson, vehicular manslaughter, stalking, and crimes against humanity. He was set free after this

interview was declared inadmissible evidence in a court of law. Jeremy Stokes will be starring in a oneman autobiographical feature film titled I’ve Raised the Stokes, where he will be playing every person he has encountered throughout his entire life. The film is scheduled for release in 2029.

At press time, Stokes was being detained by security at Los Angeles International Airport after attempting to start a trash fire at TSA in preparation for playing the titular role of Jeremy Stokes, himself.

Watching Genius At Work

BY CLIO ROSE STAFF REPORTER

After the recordbreaking box office success of his first film Medic of

the Mountains, which was written on a legal pad in a 24-Hour IHOP while high on hallucinogenic mushrooms, Joseph Packer worked to develop a cre-

ative routine from scratch. Following a few failed attempts to recreate his process for Medic, Packer now relies on a strict daily schedule to write his

screenplays.

Notably reclusive and protective of his work, Packer refuses to discuss his ongoing projects with anyone other than his

grey parrot, Ramses, who serves as his editor and legal counsel. He employs two assistants around the clock, one for even hours and the other for odd, as

well as a personal chef. Mealtimes, for Packer, are a critical marker of the day: starting at 11 a.m., every hour on the hour, he has an assistant bring

him a glass of port and a single fried egg (that is, of course, until he transitions to poached after 9 p.m. as to not upset his stomach during the night) until his

daily carton runs out.

Packer rises at 7:30 a.m. and starts his day with a cup of black coffee. After he shaves, showers, and does three sun saluta-

tions, he sits down at his desk and begins his work for the morning. He writes continuously until an hour before sunset, only occasionally pausing to clean

yolk stains from his legal pad. Packer drafts all manuscripts in cursive script after learning it in elementary school, as he believes it saves him the time and effort of lifting the pen as well as “look[ing] dope.” In an average sitting, Packer produces up to 300 pages; however, after a postsunset editorial meeting with Ramses, the two typically whittle the day’s work down to a single scene.

He repeats this pattern daily, with the exception of Sundays when, before his nightly bedtime of precisely midnight, Packer’s odd-hours assistant drives him to the nearest IHOP to purchase seven cartons of eggs to sustain him for the next week. Packer refuses to acknowledge that selling raw ingredients is against IHOP’s official policy and has struck up backdoor deals with the local franchise manager.

The Yale Record’s Official Review of Citizen Kane 2

BY BENJAMIN HOLLANDER-BODIE STAFF REPORTER

“Remember always that you have not only the right to be an individual; you have an obligation to be one.” Eleanor Roosevelt said that, presumably when Citizen Kane 1 first hit the big screen back in 1941. This message of unshakable individualism and selfsufficiency is at the core of Orson Welles’ seminal classic, and it is more relevant than ever in the twenty-first century.

Citizen Kane 2 challenges what was previ-

ously thought possible, pushing the limits of the cinematic medium. The film is a striking and razor-sharp and deeply compassionate love letter to the individual, the singular great man who braves the hoary winds of a chaotic and uncaring world and comes out on top.

Even from the title, the brilliant minds behind Citizen Kane 2 draw our attention to this conflict. There is one citizen, one man, whose identity and whose self are intermeshed within each other. Yet that same self-identity is also an echo of another, the first “Citizen Kane.”

Kane’s struggle to establish himself as the sole sovereign over his own identity thus forms the stakes of the plot; stakes that have never been so acutely high.

Brennan ColumbiaWalsh as the titular Citizen Kane offers a captivating performance.

His voice, his movements, his strained facial expressions — all convey flawlessly this struggle of identity that Citizen Kane must undergo to establish his true independence in an increasingly interconnected world.

Avoiding any spoilers, it must be said that the stunning final scene represents the greatest triumph of any one man since the time of Charlemagne. ColumbiaWalsh’s Citizen Kane is

the new millennium’s long-overdue ideal male role model.

Ultimately, Citizen Kane 2 should not simply be viewed as a movie. It is the first step on the long road towards a new world. It is the drop whose impact will cause ripples going on to infinity. A new generation of people will be defined by Citizen Kane 2, and it will be a better generation.

Citizen Kane 2 promises hope, salvation, recycling, truth, for all of us. Or at least those of us who are ruggedly individual badasses. And that’s what movies are all about.

FANTASIA 2022

By C. Jones

Step once more into a world of color and imagination with Fantasia 2022. The beloved franchise is back again to amaze the child in us all, but this time with the popular music of today! This breathtaking marriage of sight and sound is sure to dazzle. Keep reading for an exclusive sneak peek into some of the segments.

Faults Unknown — This cartoon, set to the classic hit “Under Pressure” by Queen, spotlights the tumultuous romance between two tectonic plates. Will they form mountains or valleys? What exactly did he do to “rub her the wrong way”? Will their tension cause a quake strong enough to swallow entire cities into the gaping fiery maw of the mantle below? This earthshattering piece will give your mind aftershocks for days to come.

Skeletal Sadness — Set to selected works of Phoebe Bridgers, this poignant animation follows five “bone-chilling” skeletons as they struggle to confront the deeply embedded emotional trauma of their past. Drawn in an excruciatingly slow 12 frames per second, this short forces you to consider the skeletons in your own closet.

Staying a Fry (Cook) — With the Bee Gees’ “Stayin Alive’’ as its backdrop, this John Henry-esque tale follows a man and his struggle against the automation of his beloved fast food chain. Watch as man and machine both drop frozen fries into scalding grease and remove them three minutes and ten seconds later. Is cooking something that requires humanity? What happens when the man discovers how his beloved frozen fries are manufactured prior to delivery?

Deadlines — Scored by Steve Lacy’s “Bad Habit” (the pitched-up TikTok version), this short explores the process of a team of animators struggling to balance artistic vision with corporate pressures to produce. Our heroes must confront their greed-fueled megacorporation personified by a rabid, six-foot-tall hamster. The streaming service demands a constant flow of fresh material, but the team is determined to fight for a quality product. How can the artists dodge the conniving rodent’s surveillance, given its knowledge of the studio air vents? Will they succeed in their valiant efforts or succumb to the trend of recycling beloved concepts into rushed, underdeveloped fodder for the masses?

TOP 5 LIGHTS

So you like lights, huh? Well, I know a thing or two about lights. The name? Alf. The game? 40 years of work in the big pictures as a lighting designer and Judy Garland’s uppers guy. Ol’ Judy was actually one of my first customers. One day when I was working on the set of Oz, she asked me, “Gee whiz mister, do you have a light?” and I responded, “Oh boy, do I.” I gave her the following list and a major dose of amphetamines and the rest is history.

ARRI 650W Fresnel Compact 3-Light Kit — Once described as Macklemore if he were a light, these lights are so bright they’ll leave you thinking, “uh oh, is this the Rapture?” Noted for a smooth, cool, even flow, these bad boys are the crème de la crème of the big screen. Don’t worry, these fixtures of filmmaking are ribbed for her pleasure and to keep the main lighting unit cool. Talk about feminism in the film industry!

LE LED Flashlight LE1000 High Lumens, Small and Extremely Bright Flash Light, Zoomable, Water Resistant, Adjustable Brightness for Camping, Running, Emergency, AAA Batteries Included — Found this bad boy sporting a competitive 4.83 star rating on Amazon. Haven’t left the house without it since. Have you ever been chased by a bear while out camping? Neither have I, for “legal reasons.” But if you do find yourself staring down the maw of an 800-pound grizzly, I bet you wish you had AAA batteries and a zoomable flashlight. Thank me later.

The Sun — An oldie, but a goodie. This all-time classic is 4.6 billion years and counting. Especially great for when you are driving between the hours of 4 and 5 PM and need to be aggressively blinded such that you get into a freak accident with a chartered bus full of the U.S. women’s gymnastics team and find yourself facing a twenty thousand-dollar lawsuit, the disappointment of a nation, and one very annoyed Simone Biles. If you thought she flipped at the Olympics, you should see her in settlement court.

My cousin Jeremy, he’ll light you up real good — 706-4359333. Give him a call.

The holy light of the blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God, descending with the heavenly host upon 1000 years of terror and war to support her blessed son the King of Kings as he battles Lucifer in the final conflict of good and evil — Uh oh…that’s not the ARRI 650W Fresnel Compact 3-Light Kit, it’s the Rapture. And looks like you’ve been left behind. It’s just you, Ashley Tisdale, and Derek from Sig Nu. Good luck.

Graphic footage from the infamous Italian snuff films of the 1970s.

Steven Spielberg is forced to break out the megaphone when an actor’s ego interferes with his direction.

Behind the Scenes Snapshots of Movie History

We at the Record spent hours researching what really happens on a film set so you don’t have to. Here are some of the shocking tidbits we found:

The Zodiac Killer is unmasked on live television.

The production team of Annie Hall squishes the cast with their enormous thumbs to avoid paying royalties after their box-office success.

Bartlemebus the ape is finally allowed to act without hiding his real face.

Benedict Cumberbatch tries immersive method acting to prepare for his role as a camera.

Pinkerton agents preparing to break a strike on the set of Jaws through naval bombardment.

I’M 2 FAST AND I’M 2 FURIOUS

After 27 installments of the series, I’ve officially had it with this Fast and Furious nonsense. Every time I cross the street I’m gripped with terror not of a crash, but that some burly muscle-bound hunks will try to teach me the meaning of family. When will the public say that enough is enough?

There aren’t actually 27; that was a lie. But I bet you believed it. There have actually only been 15.

Another lie. But there have been 10, and that’s the horrifying truth.

I don’t care for that bald Vin Diesel fellow or his even balder buddy Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Not one bit. They oughta stop stealing hard-earned cheddar from the pockets of honest Americans with their shameless money grabs. Nobody from the film industry has the nerve to stand up to the cast, claiming that the stars are “2 Fast, 2 Furious” to be stopped. Thankfully, I’m here to provide seven foolproof strategies to finally put us out of our misery.

1. Kill Vin Diesel.

2. Kill The Rock.

3. Start a mass campaign of strongly-worded letter-writing to Universal Pictures.

4. Enforce better fuel efficiency regulations in the F&F universe.

5. Kill Paul Walker.

6. Sow discontent between The Rock and Vin Diesel by making them compete in a bald-off.

7. With gas prices what they are, they must be netting a loss already. Let’s see how Fast and Furious: Public Transportation does in theaters.

A. Cramer

REJECTED IDEAS FOR NEW MUPPETS

The 2011 blockbuster hit The Muppets is one of the most widely acclaimed movies of all time. But did you know that the writers cut several Muppets from the movie during pre-production? Here are our favorite Muppets that didn’t make it in.

Charles Koch — Who wouldn’t want a co-founder of the Cato Institute as a Muppet? Those jackass, liberal directors it seems. Koch was cut from the lineup only a week before production started.

Ron Paul — A true Renaissance man! The Muppets would have been immensely more popular had they kept him in the movie, but his critical views on the Federal Reserve made him unpopular with the George-Soros-backed producer.

Rand Paul — First elected to Congress while The Muppets was being produced, Rand has always been a friend of the libertarian community. He fights for the little guy. He knows taxation is theft. He supports the government staying out of our goddamn business. Fired as a result of poor hygiene on account of all the lice in his curly hair.

Randy Paul —This Muppet was a cheery singer-songwriter who instilled kids with a love of music through his heartful and catchy songs about the power of friendship. He was cut due to fears that young audiences could not distinguish him from Ron Paul and Rand Paul. Unfortunately for Randy, the other Pauls were later edited out.

Jo Jorgensen — Who better to include than the first female libertarian presidential candidate? Though at the time she was relatively unknown, she was still too much of a mover and a shaker to be shown on the big screen. The big Hollywood liberals edited her out of the final cut in a futile attempt to stop her rise to fame.

Jacob — Originally imagined as the adopted son of Bert and Ernie following their marriage in the movie, Jacob was cut as a result of budget constraints and polling among sample audiences that indicated unease with the idea of a homosexual couple adopting a child.

— S. Hakani

Coming to Theaters in 2024

Home Alone 7 is coming to theaters in suburban towns with schools with a large Parent-Teachers Association presence. In this most recent installment of the Home Alone saga, watch Kevin McCallister become an empty nester. In a shocking turn from Home Alone 6, Kevin suddenly stops bitching about his kids and starts texting them every damn moment –– little messages, “What are you doing, sweetie?” and “How are your classes?” The film is expected to be a smash hit in the 45-65 demographic, but when college-aged audiences were asked for their thoughts, the dominant opinion was, “I don’t know, Mom, get a life.”

– Z. Halaban

It’s the same Will Hunting you know and love, except instead of searching for his life’s purpose on the chalkboards of MIT, he’s searching for the perfect trophy buck to bring back to Southie. Robin Williams reprises his role as the inspirational mentor figure, guiding Will as he navigates the complicated woodlands of Cross Timbers, Texas. From unwanted mathematical potential to PETA’s Most Wanted, you won’t want to miss Matt Damon’s riveting performance as the new and improved Will Hunting in Good Will Hunting if Will Hunting Were Good at Hunting!

*In response to unanticipated backlash from animal rights activists, production has been greenlit for a more environmentally-conscious third installment of the franchise, Good Will Hunting if Will Hunting Were Good at Goodwill Hunting

In this stunning conclusion to the God’s Not Dead saga, God Himself dies in a fiery car crash caused by a drunk driver. The film covers the dramatic events that follow, as upstanding small-town Christians mourn the loss and try to enforce God’s dying wishes to allocate all the world’s lands and wealth to them. Unfortunately, big-city lawyers are unwilling to give Christians what they were bequeathed in God’s “Last (Will &) Testament,” blasphemously claiming that God never even owned the Earth in the first place. Join a small band of true believers as they reassert the (former) power of God and try to find justice in an increasingly secular and Satanic world.

– B. Hollander-Bodie

Frozen III, directed by that girl from your high school who was always a little too into the school musical, is coming to theaters near you in early 2024. Rejoin your favorite spunky Scandinavian sisters on the big screen (notably missing fan favorite Olaf, who could not withstand increasing temperatures and thawed six months before production) as they face a brand-new challenge. When rising ocean levels return their parent’s boat that “sunk” back to land, Elsa and Anna must deal with a reassessment of their characters. How will both girls face their identities shaped by chronic isolation and being orphaned at a young age? Will the young royals retain audience sympathy now that their sob story has been stolen from under them?

CLASSIC MOVIE LINES YOU DIDN’T KNOW WERE IMPROVISED

Nobody’s stealing a living like Hollywood writers. Those who can’t act, sing, and those who can’t sing, write. Or don’t write. All your favorite lines were improvised by the actors –– the ones with the actual talent. Check out these examples if you don’t believe me!

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” (The Wizard of Oz, 1939) Judy Garland saw a billboard reading “Kansas City” and assumed she had crossed the border into Missouri. The dog playing Toto pointed out to her that there’s a Kansas City, Kansas as well, but Garland was unconvinced.

“Bond. James Bond.”(Dr. No, 1962 ) Sean Connery momentarily forgot his character’s first name.

“No, I am your father.” (Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, 1980) James Earl Jones was feeling experimental that morning, and decided to attempt a weird, unexpected porno pivot midway through the shooting of this scene. Unfortunately, Mark Hamill was slow on the uptake and failed to reply, “Daddy?” to keep things moving.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”(Gone with the Wind, 1939) Ever-irreverent, Clark Gable’s Rhett

Butler dismissed the set assistant’s concern that his moustache resembled “a scraggly penciled line, rather than the impressive, masculine whiskers we’d expect from a charismatic Casanova like yourself.”

“Why so serious?” (The Dark Knight, 2008) Heath Ledger took this moment to express serious artistic disagreements with director Christopher Nolan’s tonal choices. Rumour has it that Ledger’s attempt at a three-minute operatic interlude, an attempt to “pitch this movie to the gallery as well as the pit,” can still be found on the cutting-room floor.

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”(Blade Runner, 1982) No idea what Rutger Hauer was going for here, to be honest. He just popped a tab of LSD and started rambling. Ridley Scott reported, “We didn’t have any film left for a reshoot, but, hey, it sounded pretty cool, right?”

— A. Tawakley

SECRET STEPS TO MAKING A MOVIE

1. Hire a cast of spare actors to simulate the plot to see if it makes sense.

2. Collect props by sneaking into museums around the country after hours and filling your backpack with vases.

3. Use the budget you saved on vases to buy one hundred monkeys and ninety-nine typewriters. The single ape that gravitates towards Final Draft instead will be your writer.

4. Lure in an A-lister for the project using your impressive collection of antique vases (this notably works on Willem Dafoe).

5. Loose the remaining monkeys on the museums you already robbed to create a distraction from the missing ceramics.

— L. Conklin

HOW YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS PREPARED FOR THEIR ROLES

By S. Hakani

Dreaming of stardom? Here are a few ways some Alisters prepared for their big roles.

Benedict Cumberbatch — Prior to filming Dr. Strange, Benedict knew he had to get in shape. His rigorous routine consisted of drinking 2 liters of roomtemperature water and ending each day with a brisk jaunt around Kensington Gardens. Looks like it paid off in the end!

Leonardo DiCaprio — Leo took method acting to a new level in preparation for The Revenant, taking dips in ice cold water 20 years in advance of filming. He even practiced his character’s extreme isolation, ending every relationship after a couple of years. That’s what I call individual liberty!

Viola Davis — Viola had a tall order balancing her intense workout schedule with the required reading of Benjamin Tucker’s Individual Liberty to develop the physical and intellectual skills she needed for The Woman King, her new movie about the struggles of female warriors against the evils of big government in 1800s Africa.

Jared Leto — In order to get into character, this practical Joker sent his fellow cast members some interesting items, including anal beads, used condoms, “Don’t Tread on Me” flags, and dead rodents. What a creep!

Dinesh D’Souza — To get ready for his hard-hitting exposé on voter fraud, 2000 Mules, D’Souza temporarily moved to a sundown town in rural Georgia for an immersive, Walden-esque experience. Afterward, he tried his hand at tampering with a few voting machines. Now that’s method acting!

Melanie Griffith — Before beginning work on Pacific Heights, Melanie consulted with hundreds of libertarian intellectuals on the evils of tenant protection laws to develop a stronger emotional profile for the movie and connect with her role as the lovable landlord.

WHERE TO SIT IN A MOVIE THEATER

— N. Khazzam

TASTEFUL PORNOS I SHOULD HAVE STARRED IN

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions Harry Potter and the Prisoner with an Ass to Bang Harry Potter and the Goblet of Desire Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis Harry Potter and the Half-Chub Prince Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows (Part I) Cars 2 Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows (Part II)

— G. O’Neill in a paid partnership with A. Buchholz

Co Stars Who Were Definitely Fucking

by B. Kubovy-Weiss

Celebrity romances are often sparked on set. But how can one be sure which are real and which are just PR stunts to promote the failing media industry? As a real insider with many years of experience in the biz, I’m here to give you an inside look into the real dynamic duos who kept up that dynamism behind the scenes.

1.-Wallace and Gromit from Wallace and Gromit

I mean the picture really says it all, but I’ll elaborate. Hiccup looks like the kinda guy that would say “I love you” 4 minutes into missionary. And Toothless? No teeth? Sounds pretty ideal when it comes to sexual scenarios for a vanilla kid like Hiccup, don’t you think? Not only that but he is literally training this dragon. That’s some classic Freudian shit you’d hear in discussion section. FILM 654 / PHIL 234: How to Train your Castration Anxiety is coming to an HQ classroom near you Spring 2023.

tall? He must be hiding something under there. Sure, TMITYH–– whose real name is Ted Shackelford, (Shackelford, I mean, are you kidding me?) –– was like a father figure to George, but doesn’t that just make it hotter? If I had a titillating little monkey calling me ‘Mommy’ and hanging from my long, lanky limbs, I too would be so overjoyed that I would forget I wore the same fugly yellow outfit every day.

6. Dora and Boots from Dora

Ah, Wallace and Gromit. A duo as old as time. Look at that button nose on Gromit, that little cutie. Look at their eyes, how they peer into your soul. And the smile on that pervert Wallace. Are you kidding me? You know they’ve seen –– and done –– some weird claymation shit.

2. Han Solo and Chewbacca from Star Wars

4. Finn the Human and Jake the Dog from Adventure Time

You know how at the end of every episode of Dora when Dora and Boots would go over their favorite parts of the trip? Well, they lied every single time. Their favorite parts of the trip were never stopping Swiper or picking berries or whatever normie shit they would claim. Nah, they were absolutely going at it on those journeys. And some days even Benny the Bull got in on the action. That hot piece of ass. I’d ring his bell any time.

7. Mr. Popper and his pen-

You really think Han never took a walk on the wild side? Never used his Force with that utterly sensuous beast? Luke Skywalker this, Han Solo that, Chewbacca is far, far and away the hottest character in the Star Wars franchise and if Han didn’t “I am your father” him, then that was his loss.

3. Hiccup and Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon

The theme song literally says, “With Jake the Dog and Finn the Human / the fun will never end / Adventure Time,” and I’m supposed to believe those two kept it in their pants? Hell, Jake doesn’t even have pants to keep it in. If I were Finn I would have ripped the yellow fur right off that hunk-ajunk Jake.

5. The Man in the Yellow Hat and Curious George from Curious George

His name was Popper. ‘Nuff said.

Look, not all of them are going to have relationships that fit into your narrow vision of what’s acceptable, ok? Some of us are into some more hardcore shit. I would literally pay to have that sexy chondrichthyan take a bite outta me. Grow up.

I mean just how curious was good ole George? And why was that man’s hat so

guins from Mr. Popper’s Penguins

8. The surfer and the shark who bit her arm off from Soul Surfer

WHY WON’T FILMS ACCEPT MY PRODUCT PLACEMENT PITCH?

I’m Wendell, proud but humble owner of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™. My products, you see, they’re ascots, but for your fingers. And they’re waterproof, too. My product could really just use the high-profile exposure of a Hollywood blockbuster to make it big.

For some reason, it’s been almost impossible to get my preppy finger scarves much screen time. But I guess that’s why they say, “Show business is tough, but the business of promoting upscale finger accessories in show business is even tougher.” Here are just a few of the eight thousand movies that suffered from a lack of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™, even if the Hollywood bigwigs didn’t think so.

Scooby-Doo: Curse of the Lake Monster — Fred laid out the blueprint of a respectable neck ascot wearer. Except, as the New York Times critic noted, he would’ve been even more respectable, and undoubtedly would’ve gotten more action with Daphne, if he had miniature, matching liquidresistant ascots adorning his fingers.

Planet Earth — The migratory patterns of birds? BORING!

The migratory patterns of birds with devilishly handsome ascots tied around their talons? Now that would give David Attenborough something to talk about.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy — I knew I had a chance with this movie when I heard the team was looking for a

portable and chic finger accessory to structure the trilogy around. The execs at New Line Cinema almost agreed to this deal but pulled out at the last minute to sign with Tiffany & Co instead. Now I have about 20 posters for The Fellowship of the Ascot and nowhere to put ‘em. The Hunger Games — The bare-fingered characters in this movie love making weird hippie three-finger peace signs, but they always seem so sullen doing so. Luckily, as the two customer reviews on my Etsy page can attest, Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™ instill an immediate sense of joy and purpose in all wearers.

Jaws — When I first learned of this movie, I was dismayed to hear of a shark munching on unfashionable beachgoers that contain absolutely no soluble fiber. Not only do our finger ascots remain intact for up to 30 minutes in ocean water, but in the spirit of nourishing our marine life, the fabric is also GMO-free and made from 100% whole-grain oats.

But thanks to our persistence and unshakeable faith in our product, one project finally decided to feature our line. I’m sure you remember all of our scenes in Rocky. That’s right. Stallone was decked out in tiger print finger ascots underneath his boxing gloves the whole time. Our lack of visibility was obviously just a simple oversight on the production team’s part and does not speak to the quality of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™.

— D. Lilly

SIX REASONS YOUR STUDENT FILM FLOPPED

By N. Khazzam and Z. Winthrop

You were too nice to tell your friend that he can’t act — If you love someone, let them go. Not everyone can be Leo DiCaprio. Brayden certainly can’t.

Bad publicity — Your friends didn’t tell their aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews and cousins to tell their friends to tell their cousins to buy tickets to see your movie. Charging sixty dollars per ticket probably didn’t help sales either.

Excessive “indie-ness” — Not even the judges of the HollyWeird FilmFestival (it’s real) wanted to watch Alexa and Jeremiah discover their sexual identities whilst struggling with their methamphetamine addictions. Maybe they were right to question the strategy of filming the entire thing in an abandoned cornfield.

Your film claimed emotional intelligence was fake — Peter Salovey consequently mobilized the Yale militia to block off all the movie theaters in New Haven. Yalies must be protected from fake news — especially when it contradicts the lifelong research of our righteous leader. Sorry nobody wanted to drive all the way to Bridgeport to watch your pretentious drug-infested-corn-obsessedquasi-pornographic indie movie.

Let’s face it, you’re lazy — You procrastinated for hours and compiled the whole thing the night before your release date. Editing was harder than you expected, so you ended up only using a single wide shot of them frolicking in the field. You take pride in the fact that you finished at 11:59 p.m. And honestly, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

You wasted your entire budget renting out a fucking cornfield — Turns out your viewers wanted costumes and props and nice lighting and a highquality camera and stuff. But that just wasn’t in the cards. Who knew dried grass and corn husks were so expensive? Clearly not you.

YOU JUST DON’T GET IT

Quentin Tarantino doesn’t have a foot fetish. I’m tired of people saying it’s “gross” to see extreme close-ups of Uma Thurman’s juicy lil’ piggies every ten minutes. Take it from me, a certified cinephile: you just lack the media literacy to understand Tarantino’s genius. Some of you, especially those with feeble, feminine minds, may need me to explain why this actually supports the subtextual feminism behind his filmmaking.

Let’s start here: how many toes are on one standard foot? Five. And how many movies has Tarantino made? At least seventy. Divide that and you get fourteen. What name is fourteen letters long? That’s right, Hillary Clinton, the world’s most famous woman. Remove the N’s from Hillary’s last name, and you get “clito”, as in “clitorus”, the most empowered part of the woman. Should I have to explain something so obvious? No. But some of you are so set on your agenda to cancel a brilliant man that you can’t even read between the toes.

Don’t get me started on how the sensual curves of the heel emblematize divine feminine sexuality and power. And the sole, its distended muscles serving as a fleshy memorial to silenced women of the past, bulging with ideas.

So you see, Tarantino does not objectify women, he’s actually more of a feminist than you or I could ever dream of becoming. To the trained eye, it’s clear that he’s actually sending subtly subversive critiques of the patriarchy with each close-up. Besides, tons of beloved filmmakers have bare feet in their movies, like Alfred Hitchcock, who everyone knows was a super normal guy.

THE SILENT CAR

— N. Stack

WORST PERFORMANCES IN MOVIE HISTORY

Acting is the single most important profession in the United States of America. When a politician or a firefighter messes up, people merely die. When an actor makes a mistake, millions of lives are ruined, the economy collapses, and Netflix shoots an angel. Here are the five worst performances in movie history that can also be linked to a 15% increase in divorce rates:

4. James Corden as Bustopher Jones in Cats — The two things that unite Americans are their distaste for British people and their distaste for cats. In a truly horrific performance, James Corden manages to give a compelling argument for the euthanization of all cats, Brits, and film lovers. Corden’s acting choices clashed with the directorial vision for the production. So, despite his uncanny ability to look and act like a 44-year-old furry who lives in his parents basement, Corden’s performance didn’t quite land and audiences were left wanting more emotion from his flat delivery. Surprisingly, Queen Elizabeth reportedly loved Corden in Cats . Maybe she had a soft spot for selfcentered, overly emotional British people with no perceivable talent. Maybe Corden had blackmail on her with any of the various royal family scandals, or maybe the late queen wanted to play one last trick on the world before she passed. Regardless, Corden’s objectively abysmal performance lands him at number five on this distinguished list.

3. Idris Elba’s daughter as Idris Elba’s daughter in Beast — Idris Elba’s daughter Isan was rejected from the role of Idris Elba’s daughter in the movie Beast . Elba

claimed that she was rejected because “the chemistry wasn’t right.” This isn’t even satire, Elba’s daughter was genuinely so bad at acting that she couldn’t even land a role as herself. Take that, nepo babies.

2. Kevin Spacey as a normal, non-creepy person — Kevin Spacey has an undeniable talent for playing someone who gives you the creeps. His performance as Frank Underwood in House of Cards was spectacular, as he perfectly managed to encapsulate his character’s flagrant disregard for other people’s boundaries. However, Spacey couldn’t recreate his success in his next role as a well-adjusted human man. Something just felt off.

1. Neil Armstrong in the Moon Landing — In this typecast role, Armstrong should have shined with ease. However, Armstrong appears lost and uncertain of himself in this sci-fi thriller. While some may say that Armstrong’s confusion made Moon Landing look more real, it actually reveals a lack of commitment and experience. Critics believe this widely-viewed dud of a performance is why Armstrong never landed another big role and was forced into an early retirement.

— T. Varghese

MAKING MOVIES IS EASY

Making movies sure is easy. Easier than writing a satire article, for sure.

— B. Hollander-Bodie

JURASSIC PARK BREAK ROOM

Ask Old Owl!

Dear Old Owl,

I am a successful film critic, bested only by Siskel, Ebert, and the guy who makes Breaking Bad video essays on YouTube. Man, I love that shit. The point is, I’ve been at this a long time, and I’m very particular. When my son told me he wanted to major in film at Vassar, I said, “Isn’t that a school for girls?” Then he got all “teenager” on me, so I had to go to his room and tell him how proud I am that he’s taking an interest in the family business. That was four years ago. Now, $280,000 and a bunch of bullshit classes on “gender” later, he’s made his thesis film, and it truly is one of the worst films I’ve seen in my life. How do I talk to him about it without violating my journalistic integrity?

Dear Owlet,

The father-son relationship is a delicate one, fraught with the pitfalls of generational masculinity, high expectations, and constantly having to tell your son that he can’t have any of your acid, because it’s yours and you bought it with your own money, and why don’t you go buy me a box of cigarettes from the pump station while you’re at it? Now, my son isn’t the brightest star in the sky — he’s more like a rock hurtling through space and time with no direction or purpose or ambitions — but I love the kid for who he is. That being said, I appreciate that I stick to my things (being conventionally handsome and likably intellectual) and he sticks to his things (primarily sloth and cowardice). If your son is trying to ride your coattails all the way to Hot Ones, you have to do what any responsible parent would: publish a scathing review of his short film and teach that boy that the industry is ruthless, with no ruth at all. Things like “stars” and “heroes” and “good fathers” are secondary to “being true to the art of Film and Film Criticism” and “Meritocracy.” He’ll toughen

up or he’ll drop it, and either way you get that sweet commission cash.

Dear Old Owl, You probably know me because I’m extremely famous, but I won’t bore you with details of my wealth and success for fear of revealing my identity (but if you’ve seen Fight Club or Ocean’s Eleven, you definitely know who I am). I’m working on a new project with PTA — some artsy shit — and I’ve got this body double who’s supposed to play an older and uglier version of my character, but let me tell you, this guy is handsome. Like, top-tier, Clooney-level shit. I talked to Paul about it and he says there’s nothing to worry about, but this guy is so handsome — not as handsome as me, but pretty damn close. I’m afraid he’s gonna be Brad — I mean, Bart — way better than I could ever do it. Feeling insecure.

Insecurely,

Brad “I Am Not Brad Pitt” Pitt

Dear Owlet, Ohhh, you’re so hot! You’re so sexy. I love the way your muscles ripple across your abdomen. I love your hair and how you look good no matter what length or color that hair is.You deserve all of the money and women and Tesla swag bags that you get and MORE. Through all of your high-profile relationships with other A-listers, I bet you were right in every argument and every divorce and have no need for introspection. Those bitches! I would lick you head-to-toe if I could, and it doesn’t even have to be sexual. You have nothing to be self-conscious about, and certainly no one to be envious of — but if you still feel this jealousy tugging at your big, strong heart, perhaps it’s time to look inward, and not be scared of what you see. I suggest a guided peyote journey (I have some connections south of the border, very tasteful and discreet

Old Owl is an alcoholic, nicotineaddicted nightbird that roams campus scrounging for vestiges of the relevance he enjoyed in the Record’s heyday. He now offers advice, free of charge. If you’d like to Ask Old Owl about your weird life, email askoldowl@yalerecord.com.

kind of thing), but if you’re too prudish to open your third eye, you can also try one of my anxiety workbooks, like “Old Owl’s Tips and Tricks For Worrying Less and Balling More: Mastering Your Moods Using Skills I Myself Invented.” Anyways, fan. Let me know if you have any extra tix to the premiere of that PTA flick; I love that weird shit. Boogie Nights was totally my jam.

Dear Old Owl, The lights… the lights are so bright… burning my eyes! And oh, God! The cameras! Every one pointed inward to the caverns of my soul, the most deranged corners of my mind… seeing right through me… who knows what they will see. All this and I open my eyes and there’s a man in sunglasses staring down at me — and so far down, I’m practically at his feet, and he is a giant, he is a behemoth — and not only this, but a gun to my head, eclipsing my vision, and the lights are so bright… “Action,” he says. And that’s the last thing I see.

Dear Owlet, I’m not sure if that’s a pitch or a cry for help, but I am HOOKED! Consider emailing oldowlmanagement@ managementforoldowl.com, we’re trying to start an agency to make some extra cash on the side. Right now I’ve got this great filmmaker from Vassar and some really hot stunt double who looks a lot like Brad Pitt. You’ll fit right in.